Sunday, September 23, 2012

Never in a MILLION years...

This week has been absolutely PACKED.

  • I went back to high school for a day (half a day, really)
  • I got lost on a college campus (barely)
  • I led my team at work (which is weird because I'm a baby)
  • I went on a date (whoo hoo!)
  • I got home early, but still didn't go to bed until late.
  • I finished season 8 of Grey's. (OH MY GOSH)
  • I read two books.
  • I went to a temple dedication. 
  • I took a really long nap.
  • And I saw a REALLY, just absolutely adorable little baby. (She's a week old.) 
I thought it would be as simple as walking into the building to go back and visit my favorite teacher. When I got there, though, I had a flash of an instinctive feeling that I didn't belong there. And I don't, obviously. But it was slightly hostile. And that was weird. It was weird to be back in that building. I am such a different person than I was when I went to school there, and it's only been a few months. I talked to Mr. Barth (Clayton and I have been trying to refer to him as 'Paul' now, since that's his name, but we can't make ourselves do it verbally. Only in writing, so far) for about an hour and a half. And then I thought I might as well go see Brother Christiansen, my favorite seminary teacher. Even with his class being slightly disruptive, I felt the Spirit. That man is incredible. Really. He told me that I should really just go get a schedule for institute so I could go a couple times a week. And we talked about my date. And I went on my way.
Which brings me to the college campus. I went to UVU, and somehow, I got really lost and I never ended up getting the institute schedule. It was just too much for my brain. I don't like getting lost when there is construction of any sort. So I scrapped the idea, for now.
I got to work on friday night and was informed that I was going to be leading the softlines team. (Softlines = Clothing parts of the store.) I've only been at Target for just over 90 days, so I feel like a Target baby. But my leaders see leadership potential in me. I feel like everyone sees me as a leader, and I'm the only one that doesn't. It's just a weird feeling for me. It was touch and go in the middle there, but the night ended on a successful note. It definitely has to stay a once-in-a-while deal while I'm just your average Team Member.
I went on a date last night. The first day of fall. The first day trying out the new me. I asked this kid named Joel on a date. We went to High School together, and he was DEFINITELY one of the populars. It felt insane. I felt insane for even asking him. A year ago, I would have LAUGHED at you openly if you told me that I would be going on a date with him, much less because I asked him. It went well, but it was definitely a "just friends" situation. Nothing too fancy. But I had a really good time.
I stayed up and watched a couple episodes of Grey's, and read a few chapters of my book. (which I finished today)
So I didn't go to bed until around 1:30 AM. And I had to wake up and be ready and at the stake center for the temple dedication by 7:45AM. So not much sleeping going on last night. After that, I finished season 8 of Grey's (OH MY FREAKING HECK), I finished the book I was reading last night, and then I took a four hour nap. When I woke up, my mom and I took dinner to my favorite young women's leaders family, since she just had a baby (approx. one week ago) and she is just the cutest little thing in the world. I just love her. Oh my gosh. (I've been getting a tiny bit baby hungry lately, and I really shouldn't be.)
So, overall, a really good, and really busy week. Man, oh man.

Monday, September 17, 2012

"All I really need is to Breathe"

I've been listening to a lot of He is We lately. And it's actually a little depressing (The new stuff that I guess is really just old demos. Plus the new EP), but so beautiful. So... I guess it all evens out.
I want some motion. I want to love someone. Not in the, "You're my family, I love you." or "You're my best friend, I love you." ways. I want to love a boy. I want to be one of those girls. I guess I always have been, but I've been really good at hiding it. I pretended like it was okay. I pretended like it wasn't a big deal. But inside, I'm hopeless. I'm romantic. I've been longing to love.
It's hard. To find someone that fits. Someone that understands you exactly, the first time. Someone that you feel so comfortable around that you can act like a total dork. It's hard. And it doesn't help that I've read countless books that either raise my hopes WAY too high, or make me hate all of men-kind and make it hard to think that I could trust one of them with my heart. Boys are complicated. And scary in a not-so-scary way. Scary because they are unknown (to me). All the guys I've ever gotten close to... well... they're gay. So. It's kind of different.
Lately, "love" has been on my mind more than anything else. And I'm getting sick of it being only on my mind, and not in my reality. But... it's kind of my fault. In a way.
I feel awkward. I feel insecure. I feel confident. I feel too "straightforward". I feel like people are too intimidated by me. I feel like it'll never happen sometimes. But at other times, I'm so full of hope that I can't believe nothing has happened yet. My emotions that I keep locked away inside of me are contradictory. I don't know how to make sense of them.
This whole post probably makes little sense. But it's fitting. Because I can barely make sense of my own thoughts. All the ones that I can't bear to share with you. I don't understand them a lot of the time. I don't know how to arrange them in a way that's logical.
I guess all I really need... is to BREATHE. That's the advice I gave my best friend today before he went on his first date with a guy. He was so super nervous. I told him to breathe and that everything would be okay. Really. It would all work out. But once the focus was no longer on their date, it turned back to me. And my dealings with boys (that really don't even exist). And how we could finangle (not a real word) this guy into a date. Not that it's too much of a stretch, but, you know. He finally responded to a facebook message suggesting that he ask me on a date with "I'll think about it". Those four words are almost as hard to hear as a flat out "No." It means I have to wait more, wait longer. It also means that I have a foot in the door. It means that he's thinking about me. It means possibility.
I need distractions. That was my best friend's advice to me (the one I told to breathe). I don't know how to distract myself from this. It's hard. I obsess. I worry. I make myself crazy. It's just what I do. I like to know all the facts. I like to know things I didn't know before. Why do you think I've known almost every detail of the female (and male for that matter) reproductive system since fifth grade? The second I learned the tiniest thing about this mysterious "period" that happens every month, I had to know ALL of it.
Well, I think this post has pretty much come full circle (in my head, at least). So, I hope you didn't fall asleep.

Reille K.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Minnesota Recap!

I know, I know. It's been a while since I got back from Minnesota. But, I have pictures! I really have like 300+ pictures, so I've chosen a few of my favorites from each "event". The formatting might be weird, but you can just deal with it. That week was just what I needed, at just the right time. As stupid as this sounds, it really helped me grow up. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the pictures, even though they aren't as good as experiencing it for yourself!
Mt. Rushmore, it was smaller than you would think, but still AMAZING.
South Dakota Sunset. Absolutely beautiful.
This is Nickelodean Universe. It's a theme park INSIDE the Mall of America. 
Polar Bear! Proof that their tongues are BLUE. And definitely a highlight of the zoo. 

Oh, Sparky the seal. He was so cute! 
This is also in the Mall of America. It's a minotaur made out of LEGO'S! 

Gorgeous little Bonzai tree from Como Zoo.
Ahhh, delicious pizza from Pizzeria Lola's. Prosciutto. Is. Yummy.

Minnehaha Falls. It was beautiful. 
Sculpture Garden. It was fantastic. This is super famous! :)

This is where Joey spends most of his time. He's an odd cat. :)
Minneapolis (..or St. Paul) skyline. Legit city! 

Butterfly House at the State Fair! It was so great! 
Butterfly House. I loved it! This guy was especially pretty. 

Buffalo Wild Wings, of course. Delicious as always. 
St. Paul, Minnesota Temple. It was SO SMALL. Which was weird for me. 

Gelato. One of them is GOLDFISH flavored. It really tasted like it! 
It's like Denny's/Village Inn, but SO much better! And Utah is the only place that doesn't have them!!! Dumb. So tasty. 

Sideways stoplights in Nebraska. North Platte, to be exact. Don't go there, not even McDonald's is worth it. 
As much fun as it was, it was good to get home to this beaut. Ahh, real mountains! I missed them dearly. 
P.S. Nebraska is my least favorite state of them all. I've now officially been to Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota... and I guess Wyoming, but I've been there before this trip. Woohoo!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

You Make Me Feel Like Daaancin'!

That was stuck in my head for the last two hours of work tonight. Thanks, Michele.

So... there is this guy that I'm interested in, and my friend has been encouraging me to "get on that" (his words, not mine). But, I don't know, I feel like anything I say to him will be completely awkward and I just... feel like a super dork every time he's around. Now that I've voiced my... desire, for lack of a better word, I feel like there are strings attached. I can't just be normal anymore, because I want something that isn't normal for me. I may seem like I can talk to people and I'm fine, which I can in most cases... but males that are my age... they get me every time. (Unless of course it's one of my two besties with testes. But somehow it was always different with them.)

I don't know... I just feel like this guy is different. I actually have a really weird history with him. We were in the same Kindergarten class, and then he disappeared off the face of the earth only to show up again 12 years later. And I vividly remember having a crush on him then too! It feels almost... surreal how this has all worked out. I feel like I have had a few opportunities to be more than just work acquaintances, as in friends, and every time I just clam up and revert back to my awkward phase when I couldn't even look at guys when I talked to them. I mean, I'm sure no one else notices this or thinks that at all, but on the inside, I just feel like I'm going to die. Don't get me wrong, at this point I feel like it's more of an overly extreme excitement. But... it's killer.

I just don't want to end up like 25 and still unmarried. Immortalizing those that I once thought the world of as demons made of strokes and serifs. I don't think I would be able to handle that at all.

Basically, I've just been loathing my awkwardness lately. And I just want it to go away. And I just want to be the girl I am in all my daydreams. I'm sorry One Direction, but tonight, I'm one of THOSE girls. And tonight, I'll be falling asleep, alone with my thoughts and dreams of not being alone anymore. I look forward to that day more than anything else.

P.S. We got the footie pajamas in at work, and they have SHARK ones! I MUST get some. They would be incredibly hot, but I don't care. I love them already. And I can justify spending $24.99 on them. I really can't... But I want to.