Thursday, September 21, 2017

do you believe in angels?

This summer, I went to the OCEAN for the first time. And it was amazing and I loved it and I already want to go back. All the heart eyes emoji for the ocean. 

But, back up to before I left for my trip. 

We were saying a prayer before I left for work (I left from work to go on my trip), and in the prayer, my dad asked for angels to protect us and that we would be safe. 

And while this was happening, I felt CHILLS. And it was nice. I didn't think much more about it. When I went to leave, I got on the road a bit later than I would have liked and I was a little miffed about that. On my way to Cedar, I passed a roll-over accident. It had literally JUST happened before I came upon it. A bunch of people had stopped, but there were no emergency vehicles or anything there. There was a huge piece of tire in the middle of the road, so I would guess that their tire blew and they lost control. I literally JUST missed it. 

Then, on our way to California and while there, there were a handful of times where someone ALMOST ran into us, but they didn't. And every time that happened, I was reminded of that prayer that my dad gave before I left. 

I was telling Jessica about it while we walked from the car to the beach, and again, I got CHILLS. I knew. I knew then and I know now, that we were being watched over and guarded. I can't tell you how absolutely incredible that was. 

Sometimes, when I'm sitting somewhere by myself and I allow everything to get REALLY quiet... I can feel them. The angels. MY angels. I really believe that the women I have done temple work for (ESPECIALLY the ones that are MY ancestors) are with me when I need them. And some of my other ancestors too. They are here to comfort and protect me. Do you know your angels? Do you feel them when they are near? Will you please, just take some time to b alone and sit. Without any music on. Without any Netflix playing. Put your phone away. And just listen with your heart for them. You might be surprised by what you find. (A good surprise, hopefully)

Cheers, fam
-Reille K. :)

stepping into the unknown.

I REEEEEAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY want to get back into blogging. Like, BAD. Remember when I had so much to say that I would write MULTIPLE posts in a day? Because the words would not stop flowing out of my fingertips?! I felt like I was so in-tune with how I was feeling those days and wrote with so much raw emotion. And had the confidence to spill so much of that out into the world! And I miss that part of me. That Reille was so freaking COOL. So. Here we are. Trying to wake that Reille up again. :) 
I want to make it a goal to write at least once a week. I'm not going to set a specific day or time for right now. I just want to start writing again. I think I might start out with quotes and talk about those. Or maybe tell you something cool that I've discovered. We'll see. 

"The foremost quality of our pioneers was faith. 
With faith in God, they did was every pioneer
does -- they stepped forward into the unknown." 
-Dallin H. Oaks

 I feel like I'm a little bit in that place right now. And I totally go through phases like this. But I feel like whatever is ahead of me is unknown right now. I know that I will be at work. I know that I will be at home. But all the filler of my life... is not something I know very much about right now. 
I know what I WANT it to be filled with. It's just a matter of getting myself to do the things. I want it to be filled with exercise and health. I want it to be filled with spiritual growth and learning. I want it to be filled with good books and the scriptures. I want it to be filled with the temple and self-care. 

But mostly, I want it to be filled with faith. Faith in God's timing. Faith that will help me to be patient (something I haven't felt very good at lately) in this waiting period of my life. Faith to learn those things that I need to learn right now. So that I can be the very best Reille that I can be. 

So, I'm stepping forward into my unknown. And I know that Heavenly Father will guide me to the right places and people and things.I just have to trust Him. 

Cheers, fam
-Reille K. :) 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

i'm a changed woman.

So this week, I've been re-reading for the millionth time, one of my favorite books. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. She's my favorite author and I love pretty much all of her books. I wanted to talk about a quote from that book that helped me realize something about my own life.

"I'd been through so much, falling short again and again, and only recently had found a place where who I was, right now, was enough." 

As I read that, I thought about how I used to feel that way before I went through the temple. I always thought that any slip up, whether big or small, was a shortcoming. That I was just screwing everything up and that I would never get it right. I felt so inadequate. And I didn't fully comprehend that those were my feelings until pretty recently. I felt like I had to be absolutely 100% perfect in order to be worthy to go to the temple. Especially to go THROUGH the temple. And that was a big part of why I was so confused when Heavenly Father told me I needed to take out my endowment. But, I did it anyway because I trust Him. I was really nervous that I would feel trapped by the endowment. Once you do it, you can't really go back on that. I mean, you can, but... it's not really that simple. Ya dig?

After I went through the temple, I tried to make it a pretty regular habit. I went as often as I possibly could and found that I didn't feel inadequate anymore. I felt like I was right where I needed to be for me, and for those who I would serve by being temple worthy. I felt... bright, filled, and free. It's like the new knowledge and protection I had from the ordinance and the covenant I made broke whatever chains I may have not realized were there and I remembered that I have wings! I feel so much more available to the Spirit now. And part of that likely comes from the way that it all happened and how I learned how better to listen to that Spirit and the way that it speaks to me. But that's so important.

It all feels kinda weird, because I don't feel like I need to be "perfect" to be in the temple anymore. The temple is where I go when you feel broken, tired, and weary. When I'm celebrating, happy, and grateful. I go to the temple, not because I'm perfect, but because I'm not perfect. Because I can't do it alone. Because I don't WANT to do it alone. With the temple, I feel... ENOUGH. Just as I am, and just where I am, RIGHT NOW. More enough than I ever felt before I was endowed. 

If you're feeling a little less than enough, I would encourage you to take a trip to the temple this coming week. Whether that's a trip to the inside, or to the outside. Just go. And be still there for a while. You might be surprised by what you find. 

Reille K. :)

Thursday, February 23, 2017

the month I fell off the face of the earth and my niece was born.

I kinda fell off the face of the planet this month.  I stayed home sick for three and a half? days (I’m really hoping I entered all this into my timecard before I left for vacation because it’s all a blur now… I’m like 90% sure that I did) within the two weeks before I went on my required 40 hour vacation (which, myself and my parents flew to Colorado to meet my new niece, who I talk about later on in this post). And the days that I didn’t stay home, I was miserable and grumpy and had no voice. I’m currently in the middle of a second round of antibiotics because I had a sinus infection (round one) that morphed into an ear infection (round two). So, it’s been kind of a weird few weeks.

In the middle all the sickness hullabaloo, my sweet little niece, Hailey, was born. Instant obsession (I mean, who isn’t instantly obsessed with their nieces and nephews?). She was just a tiny little gummy bear, weighing 4lbs 11oz and measuring 17 inches when she was born. She came via an emergency c-section because she was in distress. Which is huge a blessing because she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, wrist, and legs. So, had she been born vaginally, she probably wouldn’t have survived birth. They did discover after she was born, that she was missing her right tibia (the big weight bearing bone in the lower leg) which makes her foot turn in as well. I know, you didn’t even know that was a thing, right? Neither did we. From what the internet has told us (because Google has been my family’s best friend for the past week), there’s a one in a million chance to be born without a tibia. More often a child is born without the fibula, which is the smaller, side bone in the lower leg. So, there’s not a TON of information about it, but there is enough that we’ve found some resources. There are a few options with these kinds of conditions, ranging from reconstruction to amputation. Depending on what kind of joints and other bones they have to work with. My sister and brother-in-law have only gotten one opinion so far, and there is still a lot of time before any decisions have to be made, so no definitive plans moving forward yet. Other than missing a bone, she is perfectly healthy.

So many people have been instantly supportive and it always has and always will amaze me how people can and will come together when something kind of big and scary is happening to someone they know. If you have been part of that, or become part of that in the future, thank you. Every text, Facebook comment, Instagram like, email, prayer – they mean so much. All in all, I think I can speak for the whole fam in saying that we just feel tremendously privileged to have the opportunity to be part of raising this sweet little babe. Her parents are AMAZING (I’m totally not biased) and have been being prepared for this wonderful little soul for a long time. She is so strong and just filled with light. It’s definitely not going to be easy, and this is just the beginning, but it will be so worth it. I can feel how amazing Hailey is already, and I think she is going to touch a lot of lives. The future is a little scary, but, I also feel a lot of comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father has put her in the hands of my sister and brother-in-law. And all of her aunts and uncles and grandparents… we will all be there to support her, and learn from her, and love her. It will all be okay in the end, and it will all go exactly as Heavenly Father has planned it. I just know it.
Not a fan of being unwrapped and cold

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

"But you gotta have faith, faith, faith!"

In 2016, I finally FINALLY figured out how to have faith in God's timing with ALL things. Something that I have struggled with since I was 18. Faith in his plan, I had (and have). Because he told me that I didn't have to go on a mission (because I actually didn't want to go on a mission, sue me) and I met my two very best friends in the time that I would have been gone. AND did SO many baptisms for the dead because I went every week for a year. Three HUGE things that have impacted my life in a big way! But the timing of that plan? My faith in that was... lacking. The experience that I had with God telling me to go through the temple at the time that He did... was kinda nuts. I thought it was a terrible thing, because (this might sound totally stupid) it felt like I was giving up on finding a husband. Because in my head, the endowment was directly linked to MARRIAGE, MISSION, OR OLD MAIDS. (!!!) And the fact that he was telling me to do it without any of those things being on the table, made me feel like... He wasn't listening to me. Hearing my prayers. Because it wasn't MY timing. I just wanted a man, dangit! And I kinda hate typing that out loud. But it really is how I felt. 
I read an article that was talked about how the endowment is not a "stepping stone covenant". And that totally changed the way I was thinking. Because it's not! The endowment, on it's own, is a saving ordinance. Like, duh Reille. And I've realized that with receiving my endowment, and being a temple going lady, Heavenly Father was making me into the woman I need to be in order to be ready for marriage. To be the type of woman that the guy He has in store for me is looking for. To fulfill my eternal potential. To give Him the tools to answer all dem prayers I was prayin'!
Now that I've been endowed for... 9 months... I can see it. I can see how the temple was integral to the Master Plan for me. I became exponentially more spiritual and spiritually minded since going through the temple. I'm in less of a hurry to marry myself off to someone. I'm learning how to enjoy the growth of this period in my life. And how that's going to positively affect my future romantic relationship(s?). And I understand so much more of the gospel and it's teachings than I ever have in the past.
Hindsight is 20/20. But the lesson lies within the hindsight, most of the time. God knows what and who you need to become, in order for you to be able to do the things He knows you want to do. And He's going to make those things happen for you. I promise. And I KNOW it's so freaking hard to have faith in the timing of everything. It really is. But, if you look back on your life... has He ever led you to something bad? God has so many awesome blessings in store for you. Better than you could ever dream up for yourself.

I hope that you can find something wonderful to hold on to, that will help you when hard things are happening. Like, the memory that you would think of to cast a patronus. 

Reille K. :)

Sunday, January 22, 2017

i never know what to title my posts.

I feel like Jessica just wants me to blog all the time. Which, I don't blame her. I just think its funny. We have #samebrain so we just get each other. I generally feel like I have a healthier, happier brain space when I just blog it out (which, most of my blog posts are me free writing and not thinking too much about things), and I think she remembers that more than I do. *insert crying laughing emoji here*.

I've been in a major funk lately when it comes to the social medias. I feel like what I have to say is not pretty enough. Eloquent enough. Or sparkly enough. For the "fancy" medias like Instagram. I feel like I'm only good enough for the "ratchet" medias like Snapchat. Which, wouldn't bother me so much if I always felt that way. Like... I hate, HATE that I have anxieties surrounding social media now because I used to literally post whatever and not give it a second thought. Now whenever I go to post, I can't find the words to say and I usually have thoughts like, "Screw it, it's not important. I'm just not going to post anything". So I don't. And then I have all these thoughts that were prepping themselves to be shared floating around up there with no where else to go. It makes me only marginally more crazy than I am in general. 

So, I think, I want to attempt to write more? I question it because I've said that a MILLION times and it just never happens. It's like, when you're terrible at journaling and you always start out your entry with, "Sorry I haven't written in a while, let me catch you up,". But, there was a time when I was writing a post basically every day. And most days I would write one post, and then have more to say about something else, so I would end u with more than one post a day! That seems crazy to me now. I feel a lot more... closed off than I once was. I feel like... people just don't care THAT much about what I have to say. Do I even have that much to say anymore? I don't know. But, I think I'm gonna attempt to get back into it. Because writing and putting it out there is much better for my brainspace than just laying in my bed and bingeing (is that really how you spell that? It looks gross... but if you take out the 'e' it;s binging...) on Netflix or Hulu (my current obsession is Smallville) all evening, EVERY evening. And wallowing in my thoughts. And scrolling and scrolling through Instagram and Pinterst and the like. Action feels better than inaction. I don't know. We're just gonna take this one day at a time. 

Also, I tried to change my sign off phrase or whatever you want to call it, and I hated it and couldn't ever remember it. So I'm gonna just stick with "Cheers" until I die, k? K. 

I hope you have a great week. And that nothing sucks too much. 

Reille K. :) 

Sunday, November 27, 2016

um hi.

Today is one of those days that I just kind of never want to forget. You know those days when you feel like you are spiritually in your element? Like, your comments in class all come out perfectly. Anything you are asked to do, you feel totally capable and it goes really well? Today was one of those days for me. 

I felt so on top of my game! I had lots to say in Sunday School, and I didn't get all nervous and flustered and my face didn't turn bright red with the stress. Which, hasn't happened in a REALLY long time. When I first started going to the single's ward, I was a mess. I was so shy and I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't talk to anyone. But I forced myself to make comments in class and participate. And then I was called to be a RS teacher after a few months in the ward. I could comment in class until my face turned blue, I was so okay with it at that point. And then I stopped being a teacher. And then a bunch of new people got put in our ward. And it was no longer this cozy little den of a ward. It felt like we had been invaded (no longer feels that way, btw), and these newbies were all beautiful and way more spiritual than me and I was no longer good enough to comment in class. So I stopped. And when I did comment, my voice was all shaky with Nervous. And my face and my ears would turn red because of stress and vulnerability. And that was hard. I had a hard time with that. 

But lately, I've been trying really hard to be more vulnerable. This is not the first time I have had to really work on that. I have a hard time being vulnerable in large groups of people. It's hard to let people love me. To let them look at me and see me. And SEE me for me. But, I also love the rush of participating in class, and helping others feel the spirit. And sharing my insights with "outside my brain" peeps. 

I gave the thought at ward prayer tonight because I was one) lazy and didn't want to go through the trouble of finding someone at church to do it. And two) I feel like I should sometimes take a turn when I am having to ask other people to do it. 
And you guys. I was clearly inspired to give the thought that I gave. And it was so cool. Aside from the fact that I cried A LOT. Like, the whole time, basically. 

I talked about how I was kinda freaking out when I was preparing to go through the temple. How I knew that it was from God, and I knew that God wanted me to do this and HE knew I was ready, but I just didn't know if I thought I was ready. I didn't FEEL ready. I went into April's general conference just pleading with Heavenly Father to give me SOMETHING. Something to help me feel okay with all of it. And during Elder Gerrit W. Gong's talk, "Always Remember Him", there was a paragraph or two that were the answer to MY prayer.  

"...we can always remember Him by trusting when the Lord assures us, “He who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”...
Once we repent and priesthood leaders declare us worthy, we need not continue to confess and confess these past sins. To be worthy does not mean to be perfect. Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness invites us to be humbly at peace on our life’s journey to someday become perfected in Christ, not constantly worried, frustrated, or unhappy in our imperfections today. Remember, He knows all the things we don’t want anyone else to know about us—and loves us still."

As soon as I heard this part of the talk, I was immediately overwhelmed with peace. I knew that I was ready... because God knew I was ready. If we do the things that God asks us to do, even when we don't feel ready or adequate or ENOUGH, he will bless us. He was bless us ESPECIALLY if we feel  unready, inadequate and less than enough and we do it anyway. If we will put our trust in Him. In His timing. Heavenly Father knows. He knows all the things about me that I don't broadcast. The mistakes I've made. The things I don't like about myself. AND LOVES ME STILL. And he told me that it was time to go to the temple. So, I did it. And I felt good about it.

I went to a fireside with Sister Oaks a few weeks ago and of COURSE Elder Oaks was there and said a few things. The topic that he focused his remarks on was TIMING. It's all down to timing. And even though going to the temple at that point was not MY timing, it was the RIGHT timing. Because it was 100% GOD'S TIMING. I gave it all over to Him and I know now that I did the exact right thing. I know that God has a plan for each of us. And it is completely tailored to you. And even if it's not YOUR timing, its going to be perfect timing. Because God knows exactly what you need, when you need it, to not only get YOU back to Him, but so you can help others along the way. 

My bishop came up to me afterwards and told me that I answered someone's prayer tonight. The Spirit was definitely present, I was overwhelmed myself (hence all the crying), so I feel pretty confident that the bishop was right. And that is SO AWESOME. I love that. I love being that for someone. And like SO many people came up and hugged me (which I'm starting to get more used to) and even some VERY unexpected people hugged me. Which... I didn't hate? I don't know. Today was just a really really good day. And I'm really happy. A good end to a good stretch of time off and a holiday. Yeah. 

Life is good. 
God is great. 
You are gorgeous.

-Reille K. :)