Sunday, December 28, 2014

looking back on 2014

I sat down the other day to start planning this post because it's a staple post, in my opinion, and not one that you just sit down and let flow. It's a staple post not just for blogging purposes, but for life in general. It's good to not only sit and reflect on the past year as it comes to a close, but to write it down to be able to look back on so you can remember what even happened each year! Plus, it's fun to see your whole year written down. It reminds you of so many things that happened. 

2014 turned out to be a pretty big year for me, in terms of "game-changers", if you will.  So many big life events happened, this was the year that I feel like I turned into a real-life grown up.

The beginning of the year was a little rocky with my little Albus being ran into TWICE in the span of one month. Having to spend my entire (minus about $24) tax return on an insurance deductible to get Albus fixed? That totally sucked. It was very lucky, and totally a blessing that my tax return was *just* enough--but still. It was definitely a lesson in insurance claims. Which came in handy later on... :)

In April, I got to go on my first road trip with 1) someone not in my family, 2) with my own car, 3) with my best friend, 4) to somewhere I had never been before [VEGAS!!!]. It was seriously a fantastic weekend. One where I took entirely too many pictures, that I will absolutely never use. One where I got hit on by Merlin in front of at least a hundred people, then the next night we got hit on by beautiful Irish men. I got to spend 4 days straight with my bestie, and we talked about how we were going to be working at Target probably for the rest of our lives (exaggeration is one of our combined specialties) or at least the whole summer. And how I was going to live at home with my parents and we were gong to go on so many adventures together. Little did we know...

About a week after we got home from Vegas, I was driving home from work and my dad texted me to get my resume ready. There was a job opening at his work that he thought I would be perfect for. Was I looking for a job? Not even a little. Did I jump at the chance to maybe not work at Target anymore? Hells yes. I researched and slaved over how to write a great resume. And that, combined with my slightly above average writing skills got me a pretty rockin' resume, if I do say so myself. I had my first interview two days after I sent it in. And my second interview with the Executive team a week after that (Not intimidating AT ALL, by the way, to just casually meet with three dudes who run an entire company and are super profesh and all suited up). A phone call about an hour and a half later and less than two weeks after I had just got back from vacation, I had the opportunity to QUIT Target. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Believe me, I was terrified. I would have to leave the comfortable little nest I had built at Target- all the humans that were part of my daily life, that I would no longer see. My daily routine, my expertise and very specific knowledge of "all things Target", all gone in an instant. To go work at an insurance company where I knew next to nothing about anything. I didn't know anyone there, except my dad. I had to learn not only how to do a new job, but all the information that goes along with it... SO MUCH CHANGE. But I did it. Even though I was scared. Even though I knew it was going to be hard. Because it was the right thing for ME. And I have never once regretted that decision. 

About a month after I got the new job, Jessica and I started hunting for an apartment. Her family was moving to Colorado, and she wanted to stay here (thank goodness, I don't know what I would do without that girl!), and since I was making more money, and she was making more money, it was all totally possible for us to live on our own. We searched and searched for an apartment. From the beginning I said NO BASEMENTS. I ended up conceding a little and we checked one or two out and they were AWFUL, and totally proved my point. We were starting to feel defeated. And we started to feel the time crunch. We needed to find a place to live before Jessica's family left. We walked into an apartment that was being shown by this kind of crazy, super frazzled lady, and we both loved it immediately. We knew it was the one. We applied right there on the spot. And the girl said that she would go in the next day even though it was a holiday and process it for us. It felt like it was all coming together so perfectly. Then she called us the day after and said she didn't think anyone would go in over the holiday but they did. And that someone had snatched it out from under us. We were devastated. And you know me, I was LIVID. "You had one job! Don't make promises you don't intend to keep!" A couple days later though, we got a call from another lady saying that the other people fell through and that if we wanted it, it was ours. Uhh, duh! It all happened so fast. We immediately had to get deposits and sign things and get the power set up... So many "grown up" things in just a couple days... But by the end of that week, we were checking in for the next year. We had a place of our own. We had to buy things like toilet paper, and our own food. We had to pay for Internet and power. And all the responsibilities happened all at once. It was one of the scariest things that I had ever done. In no time, I had moved all of my boxes one day, and the next my dad and I moved my furniture and my clothes. When I was leaving my parents house to spend my first night in my new home, I cried as I pulled away. Even though I moved less than ten minutes away... The weight of what was happening really hit me. I was on my own. I mean, obviously if I need help, my parents are right there, but you know what I mean. It was the first time in my entire life that I had MOVED, much less out of my parents house. I was scared and unsure that I would be able to do it. When I got home and unloaded my last load, I sat down in the middle of our un-put together apartment and just cried for twenty minutes. But then I told myself that I could totally do this! I can do hard things! I had my best friend by my side and we were going to tackle anyhting that life threw at us. Right after I moved out, I got another opportunity...

A position opened up at work and at first I wasn't going to apply because I had only been there for two months and who did I think I was applying for a higher position? But, as I discussed with my counsel of elders (and by that, I mostly mean my dad) I realized that no harm could come from just applying. If anything, it would just be that much more experience in interviewing. Which, I've been told that interview really well, but I just don't really believe that. Anyway, I got the promotion! I found out the day that we had a company wide Lagoon day, and it was absolutely perfect. Per usual for me, I felt super uncomfortable with all the congratulatory compliments and all that, but then I got to go spend the rest of the day chillin' with my best friend and having a blast. I didn't move over into my new position until about a month later, but from day one, I felt like it fit. Like I fit. And I've become friends with some of my favorite humans. And gotten closer to people that I never would have expected to be close to. And it's been absolutely wonderful. 

2014 gave me a best friendship that I cherish more than anything. Jessica and I are the "dream team", "Trouble and her friend". I could not have chosen a better person to go on this crazy adventure with. And we have both grow so much I these short 5 months that we have been living together. Our sink flooded our kitchen and Jessica handled the entire thing herself! It was actually super boss. And I am still so proud of her. I cannot even imagine my life without her. She probably doesn't think so, but she challenges me, and makes me step out of my comfort zone, she makes me better. And she loves me when I feel like no one should. She reminds me that I am worth it. She reminds me that it's okay to feel. And she lets me cry on her when I can't keep those feelings in any longer. She is the only thing that Target gave me that I am going to keep forever. :) 

2014 gave me so many responsibilities, opportunities, and challenges. It gave me my first real, true broken heart. It gave me stronger relationships with people I love, dearly. It gave me perspective. It gave me hope for the future, and what I have in store. 

2014 was kind of a scary year for me. But someone in my life said something that I decided was a little bit my mantra for this whole year... "It's so scary, but it feels so right." And it's true. Nothing that I did this year was easy, or normal; it was all at least a little terrifying. But it all felt so right. It all still feels so right.

2014 was a year for the books. But I can't wait to see what 2015 has up its sleeves. :) 

Happy New Years, friends. 

Reille K. :) 

Saturday, December 20, 2014


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Hey friends! I'm on Bloglovin. So if you are too, probably follow me there to get more updates on when I post, since I don't always put the link on Facebook. :)

Reille K.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love..."

I feel like Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me something lately. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Until tonight. As myself and Cora had our usual decompress discussion after a ward activity, a phrase popped out of my mouth that surprised me. 

"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love... Love is meant to find me."

Which, is not to say that I can't make an effort. But, that I have to stop searching for it in every possible speck of interaction with people. I need to stop wishing and hoping that its "just around the next corner, I can feel it." And when it isn't, "oh the NEXT corner then." And being constantly disappointed and sad that I am alone and single. Or trying to convince myself that certain aspects of people that I probably am not actually attracted to, are not deal breakers, I could totally deal with that. 

This isn't to say that I dislike being single. I enjoy being alone, and having time to re-energize. I am an introvert after all, and alone time is ESSENTIAL to me being a happy, healthy individual. But, there is a stark difference to alone time, and being lonely. Alone time is chosen precious minutes or hours set aside where you can reacquaint with your thoughts and feelings. Being lonely is (often) bitter and agonizing time when you crave the presence of another human... Their touch, their embrace. Moments when you want nothing more than to feel another persons heart beating next to you. And sometimes, a friend just doesn't cut it. Not in the same way that a "lover" would. (I use the term "lover" loosely. Mostly meaning like, someone that wants to kiss your face sometimes, yeah?). And I wish so badly that I could turn it off every once in a while. 

This last General Conference, I went into it with a question in mind. Which, this was the first time I had ever done that. And that question was, "Heavenly Father, is there something specific that I need to be doing to find my husband? What do you want me to do?" And I got a few answers, mostly related to my personal progression in the Gospel, but I very firmly got a feeling of "Stop worrying so much about it. Just take a chill, it will happen when it's time. You'll know." 

If you know me well, or even semi-well, you know that I have a hard time not being in control. It's tough for me to not hold the reins with at least one hand. I don't like knowing that I have a surprise in store for me if I don't get to know what the surprise is within like, an hour. I like to keep things neat and organized because organized = control. And not knowing what's going on, stresses me out. So, you an imagine how hard it is for me to not know. Not know what or who God has in store for me. And it's hard when everyone around me wants it for me just as much as I do. 

I keep being told that I'm "a catch" and I think I am, but sometimes, it gets a little hard to believe that. It's hard to remember all the great things about myself when no humans of the male variety want to partake in these great things. Which, I think the phrasing of that makes me seem like I don't love myself, even though I do. I freaking rock. But, I just want a guy who wants to kiss my face and snuggle sometimes to think that I freaking rock too. 

Aaaand, circling back to the point... I want to stop looking for love. I want to let love find me. And even though it's probably going to be one of the harder things I've done emotionally, it's going to be worth it. Because he's out there somewhere. And maybe he needs to find me first for this to work. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 

     Reille K. :) 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

the trunk labeled with your name.

I had to pack you away. I had to put you and us and all those memories in a trunk that I keep locked in the deepest parts of my heart. So that I could move on and stop feeling so sad and lonely without you in my life.

Try as I might, I still sit down with that trunk, sometimes. I still think about you. About what happened to us. About the good times, and the terrible times. About how you were the first person I loved so deeply outside of my family, who I would do anything for. I think about how I hope you're really, truly happy. I think about the pain I may have caused you, and if you think about me still. And I hope that I didn't affect you as much as you affected me. I hope that that wound healed. I hope that it has turned white with age. I hope that it didn't turn red and angry. I hope that when you think of me, you don't have angry feelings.

Because when I think of you, I feel sad. Sad for how it all turned out. Sad because I was so optimistic about us. And about who we would be to each other in the future. Sad because of the hole that you left, that sometimes feels like it still hasn't been filled. Sad because of the memories, but never sad enough to come back.

Because you were right. I wasn't the same person. I'm not the same person. Now, I love myself. Now, I know myself better than I ever have, I think. Now, I stick up for myself, because I know that I am worth it. I don't need someone else's validation anymore. And that has changed me. I know my purpose now. And I know how to be happy and fulfilled by myself. And that has changed me. 

I sometimes imagine seeing you at a store five years from now, or ten years, and stopping dead in my tracks. What would come next in that scene? Would I be wishing I could be anywhere but right there? Because the pain of seeing you again would probably be too much? Or maybe it will have been long enough that I will be excited to see you. And I would shout out your name down the aisle for everyone to hear. Will I want to sit there and chat and catch up, because I want to know that you're doing okay? That you're happy and fulfilled? Or will we feel obligated to politely greet each other as if we were not ever who we were to each other? Or... Will we simply not even recognize each other? Will we glance at each other as we pass and exchange a friendly smile, thinking to ourselves, "I know that person, don't I? I think I do... But from where? And from when?" 

Sometimes I imagine you calling me, and telling me that you're in town and you want to get together and catch up. And me saying yes, and instantly wishing that I could be that girl. Who wanted to revisit the past with someone else, and relive the glory days of our relationship. And meeting up with you and being miserable the whole time because I should have said no; I should have stayed away.  

I think about how I will tell our story to him. Whoever "him" might be. And what parts I will tell in the overview. And which parts I'll save for a little later. Or if I will even tell our story in one go, or just bits and pieces over time. I sometimes tell it to myself. Just to see. And it's different every time. Sometimes I am mournful over it. And sometimes I get angry. And sometimes, when im feeling extra vulnerable and sappy, I cry just a little.

I sometimes think about how I miss you. And I let myself sit there and miss you for a few hours, or a day, or a couple of days. And then, I open my eyes, and look around, taking in the world that I love in now. I pick myself up, brush myself off, close the lid of the trunk and lock it tight. I stand up straight, hold my head high, and I walk away from those thoughts and feelings and memories. 

Until next time. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

feels. i don't want to come out and play.

It may seem like I don't care, like I have no feelings, but, I do. I have a lot of feelings, too much, in fact. Enough that if I let myself feel all my feelings to their full extent, I would not be a functioning member of society. But late at night, sometimes those walls come down. Sometimes, I let the feelings come out to play.

Because late at night, I let myself feel the things that I don't let myself feel at any other time of the day. For fear that they will take over. That they will take me hostage, and accept no ransom. 

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to stop. I've never hated someone because I liked them so much. Hated them because I can't hate them. And not the kind of hate where you can't stand to be around them and you wish bad things on them. No. The kind of hate where you would rather not be around them if you had the choice. The kind of hate where you don't crave their presence at any given moment. Because any moment with them present is ten times better. I hate that you make my heart smile, even when it's broken. I hate that a lot. Because I think that's the hardest part. I still care about you, and it hurts. 

How do I make those feelings stop? I don't think that's something you can drown in watermelon slices or starburst. I feel like I can control it when I don't see them. But that's just it, I WANT to see them. I WANT them to stay part of my life despite everything. I try to joke, I try to make light, but the feels. They won't stay on the edge of the light like they are supposed to, slowly receding further and further back into the darkness, day by day. No, they stay sitting there, right on the edge. Right where I can still reach out and touch them if I wanted to. Right where they can jump into the light in the worst moment possible. And you want to just grab a sword and chop them up because you're so angry that they keep doing that. 

It's not an easy feat, to feel everything so deeply. To get stuck in feelings that you wish you wouldn't get stuck in. Because the ones that you would rather not have are the hardest ones to swim to the edge of, to hoist yourself over the side of the pool and dry off from with a towel. And the ones that you want to sit there and bask in forever with the rain pitter  pattering on your upturned, smiling face, are the ones that flee away in a moment. As likely to return as it is to rain in Utah. Enough to get you by, but not nearly as much as you would like. Not enough to soothe your troubled soul. 

Go away, feelings. I don't want to come out and play. 

      Reille K. :)

Saturday, September 13, 2014

"One day I will find the right words..."

All the feels have been happening and I want to write about them so bad! I've had approximately six blog post topics floating around up there for weeks, but I simply can't find the words to write them. Which... doesn't happen very often for me.

I have a quote on my wall by Jack Kerouac, that I've had up there for a little over a year, that says, "One day I will find the right words and they will be simple." I put it up there to remind me to choose words that would get my point across more quickly. And to remind me that one day, when it really matters, the right words will come. And they won't be some grand monologue. They will be simple. I mean, most of the time, less is more. And the past few months, I've had those words running across my mind more and more.

I've never been one who is short on words. I have not, however, always been quite as outspoken as I am now. I know, you're SHOCKED. But, I always had the words I needed packed away in the boxes I kept in my head's attic. Lately, I can't figure out how to unpack the words that I need and put them together in a way that exactly expresses my feelings and thoughts. And I can't seem to fix it. And I don't like that. I've always been able to express myself, but I couldn't seem to figure this one out.

I have a specific something that I have been trying to decide how to say for closer to a year than not, and regardless of how many times I have come back to it, I haven't solved it. I feel like it's a very important expression of emotions that I don't think I fully understood until recently. Now that I understand them, I'm having a hard time finding the courage to say them out loud to the people that need to hear. And that hasn't happened to me since high school when I was the girl who was not outspoken and such. And I don't remember how I used to deal with that. I just keep thinking, that my "One day" to find the right words has got to be close. But, I have to say these feelings out loud, and deal with what happens after whether it be good or bad. I've never been more ready for it, if only that readiness is for my own mental health.

I'm so close to the right words, that I can taste them. And I hope they taste as good as I think they're going to. Anyway, Happy Weekend! 

     Reille K. :)

Saturday, August 9, 2014

this is real life.

I started this week as a CSR, and I love my job, I really do. I love that I get to help people. And I like that I know things that most people don't (because most people don't know anything about insurance because most people don't even think about their insurance until something happens. Fair enough, bro.) call me conceited, but it's true... So I started the week as a CSR, and I ended the week as an Underwriter. They're the people who actually write the policies and decide if someone is a good risk to insure and things like that. And holy crickets, this is my life. 

I got the company-wide email a couple weeks ago that there were two positions opening up, and I considered it, but I have only been there for two months and am I even ready for that?! So I didn't do anything, and I was telling my dad that I wanted to do it, but didn't really feel ready, and there are so many other people who are probably applying, right? And after a course of events, I ended up not only applying, but getting the position. 

Dude, I'm twenty years old and getting a position at an insurance company that usually takes at least a year or more to work up to and are you guys sure you want me for this position? But they see a lot of potential. And they know that I will work hard and learn as much as I can, because I've already shown them that with my current position. And just, wow, this is my life. And it's so crazy right now. 

I am so immensely blessed that I don't even know what to do with myself half the time. Like, I don't deserve to be blessed this much. But we never really feel like we deserve to be blessed, right? It's just amazing to me how quickly life can change. And how quickly you can grow when under the right circumstances. And how quickly we can adapt to a new way of life. I feel like "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend,". And things are going to be hard, and scary, and sometimes things are going to suck. But hey, the bigger picture is pretty freaking great. And I know that things won't suck forever. And that I will get used to the scary things and they will cease to be scary. 

I feel like I have become a real life grown up, the kind I always daydreamed about being when I was younger, in a few short months. And it's a little bit crazy and weird. And a little bit, "How did this even happen? Who decided that I was ready for this? AM I even ready for this?" But I have a lot of really great people supporting me, and I know that I can turn to them whenever I need to and that they will be there for me. I really am blessed beyond words.

         Reille K. :)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

scary things.

When I have a big life change, I get the urge to write even more frequently. I get the urge in a way that it just won't be satisfied until I pour all the words out onto a page. Because, I mean, I get the urge to write ALL the time, but somehow I convince myself/I'm too lazy to actually do it. 

It's official. I'm all moved out. My bed and my clothes are now at the new pad and I slept here last night. And I hade to figure out how to work our new shower. And not feel so hot I was going to die when I was falling asleep last night. And I have to to buy food tonight. And I'm so responsible that it makes me shudder sometimes. When did that happen? Who LET it happen? I've never been so terrified and excited about anything ever, and it's a weird feeling to have. Like, this is my apartment. I'm not just doing this for a week. I'm in here for at least a year. A YEAR. I know that I'll be living in this place for the next year. And that's kind of weird. I thought that I was going to be working at Target and living at home this summer, and here I am, not working at Target and not living at home. It's amazing how quickly life can change. In such a drastic way. 

Someone said something on Sunday (this was the phrase that opened the floodgates and then I couldn't get a grip for the rest of Sacrament! Stupid beautiful boy who is so eloquent I just melt,) it was something like, "it's scary, but it feels so right" I don't know if those were his exact words. But that's the same message. And I was just floored. I hadn't been able to figure out exactly what I had been feeling and he put it into words and it was so spot on. I almost couldn't believe my ears. It's rare that I can't put my feelings into words, but I was struggling with this one. And when I wasn't even looking, someone else found the words for me. It was fantastic. 

Because it is SCARY. To move out on my own, and have to be responsible for everything and pay for power and think of things that I hadn't ever thought of before. And it's all me. I mean, I have a roommate, and my parents are still close, but... You know what I mean, right? And what if I'm not ready and what if I fail miserably and I can't do it? What then? But I'm also so excited. I have my own place and I have grown up responsibilities, and what if I succeed? What if it's the best thing that I ever do? What if I grow in ways I never would have if I didn't move out now? What if this is just the plan for me? Even though it's terrifying and hard? 

Everything is different now. And there are few things that I can find comfort in that have stayed the same. And, I'm actually really fine with that. Because those things that stayed the same are enough for me. Those things that stayed the same are the things that matter. Life is nuts, I can tell ya that. :)

          Reille K. 

how did I get here?

If you would have told me five years ago that this is where I would be, I would have laughed right in your face and thought you were a nutball. Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine being done with AP US history (my least favorite class of my entire high school experience, including Calculus)! Back then, I was convinced that I was going to work hard and get through high school and go away to college and I would instantly meet my one true love and I would have my two best friends beside me always and life would be blissful and I would be ignorant. Yes, that does happen for some people, but not for me.

I didn't go away to college. I didn't even go TO college. Which it took me a long time to get to be okay with that. I haven't met THE ONE yet. I mean, there are contenders that our amazing relationship really only exists in my head right now, but hey, I'm working on it. Guys are kind of scary for me. I still haven't completely gotten over my awkward Jr. High phase yet, I guess. At least when it comes to guys that I LIKE. I don't even TALK to my two best friends from high school. Which is fine, because none of us are the same people we were in high school and the people we became don't really mesh the same way. Life is certainly not a constant state of bliss, and I sincerely hope that I am not an ignorant swine.

What I DID do though, was figure out what MY values are, independent of my family and friends and church. I learned more about who I am, and what makes me tick. I met new people, and tried new things. I did things that scared me, and made me feel uncomfortable (in the healthy way, not the terrible way). I found people that I wouldn't trade for the world. I grew up faster and sooner than I ever thought I would. I discovered the sure way to calm my nerves. I came to love myself in a way that I never knew was possible. I had a job that I didn't really like. And I have a job that I really DO like. And I work with people that I think are fantastic. If you had told me even a year ago that this is what my life would be right now, I wouldn't have believed you.

But isn't that always the truth? No matter how much we plan for the future, and what's going to happen in said future, we never really know what's going to happen. There are so many variables and outside forces that we have no way to predict anything. We can't even predict ourselves, as we are constantly evolving. Forever malleable. 

Instead of looking at what we HAVEN'T done, look at what we HAVE done. Look at how and who the Lord blessed us with. Look at the amazing things that you did. And look at where it's taken you, somewhere you never imagined possible. Because when you look at your life, really look at it... Life can be pretty amazing. :)

     Reille K.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

the dreaded khaki.

Once upon a time, I used to work at Target and have to wear khaki pants, right?

Well. Khaki. Here's the thing about it. It's TERRIBLE. And only those who have worked at Target (and probably Walmart and maybe Hobby Lobby) will ever understand the hate. It's rare to find khaki's that A)are flattering AT ALL. B)last more than ten seconds. (I mean seriously, khaki's biggest demographic is retail workers. They get down and dirty. Make your pants out of better material.) C)don't cost you like a million dollars.

On top of those things, you have no choice but to wear them like, everyday. Unless you're a lazy bum who never works or something. I wore khaki's close to everyday for two years. And I hate them a lot. I probably hate them even more than the average. I think most of that is because of what they represent though. So, you know, there's that.

My dad and I were talking about pants today (because you know, we do that sometimes) and I was saying how "I got these new work pants and I got these two colors because they were the only ones in my size... besides KHAKI. I just, I can't do it! I can't bring myself to even CONSIDER buying them. Much less WEAR them." Because really. What color am I going to wear with Khaki? Obviously I can't wear red. Target. Or blue. Walmart. I can't wear black or white. Target Starbucks. I can't wear pink or orange or yellow because I either look horrible in those colors or just don't like them and therefore don't own them. So that leaves me with... what? Green and purple? Gray? Mmmm, yeah. That doesn't justify buying khaki colored pants.

I think I'll have to distance myself from Target and khaki's for a while longer. Maybe in two years (or never) I'll be able to wear khaki's again. But really, I didn't wear them before I worked at Target so... I probably won't wear them after I worked there either. My co-workers think my aversion to khaki is pretty funny. And yes, I agree, it's a little weird. But... I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I HAD to spend so much of my money on khaki's the past two years... the reason that I physically cannot even bring myself to think about maybe buying them. Maybe it's something else. But, it ain't never gonna happen!

Don't even get me started on Red... I still have a hard time with it. And I only own one shirt that is even SLIGHTLY red. But it's a "vintage wash" so it's barely even considered red.

Anyway, hope you have a good rest of your week and a lovely weekend!

Reille K.

P.S. My new job is going WONDERFULLY. Even though I get to deal with a fair few of grumps, it's defs better. And I actually really enjoy it. :)   

Sunday, June 8, 2014

life as of late.

Holy buckets, you guys. It's been a little bit of time since my last post and I can't even. Already, my summer is going completely differently than I ever expected it to go. 

First, I expected to work at Target this summer, and I am not doing that. I got a new job that is sometimes a little scary, but that I really enjoy. And that is really great. And I see myself with this company for a really long time. Who knows? I may just end up staying in the insurance biz for forever and I'm actually okay with that. 

And for all the 20 years of my life leading up to now, I got asked on zero dates. Which, I came to terms with and got used to and now dates are weird to me. But, in the last month, I have gotten asked out TWICE and that's weird. I mean, thanks for thinking I'm pretty, I guess? Or maybe they just think I'm interesting? Who knows. Haha. I mean, I want to go on dates... But with very specific people. And that sounds terrible probably, but it's the truth. And I make it a point not to lie to people. And I guess if I want to go on dates with these very specific people, I should just ask them myself, right? Well, it's not that easy or simple for me. Because sometimes (most times) I forget that people are just people and they shouldn't make me nervous. 

And I'm moving out with my absolute best friend in the whole world at the end of the summer. Well, as end of the summer as the beginning of August is. And I'm so excited and and scared and nervous and excited. I'm mostly excited. And it's going to be great and really fun. And YAY!

And I'm not as poor anymore. And that's weird. And I have to remind myself not to go crazy, A LOT. Because now that I'm not as poor, I also have more responsibilities and the like. 

And I go outside a lot more often. Which, has never been a thought that crossed my mind very often. I was very much an inside person. But I spent almost all day outside yesterday. And I'm currently sitting outside whilst I write this. And I just always want to be outside these days.

And I'm healthier. I have less vitamin deficiencies and all that. And I'm losing weight (kind of, I get lazy a lot) and that's awesome. I catch myself in the mirror sometimes at work and I'm like, wait, is that ME?! When did I start looking like that? But it's nice to see the effects of the work that I DO put in. 

Guys, I'm an actual grown-up these days. Like, when the heck did that even happen? And really, WHO LET THAT HAPPEN?! 

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely week! 

Reille K. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014

all the new things.

There is almost never a middle ground, it seems, for my life. When one thing is new, EVERYTHING ELSE decides that it needs to be new too. And I can never quite discern which thing decided to be new first.

For example: Last year, around February, I decided that it was high time that I went to the Singles Ward. And around that same time, stupid drama was happening at work and I was done with Softlines and wanted to be switched to Instocks (my first choice was ACTUALLY Pricing, but, I'm actually really glad that I ended up on Instocks. I think the task was more my speed). And the fruition of those two decisions happened at the exact same time. My first Sunday in the Singles Ward was two days before my first day on Instocks.

And now, I have a new calling and a new job at the same time! This time though, I know that the calling came first. Barely. I got sustained a week and a half before I got the new job. But, I got set apart (which is when a calling becomes a real thing, I think) two days before I start my new job.

It just amazes me that this is how it always seems to happen for me. It's almost as if I plan it. Or maybe, it's Heavenly Father who plans it (more likely). I still have yet to understand the why or any of that. And honestly, don't know that it's that important if I ever do. Just, an interesting happenstance, I suppose. It freaks me out every time because I have to figure out how to adjust my life to all the new things, but I guess I do well under pressure? I'm still not really sure about that one. But, it's been said to me before.

Anyway,  I hope you all have a lovely Sunday evening, and a lovely Memorial Day, and a lovely week in general. :)

     Reille K.

Sunday, May 18, 2014


Change is a really scary thing. And it's been on my mind A LOT lately. 

Change is an interesting thing. It either shuts someone down or wakes them up. Some people cannot for the life of them, handle change. In any capacity. They are so attached to their routine and the way they do things, that they fall apart when something HAS to change or when it DOES change. But there are also those people that react to change as if they are waking up from the perfect sleep. They are so invigorated and ready for the challenge and they can hardly WAIT to get started and get into the fray of it all. 

We get so used to our everyday life that when it's going to be different, it's hard to adjust. We have to adjust the way we do everything! The way we think about making plans with people. The way we eat and when we eat. We have to do everything in our lives differently even if that's not what's changing. 

We get stuck in a rut without even realizing it. And then we have to bump our way out of those ruts when we (or someone else) decides that it's time for a change. It's rough for a while but then you get to smooth ground again and you're good to go! Right? 

How do you deal with it? Do you accept it willingly and take the challenge and run with it? Do you discuss your struggles and victories with only those around you? Or do you take it up with Heavenly Father too? Do you give credit where credit is due? Are you grateful for the opportunity to improve or mad that you have to turn your life upside down? Do you just shut down and hope that no one will notice? Do you fight against it with all your might? Do you accept the change gracefully and hope that you'll figure it out eventually? 

In my experience, it's different every time. Depending on where you're at in life. How the change came about; did you chase after the change and make it happen? Or did it just fall into your lap? That can make a difference in how you deal with it! But in all reality, it's up to you. It's up to you whether you're going to cast yourself as the victim, or the hero(ine) in this story. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

is this even real life?

For the past week and a half I have been in a constant state of, "Is this even real life? I cannot even believe it. It's just too good to be true!"

In my last post I said I might have an announcement, and I do! And it's a good announcement...

It all started with a joke at the dinner table. We were talking about work or school or something, and I turned to my dad and said, "I should just come work at Bear River!" And then a couple days later, he texted me and asked if I was serious about what I said. And not really thinking much of it, I was like, Yeah, sure! I wouldn't mind trying. Totally not thinking I would get the job. So I wrote a resume-- because I didn't even have a resume yet, thank you, Pinterest-- and sent it to the head of HR and she called me the next day and set up an interview. And then that Wednesday I interviewed and it went really well. She asked me back for a second interview with the Executive Board and wow. That was a bit scary, but about an hour later they called and offered me the job! 

It all happened so quickly and I am so excited and nervous and ready and a little scared. And uncomfortable. I have been seriously stuck in a rut lately. And I'm stoked to not have to work on Sunday's anymore. I'm just... I am in awe of how much Heavenly Father has blessed me right now. And I don't know what to do with my arms (which happens in real life, A LOT, like, what do you do with your arms?!). And I have a grown up job where I have to wear business attire! And I get to look cute at work and not get cuts and bruises all over my body! And have un-nameable dirt from boxes all over me!

I am a little bummed that I won't have Wednesday's off anymore so I can't go to the temple every Wednesday morning and I am so going to miss all my temple worker friends SO MUCH. Because they are just the cutest and I love them. And I can no longer go to lunch with my Grandma and Dana. And I won't have that extra 10% discount at Target anymore, which is a bummer. But hey. The bigger picture is pretty freaking great.

Soooo, that's the announcement. I quit Target. And my last day is the 23rd. And I have a new job. And I am so blessed and scared and excited. And I can't even believe it.

I hope you guys have the greatest rest of the week!

     Reille K.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

mother's day diy.

So, guys. I totally made my mother's day prezzie and I got it from Pinterest and I thought I would show you guys like, a little DIY thing for it. Is that cool? Or is it lame? I guess we may never know.

Anyway, I did a bleach pen t-shirt! And obviously I chose a shirt in my mom's favorite color.

Things you'll need:
-t-shirt or clothing item of your choice
-bleach pen
-a big piece of cardboard
-wax paper
-any stencils or patterns if you are not a free-hander like myself.

First, you'll want to cut the cardboard so it will fit nicely inside the shirt or pants that you're working with. Mostly just so things will stay in place and not get shifty on you.

Then, if you plan on re-using your cardboard like I do, cover it with wax paper and tape it down in all the spots that are kinda roll-y still so it won't get in the way of you drawing.

Then you put the shirt on the cardboard and tape on any stencils that you want so they don't shift.

 Before you start drawing, make sure you shake the pen really well so it's an even consistency and so the bleach-y part is all mixed with the gel-y part. And then have at it! Draw to your hearts content.

Right after I finished drawing.
Right before I rinsed off the
I let mine set for about 10 minutes, but you can go longer or shorter. You can even let the bleach dry all the way if you want the color to be white white white. If you don't let all the bleach dry, it comes out different colors. Which, mine has a little bit of a teal color in the middle of some of it, which is a result of having thicker lines or globby bits of bleach gel on those parts. And the longer you leave it on there, the thicker your letters or design will be, because the bleach kinda seeps a little bit and gets soaked into the fibers of the cloth. And you can see in the pictures how you can tell that the color is changing and you can see what it's going to look like as it goes on.

An example of the color
  When it's as dried as you would like, rinse off the bleach with COLD water, to stop the bleaching process. COLD water. That way, you're good to go to wash it with other stuff if you want. Or, if you're paranoid, like me, you can wash and dry it by itself. :)

Once you've rinsed it, like I said, go ahead and wash and dry as normal. And that's it! Ta-da! You have a cool unique shirt that no one else will have!

Finished product!
I went with a lime theme because that's my mom's favorite color. And I also went with a joke-y present because of a recent conversation I had with my mom. Basically, she's just the best, and I don't tell her nearly as often as I should how much I appreciate and love her. Even though some days she drives me up the wall, she's still the best Momma for me.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an awesome week! I may have an announcement later this week, and I may not. Look for a post on probably Wednesday. :)

     Reille K. 


Saturday, May 3, 2014


Once upon a time, I went to Vegas for the first time ever with my bestie, Jessica, for my 20th birthday. Yes, 20th. And everyone thought I was the weirdest little weird, because what's the point if you aren't 21? Well, the point is, there's more to do in Vegas than drinking and gambling, and even if I WAS 21, I still wouldn't have done any of that stuff. Yeah? Yeah. 

The drive down was super windy, and they closed the freeway twice in the four days we were gone. And I finally got to sit in the HUGE Beaver Valley chair. High school Me felt like I was part of the "in-crowd" for sure. It was fun and nice to go at whatever pace we wanted to because we were in charge and we could stop for whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. 

We went to The Tournament of Kings, which was a blast. We sat by a Canadian named Matt, NAND Merlin hit on me at the beginning of the he show. Which, was awesomely uncomfortable. There was a spotlight on me, and we know how much I hate attention. Ha! But, it was still flattering. And we went to the Shark Reef Aquarium, which is the only predator based aquarium. So basically, SHARKS, right? So, obviously, I was SO THERE. Because sharks are my favorite and are the absolute best. I managed to hold the tears in, even though I was so excited. I did manage to get makeup all over their glass because I had my face pressed up against it so I could see better though. I touched rays, and horseshoe crabs. And they had more than one shark tunnel, and see-through floors so the sharks could swim underneath you, which they did. And they had so many different kinds of sharks that were all established so they were nice and big and beautiful. And a ginormous sea turtle, which was so majestic. Obviously I found the coolest adult t-shirt with sharks on it and bought it.

We weren't allowed to take pictures once
the show started, so I got what I could.
We also went to the Titanic exhibit, which was cool in a different way. I've always known a lot about the Titanic, but somehow, I forget it the most. I forget that 2,000 people died on that boat. And I forget that it was supposed to be so super safe. And I forget that some peoples family members didn't even know they were on the boat at all. They were all on their way to a better life. And it ended so abruptly. And that makes me a little sad and also never want to go on a cruise. Just kidding, I still want to go on a cruise. Around the Greek Isles. But the exhibit was super cool. I enjoyed doing that. We went to a super expensive buffet, and took a nap after (what else would you do, right?)  I tried crab legs, and decided that in the he case of all seafood, unless the work is already done for you and you're just reaping the benefits, it's not worth it. 
We walked most of the strip and people watched and ogled all the beautiful hotels/casinos. We decided which ones we would stay in if we were ever rich enough. We saw a small Liberache exhibit, which was beautiful. It took dedication to wear all that super heavy beaded clothing on stage. I love that the hotels are all themed, and there is a theme for everyone. They just need a strictly underwater one now, kind of like the one in A Goofy Movie, and they can call it the Triton or the Grotto, and my life will be complete. Yes to the Mermaids, No to the water beds though. Those are difficult to sleep on. We spoke to beautiful Irish men about how unruly hair can be. We made poor poor poor choices when it came to footwear. And regretted it tremendously. 
We went to church in Jessica's old ward, which was a fun experience for me. The vibe in church in other states is different than it is in Utah. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's there. Also, their chapels are tiny! But everyone is really nice, and I had a really good time. And we met up withJ's old high school friends. Which, was interesting. I really liked most of them, so, at least there's that. And we ate yummy food all weekend, and it was just a super fun experience. Also, we missed the bomb threat that happened at Target by a few hours, which, thank goodness. Because that would have sucked. And we also missed the drama that naturally followed. So, that was nice. 
Going to Vegas is like going to a different planet. They have no open container laws and everyone always has a drink firmly... "Firmly" in their hands (or on a necklace and around their necks). Inside of the casinos, the air is pungent with the smell of all the millions of cigarettes in there. I said that I bet a bunch of people who work in casinos get lung cancer even if they never once smoked. Probably true. And people would be drunk, full on drunk, so early in the day! It amazed me that all these people would spend all this money to go to Vegas, spend so much money doing stuff, spend so much money gambling, and buying drinks and stuff, just to be drunk the entire time and most likely not even remember it. It kills me. I just, don't get it. I decided it's not regulated because it's like The Purge, but instead of illegal things like murder and torture and stuff, it's reckless behavior. Interesting, right? 
All that being said, I really enjoyed it there, and I think we have stumbled upon a new tradition. We did a lot, but we still missed quite a bit. And we can always re-do some stuff! 

Thanks for stopping by!
     Reille K. :)

Thursday, April 24, 2014

"its where they have everything you need to be young and reckless."

That's right. VEGAS. In just under an hour, I'm headed out to Vegas for a long-weekend getaway with Bestie Jess. Kind of for my birthday, I suppose. My last few days of being a "teenager" will be spent in Sin City. Everyone has been asking if I'm turning 21. Because, Vegas. But, alas, I am not. Only 20. We're going because it will be nice to have a break from Orem and all things that reside here for a few days. To get away and to not think about all those things.

Jess planned a surprise for me, and I got it out of her. I hate waiting to know what people are surprising me with. And I also hate it when people sing Happy Birthday to me. And guys, I am so freaking excited. We're going to Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur and we are sitting in the front, and we're cheering for Norway and they are going to be jousting. JOUSTING. Can we say real life "A Knight's Tale", anyone? And once I know the surprise, I can be so excited for it! And I prefer being excited to being all, "Ugh, but what are they going to do to me? What if I don't like it? Uuuugh." Haha. I'm a little weird guy, but that's fine.

I'm really stoked to go and be able to come and go whenever I want to and not to have to worry about keeping people up and we can sleep whenever we want and do whatever we want. And just, have ALL the fun! It will be my first trip without family, or chaperones, and I'm nervous and excited and a tiny bit scared, but that's okay. Because hey, I'm a goin' on an ADVENTURE!!!!! With my best friend! And I just feel so good about that. Because, adventures are good for you.

So anyway, probably the next time I write, I'll be not a teenager and I'll have finally been to Vegas (this will be my first time being there!) and I'll have sat in a really big shark tunnel (we're going to Mandalay Bay). And I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Even though I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore... Oops.

     Reille K. :)

Sunday, April 20, 2014

when you get a text before 7 am...

I wrote this last week, but couldn't publish it until I was officially released...

I planned a really super cool Easter lesson. With video clips and greatness. Thinking that this is for sure going to be either my last lesson as a Relief Society instructor or one of the last. 

A member of the bishopric texted me the morning of my lesson and asked to meet with me before church. Like, right before church. I saw it coming. I knew that he was going to at least release me. If not give me another calling to replace the old.

He did. 

Release me. 

And I got a new calling. 

I was happy, but there was a sadness there that I wasn't expecting. One that didn't come until the moment I ended my lesson. My lesson with the video clips that would NOT work because the wifi signal in the RS  room was rubbish. The lesson that I kind of had to just wing. My last lesson. Ironically, it landed on Easter, which, was actually really nice. 

Afterwards, there were a few people that told me they think the videos wouldn't work for a reason. And I'm sure they're correct. Because last week, the teacher had no issues with the wifi, so I though for sure I would be fine. I think I was given this last opportunity to really share my testimony of the Savior, because that's all I had to fall back on, in terms of a lesson. I didnt even cover the half of my testimony of Him, but I'm glad I shared the small portion that I did. 

He knows me better than anyone else. He knows what I struggle with. He knows the exact people to send into my life to help me and bless me in ways I never knew I needed or wanted. He knows the deepest fears of my heart. He knows about the bad days, as well as the good. He knew that this calling, of being a RS instructor would scare me to death, but would help me grow a LOT. More than ever expected, in ways I never expected. He knew that it would help me realize just how much I DO know about the gospel, where I never thought I knew all that much. He knew I would fall short in this mortal life, and he sent a Savior to help me when I did. I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to teach this past year. As much as I disliked it at times, it has truly made me better. 

I'm going to miss it. But I'm also excited for the new challenges that are coming my way. 

     Reille K.

Friday, April 11, 2014

the "fins" series.

Once upon a blue moon, I used to review books on here. And that was all I did. And that is also what got me into the idea that I enjoyed writing and that I was pretty good at it. I did that for an entire summer, the one that I convinced myself to ONLY read "Classics". Such as: Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice (I think)... I don't remember any of the other ones. They were a little boring to me and they all had basically the same plot line and all run together anyway... Woops.

Anyway... I posted on Instagram the other day my library haul, and someone wanted to know how a few of the books were, therefore, blogpost. :)

The "Fins" series, as it has been so lovingly christened. There's also a novella (I assume) called "Pretty in Pearls" that I haven't read, but might. We'll see. The series is written by a woman who used to be a swimmer and always wished to be a mermaid. (I mean, what girl HASN'T wished to be a mermaid at one point? I sure have! ... I still do sometimes.) I had read the first two books in high school (and maybe even the third) and totally forgotten until I was a little bit into the books. But, as I am the QUEEN of re-reading, I didn't mind reading again. Because, well, mermaids!
I mean, it gets a little cheesy and all that, but let's be real, we love the cheese-factor. It's about an *almost* 18 year old mermaid princess who lives on land and goes to high school. She's half-human but her mother (her human half) died like... when she was really little? The first book is about her falling for the boy, but the second and third books get a little bit less superficial and go more into the princess business and she has to stop wars against the humans because we are ruining the oceans. (Kind of true... oops.)

Personally, I really enjoyed them. I read the first two books in one day... ha! And the third book the next day. But, I also read reals fast. I thought the imagery was fantastic, and the love story was not super unrealistic. She, Lily, is magically bonded to the guy (no spoilers, just in case) and she still isn't sure if she Loves him, so she makes her dad, the king and the only one with the power to break the bond, sever the bond even though she ends up Loving the guy. It all works out in the end though, don't worry! It was refreshing, if you ask me.

Anyway, I would recommend them. Let me know if you read them and we can talk about them! Like a book club! ;)

Have a lovely weekend, everyone!

     Reille K.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

no better place.

This place though. It is my absolute favorite, and I can't think of a better way to spend my Wednesday mornings than being here and doing work for people who have (usually) been waiting for over 100 years! I always open my eyes when I'm doing baptisms so I can see where and when my ladies were alive. And so I can look at their names and think of them more clearly.

The people at the temple know who I am. I'm a regular. And that is really cool. I have ALWAYS loved the temple. It was one of the first things I ever had a real testimony about. And when I wasn't sure about anything else, I was always sure of the temple. And if I knew that what happened in there was real and true and wonderful, then the rest of it HAD to be true too, right? RIGHT. The temple has always gotten me through. And I'm really bummed that I don't get to watch Conference this weekend as its happening, but hey, I still got to go to the temple this week. And hey, that's what the internet is for, right? So I can read, watch, or listen to the talks later. And try not to fall asleep all the time like I did when I did that in October. Their voices are just so soothing and wonderful, wouldn't you agree?

The only time I feel real peace, is at the temple. And I CRAVE it. I just can't find it anywhere else. I feel completely content when I am in the temple and I don't think of anything except the people that I am doing work for, and the temple workers who are standing right in front of me. Because guys, I just love them! They are so cute and great! And it is AWESOME. Because I am constantly overthinking everything and my thoughts are going a million miles a second and when I'm in the temple, my brain slows down and I get a break from my whirring thoughts. And I feel only positive emotions and it lifts me up. And it's the best.

I can barely put into words how much I love the temple. Because I don't think there is any combination of words that can do it justice. Not really.

     Reille K.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

when people you know become people you knew.

Disclaimer: Nothing I say in this post is in any way placing blame or anything. I am simply writing about something that I am familiar with. No more, no less.

I am, unfortunately, quite familiar with this feeling. The feeling of people you know, becoming people you knew. This feeling, he and I are old friends. He comes to visit in that moment when you look at someone that you know and realize that a familiar stranger is standing before you. Each time he comes, he's just a little bit different, but you know. You know it's him. The circumstances can be angry, bitter, and full of contention; but can just as easily be sad, lonely, and depressing. And in even more rare cases, it can be happy, relieving... FREEING. In almost all cases, it's ALL these things at one point or another, like the stages of grief.

I feel as though people talk about the leaving the person/relationship part ALL THE TIME. Whether you leave because its now unhealthy or no longer beneficial or whatever, you just gotta move on with your life and leave them behind. Or you move on and they don't come with you. You know what I'm talking about? There are probably about a thousand quotes about it on Pinterest and Tumblr. And I completely agree--if a relationship (that is not familial, mind you) becomes unhealthy and is strained and full of contention and you're just hurting each other-- by ALL means, get outta there. Buy a one way ticket outta (insert name here) town. If you have the strength, courage, and self-respect to do that, to make it happen for yourself - cheers to you! (Let me be clear, you don't have to turn into a mega-beast to make it happen. Just speak from the heart, yeah?) It is HARD to end relationships, especially when they are relationships that are long.

But, not as widely talked about is what happens after. After you have bought that one-way ticket and you're outta there. The part where you are talking and say some weird made up word that you only ever used with that person. Or you pass their favorite restaurant. Or you smell the perfume or cologne they wore. Or you spot something that would make the PERFECT Christmas/birthday present. And you remember everything. And you can just barely hear your heart break the tiniest little bit. When you miss your old friend so much, it hurts, and you can barely breathe for just a second because of it. When you make the mistake of Facebook stalking them just a little bit and you see what they are doing with their life now and it makes you more sad because you could be doing those things with them and experiencing it right along side them. And for .2 seconds, you might entertain the idea of mending the relationship. That part freaking SUCKS. And it doesn't ever go away all together. It gets better, MUCH better, but not for a loooong while, at least in my case. Because I romanticize EVERYTHING. Perks of being a creator, eh?

But then, right after you consider for those .2 seconds, you remember WHY. Why you are no longer in each others lives. And you get mad and really angry for, hopefully, just a minute and you let it wash over you and then you shake it off and get back to the, "Hey, you know what, I'm fine. I'm happy with my decision. And I've never been better and I grew so much from this experience. And this is where I'm supposed to be and the people who are supposed to be with me are here. And I love them and they are great." It's okay to remember those that you had to leave behind. What's NOT OKAY is to dwell on them. To harbor a bucket ton of anger and resentment towards them. Because it WILL spill out of that bucket and get all over everything else in your life. And it will NOT be a picnic. Let me tell ya.

Can I let you in on a secret though? Something that I more recently learned for myself? You will NEVER stop loving that person. The person that you knew. I mean, you don't love the person at this moment, but at one point, they WERE that person that you love. Because at that time, they were exactly who you needed and they helped you grow and develop and that is fantastic. And they will forever be immortalized as that person in your memory. But, people change and grow and sometimes, outgrow. It happens, because we are humans. And that's how humans roll. We are ever evolving. You just have to build a little room in your heart for those people to go live once you kick them out of your life... or gently lead them out. Whatever your style is. :)

Anyway, I need to go to BED. Like, reals bad. So, goodnight! I hope this week is better than last. :)

     Reille K.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

being vulnerable is hard.

I have had so many ideas bouncing around in my head about posts I could write and all that jazz, but every time I sit down to write anything, I come up blank. I can't really figure out what it is, because if I could, I could deal with it and get back into writing. I haven't been writing for a while... and I don't like that. I loved writing one, sometimes two, posts in a day. I loved that this was a constant part of my life. I loved that I had an outlet for all the swirling emotions.

But at one point, I'm not sure when, exactly, but I started to censor what I shared, or how I shared some things. It wasn't the way that I wanted to write. It wasn't who I am. If you know me (which, most of you do, I think) I am NOT a censored person. I have very little filter to what I say. And I have no qualms with sharing exactly what I think and how I feel. Because, I don't see any point in speaking otherwise. Sure, it can sometimes take me a minute to figure out HOW to say those things, simply because I express myself best in the written word, but it still gets out most of the time.

With the occurrence of some recent events, I realized something. Something that I think I've always known, but not consciously. I was frustrated with someone because they wouldn't ACT... towards me. And I was ready to give up on the hope that something would happen. Literally, a centimeter away, when someone reminded me that I was just as responsible for the lack of action. And they were right. I hated that they were right and that they were being logical about this and not letting their emotions cloud the situation and run the show. And thinking about what I probably had to do, I was scared. It would make me vulnerable. It would be putting my feelings for this person out there... directly to them. Since a lot of people actually know about said feelings... It's hard to MAKE yourself vulnerable to other people. Whether that be because you have put your feelings out there, or sharing testimony, or saying what you think, or talking to someone that you have never talked to before, or broaching a subject that is hard to talk about with someone you care about--it makes you vulnerable and that's scary. But, you and I, especially I, can't get frustrated with people because they can't bring themselves to be vulnerable when you aren't willing to do the same.

But, all of this reminded me of something else. About six months ago, one of my dearest childhood friends got his mission call. And I was ecstatic for him. Insider tip, I had been absolutely in love with this kid forrrrr, my whole life. Or close to it. And I had told his twin brother about it and he "subtlety" informed him about it without saying that it was me? I don't know... And, I knew that he had a serious girlfriend and she is literally the nicest, cutest girl ever. And I always tried to keep my distance, because I knew that if I didn't, I would hate myself and get super jealous and blah blah blah. I also knew that, if I never talked to this human about my feelings for him and his feelings for me, I would always wonder, "What if?" and I would hate it forever. Wondering "what if" will eat your brains out. Like, an inner zombie, if you will. Around two months after that, it came time for him to head out. I went to his farewell and spent the *majority* of my Sunday just chillin' at his house and with his family. And his twin, who I LOVE TO DEATH, and I discussed it in depth. I had to talk to him before he left. I had to do it that night. But, I chickened and it never ended up happening. Which, I think, is how it was always meant to be. Because I know, I KNOW that there will only ever be friendship between me and this kid. I've already had that confirmation. BUT, it will always be my little baby "What if?" in the back of my mind. Like, what would my life be like if I HAD talked to him about it? Would it be different? (Probably not, but you get the picture). 

Having told you all that, go back to the other more recent situation. I hated the feeling of having that ,"What if?" in the back of my mind constantly. HATED it. And I don't want this situation to turn into that. Because I don't know that I can handle more than one "what if" zombie running around up there in my noggin. I'm not sure how anyone could. So, I hope, HOPE that I can take care of this one soon. Because it's on the brink of driving up the wall. I'm getting a tiny bit crazy about it. I say, "take care of this", as if it's some infestation or something like that. It's not. I just... its complicated. And once I set my mind to do something, I'm rearing and ready to get 'er done. And my course of action has been decided since Saturday and it's now Tuesday, and I'm just so ready. I'm weird and it's endearing, okay?

Anyway, I'll leave it there. See you soon, hopefully.

     Reille K. :)

Sunday, January 19, 2014

I'm baaaack!

It's a weird thing, this blogging business. I go through periods of time where I am like, "Holy buckets! I'm learning all these things and having all these great ideas and I want to blog ALL the time!" And other periods where I can't be bothered and I have absolutely NO interest in the blogosphere. I guess we can attribute that to my creative ebb and flow. Because, let's be honest, that's exactly what it is. And also, the stuff that happens to be going on in the life outside the internets. It affects my creativity and my writing and I get in grunky moods and I don't want this to ever be a place where I come to just vent and complain and hate on things. I think I'd like to save that for a different space.

But, as many or all of you have probably noticed, I have not blogged in MONTHS. I've been going through some hard and weird things lately and I was in the EBB part of the ebb and flow. With just about all of my creative outlets. But, I think I'm back and ready to party. Maybe. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, I've really been trying to get out of my little bubble that I've created for myself, my little cozy nest, if you will. It's HARD. I hate it sometimes. Because it makes me just a little ball of anxiety and stress. I'm sure most people don't notice it, but holy buckets, I feel like a mess half the time. I've been attempting to actually hang out with people and do things rather than sit at home and waste away. It's going... alright. I realized this past Friday though, that since I was not a touchy person in high school, I didn't get a lot of practice and so I am literally the most awkward of awkwards when people, say, go in for a hug. Which is what alerted me to this issue that I have. I just... Social interaction is hard.

I've missed blogging. But at the same time, I loved the time that I had away from it to replenish and restore the bucket of creativity.

until next time...

     Reille K.