Tuesday, March 25, 2014

being vulnerable is hard.

I have had so many ideas bouncing around in my head about posts I could write and all that jazz, but every time I sit down to write anything, I come up blank. I can't really figure out what it is, because if I could, I could deal with it and get back into writing. I haven't been writing for a while... and I don't like that. I loved writing one, sometimes two, posts in a day. I loved that this was a constant part of my life. I loved that I had an outlet for all the swirling emotions.

But at one point, I'm not sure when, exactly, but I started to censor what I shared, or how I shared some things. It wasn't the way that I wanted to write. It wasn't who I am. If you know me (which, most of you do, I think) I am NOT a censored person. I have very little filter to what I say. And I have no qualms with sharing exactly what I think and how I feel. Because, I don't see any point in speaking otherwise. Sure, it can sometimes take me a minute to figure out HOW to say those things, simply because I express myself best in the written word, but it still gets out most of the time.

With the occurrence of some recent events, I realized something. Something that I think I've always known, but not consciously. I was frustrated with someone because they wouldn't ACT... towards me. And I was ready to give up on the hope that something would happen. Literally, a centimeter away, when someone reminded me that I was just as responsible for the lack of action. And they were right. I hated that they were right and that they were being logical about this and not letting their emotions cloud the situation and run the show. And thinking about what I probably had to do, I was scared. It would make me vulnerable. It would be putting my feelings for this person out there... directly to them. Since a lot of people actually know about said feelings... It's hard to MAKE yourself vulnerable to other people. Whether that be because you have put your feelings out there, or sharing testimony, or saying what you think, or talking to someone that you have never talked to before, or broaching a subject that is hard to talk about with someone you care about--it makes you vulnerable and that's scary. But, you and I, especially I, can't get frustrated with people because they can't bring themselves to be vulnerable when you aren't willing to do the same.

But, all of this reminded me of something else. About six months ago, one of my dearest childhood friends got his mission call. And I was ecstatic for him. Insider tip, I had been absolutely in love with this kid forrrrr, my whole life. Or close to it. And I had told his twin brother about it and he "subtlety" informed him about it without saying that it was me? I don't know... And, I knew that he had a serious girlfriend and she is literally the nicest, cutest girl ever. And I always tried to keep my distance, because I knew that if I didn't, I would hate myself and get super jealous and blah blah blah. I also knew that, if I never talked to this human about my feelings for him and his feelings for me, I would always wonder, "What if?" and I would hate it forever. Wondering "what if" will eat your brains out. Like, an inner zombie, if you will. Around two months after that, it came time for him to head out. I went to his farewell and spent the *majority* of my Sunday just chillin' at his house and with his family. And his twin, who I LOVE TO DEATH, and I discussed it in depth. I had to talk to him before he left. I had to do it that night. But, I chickened and it never ended up happening. Which, I think, is how it was always meant to be. Because I know, I KNOW that there will only ever be friendship between me and this kid. I've already had that confirmation. BUT, it will always be my little baby "What if?" in the back of my mind. Like, what would my life be like if I HAD talked to him about it? Would it be different? (Probably not, but you get the picture). 

Having told you all that, go back to the other more recent situation. I hated the feeling of having that ,"What if?" in the back of my mind constantly. HATED it. And I don't want this situation to turn into that. Because I don't know that I can handle more than one "what if" zombie running around up there in my noggin. I'm not sure how anyone could. So, I hope, HOPE that I can take care of this one soon. Because it's on the brink of driving up the wall. I'm getting a tiny bit crazy about it. I say, "take care of this", as if it's some infestation or something like that. It's not. I just... its complicated. And once I set my mind to do something, I'm rearing and ready to get 'er done. And my course of action has been decided since Saturday and it's now Tuesday, and I'm just so ready. I'm weird and it's endearing, okay?

Anyway, I'll leave it there. See you soon, hopefully.

     Reille K. :)

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