Sunday, October 28, 2012


So, I have this ring that I got this past summer at the Payson Scottish Festival (which will forever be a tradition now, just sayin'). 

There it is! It cost me a whole... $15, I think. And I wear it EVERY. DAY.

See that symbol right in the middle there? I don't think you can miss it. The symbol is pretty much the whole ring. ANYWAY. I've actually had a lot of people ask me what it means. And I honestly had NO CLUE. I think the only suggestion of it's meaning that I remember is the symbol for wind. All this got me thinking... If I'm wearing this symbol around all day erryday, I should probably be sure it's not some crazy celtic fertility symbol, right? So I looked it up. I just googled "Celtic Symbol Meanings" and found a page with pictures and meanings of a whole bunch. At first, I only saw my symbol as the bullet point for the list. But then on another page of that website, I FOUND IT!!! 

My symbol is called a Triple Spiral (how fitting, right?), and it represents the drawing of the three powers of maiden, mother, and crone. It is a sign of female power and especially power through transition and growth. 

My first thought: Wow, cool. Then I was like, what the heck does 'crone' mean?

Crone: A withered, witchlike old woman. 

So, really, this ring is magical. 

Because, I got it JUST after I had started working at Target. (transition and growth)
And right around the time that I started having issues with Chelsea. (transition and [eventual] growth)
And right around the time that I began getting over my limbo after high school stage. (transition and growth)
And I started really growing up at that point too. (transition and growth)

And guess what? After all that transition and growth, I feel like I came out on top and better than ever. Female power! I mean, I'm not saying that this is ALL because of a symbol on my ring. NO. I had plenty of Heavenly help, and I know it. But, I think my subconscious somehow KNEW about the ring. And even though I had no clue, it was giving me a little added strength to see that there every day. My angels were there with me through it all, and I'm POSITIVE they knew what the symbol meant. Especially because I bought it on a day that was spent celebrating my heritage and my culture as a Scot. 

I feel like most of that is just a crazy little ramble and doesn't make much sense, but you get the picture. 

I made changes in my life. And I took charge of it. And I took charge of my relationships. I stopped being "the victim" and got over my fears. My fears of growing up, of changing, of losing people I love. I had POWER through this TRANSITION. And I had GROWTH. Lots of it. 

I guess, it was just really cool that it all happened to start when I bought this ring. And that the symbolism behind the ring is so fitting to my life and what was going on in it at that time. 

Like I said, MAGIC. 

       Reille K. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Manta Rays, Witches, Polar Bears, and Trees.

These. These are my kind of love songs. Don't get me wrong, I love a good love song as much as the next person. But these ones are quirky and great. And I've had them on repeat for the past few weeks. Take a look and you should give them a listen too. And fall in love with Ludo. Because they are great. Some songs can get a little creepy and you should definitely not listen to them as you're falling asleep. Some of their songs are quite upsetting to wake up to in the middle of the night. And might subliminally give you nightmares. But their love songs? 


Manta rays above us 
In the open sea 
I wonder if you think of me. 

Now we're swimming deeper 
Nothing's as it seems 
Creatures sailing silently. 

Or so I've dreamed 
Since I met you 
I've been hollowed by your body 
I've been hypnotized by all you are 

Oh, all I want 
Is to know your name 
and whisper it in your ear, 
But I'm weightless like I'm falling on the moon. 
I'm falling slow for you... 

Driving through the darkness 
We are glowing green 
You're holding my hand to your cheek. 

This car is our vessel 
Our tires leave the ground 
Up above the night sky, we're going home. 

Or so I've dreamed 
Since I met you 
What secrets do you hide? 
You tilt your head, there's a city inside. 

All I want 
Is to know your name 
And whisper it in your ear 
With your arms around my neck. 
You've haunted me in colors 
I've never seen 
I feel strange and unprotected, 
But I'm weightless like I'm falling on the moon. 
I'm falling slow for you... 

Sailing through the dark to the lunar face 
Your pupils shining over time and space 
We are two creatures each wrapped around 
The other without a sound, 
Safe at home, 
Falling slowly. 

All I want
Is to know your name
And whisper it in your ear
With your arms around my neck.
You've haunted me in colors
I've never seen
I feel strange and unprotected, 
But I'm weightless like I'm falling on the moon. 

Manta Rays - Ludo

My ancestors planted some sequoias by a road 
I've driven down that road since I was born 
Oh, never have you ever seen so many perfect evergreens 
But I would chop them all down just for you 

I have walked a million miles in a hundred pairs of shoes 
In search of some universal truth 
Well a deity just came to me and handed me a scroll to read 
And I will gladly pass it on to you. 

Anything for you 
All of this is true 
But the best story that I could ever tell 
Is the one where I am growing old with you. 

I was having rotten luck and nothing went my way 
'Til I stumbled on a clearing in the woods. 
I found a town of leprechauns and grabbed each one for wishing on 
But I would let them all go just for you. 

I have crossed a natural plane and communed with the dead 
But people always seem to want some proof. 
No one even would believe, my love, that evil I got pictures of 
But I would throw them all out just for you. 

Anything for you 
All of this is true 

But the best story that I could ever tell 
Is the one where I am growing old with you 

My scar is from a polar bear, my curse is from a witch, 
I've caught a giant squid in all the seven seas. 
I've picked up rocks from distant moons astronomers will discover soon 
But I would give them all back just for you. 

I've gotten drunk and shot the breeze with kings of far off lands 
They showed me wealth as far as I could see. 
But their kingdoms seemed all shrivelly and they cried with jealousy 
When I leaned in and told them about you. 

I'd give up anything 
(Anything for you) 
I'd give it all 
(All of this is true) 
But the best story that I could ever tell 
Is the one where I am growing old with you. 

All I've ever wanted, see, was to tell you honestly 
I'd do anything for you. 
I'd do absolutely anything for you.

Anything for You - Ludo


I finally went and saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower. FINALLY. I've been waiting for this for a year, guys. How the heck did I even know about it, you ask? Four words. I love Logan Lerman. Love him. So, I was imdb-ing him in yearbook last fall and I noticed this new movie he was working on. I continued to research it, and I fell in love. Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, other humans that are pretty great but of less note, and a great story! What could be better?!

The movie: It was a perfect balance of artsy and mainstream entertainment. I read the book first, by the way. Which is also really good also, very worth the read, and it's really short (really short in my brain is like, less than 250 pages. Is that normal? Maybe), I believe it's approximately 211 pages. The overall message fits perfectly with my life right now (mostly) too. The back cover of the book says this: "Standing on the fringes of life... offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor." Great, right? I've really been trying to get out there a little more, instead of having all the same, really great, people that have been in my life for a long long time and never having any variety or meeting new people. So, yay for personal connections to literature and entertainment!

Since the author of the book, Stephen Chbosky, also wrote the screenplay. And directed the movie. And produced the movie. There were no huge discrepancies akin to some in say... Harry Potter. It was very well adapted from pages to screen. Fantastic.

I highly recommend it. GO. SEE. IT. As soon as you can, really. And for now, I'll leave you with a few favorite quotes from the book.

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve." (p. 24)

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." (p. 39) -- These moments are seriously the BEST. Go experience one.

"I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. But right now I'm here with you. And I want to know where you are, what you need, and what you want to do." (p. 202) --This quote. Is the best. I really really really love it for some reason. It plucks at the guitar strings that is my life. Ew, cheesy.

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." (p. 211)

       Reille K.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Little things.

Here are just a few little things about myself that I've recently noticed I thought I'd share. 

  • When I look down at my hair, I still have times when I'm surprised to see the blonde chunk. Even though I've had it for almost three years (next month!). 
  • Every time I log in to blogger, I'm surprised to see that people have been reading my blog. It's something I want to happen, but it still gets me. I'm still getting used to knowing that people want to read my little ramblings and hear about what's happening in my crazy brain. 
  • I don't know where this one came from, but I've been saying things along the lines of "my life is so hard" "my life sucks" blah blah blah. But I catch myself and correct it to, "I actually really love my life right now" or "What am I saying? My life is really good!" because THAT'S the truth. I'm really happy with where I'm at in life. I never would have expected to be here, with the people that are in my life, with the mindset that I have. But I LOVE it. So, if you're present when I say that, and I DON'T correct myself out loud, please make sure I do it. :)
  • I never realized how open I've become. I used to protect all my thoughts and secrets like they were little gems to be hoarded and tucked away, saved for later. Somewhere along the way, I opened the door and threw the key away. I'm not hating being more open. I like this new me. I like getting advice from a lot of various sources and seeing what others might do in the same situation. 
  • I'm trying to get out there more, and be brave. Make things happen. I'll be honest, up until this point, I've actually been kind of shy. Most people don't think so, because if someone else takes the first step, and takes control of the situation, I'm fine. I'm normal. But, initiating everything? That's really hard for me. But I'm doin' it! I have really enjoyed the process of hanging out with people other than my bestie. I like that it's a completely different experience. I've always loved getting to know people, and I've been doing a lot of that lately. 

     Reille K. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It's been a while since I wrote a post about my bestie... :)

Just a few things...

First: I know you don't care but, I haven't showered for five days. I didn't think it was that bad until I really thought about how long it had been. Don't be mistaken though, I've taken many a BATH since then. But baths are for relaxing and reading. Not for getting clean. And I feel like a nasty, greasy, ball of disgusting. In fact, the second I'm done with this post, I'm taking a shower. Eesh. 

Second: My bestie comes home from New York City TOMORROW. And I can't even express to you how excited I am. Clayton is probably the first person outside my family that I feel like I can tell anything to and do anything with and we'll still be forever friends. And yes, this is probably going to end up being one of those "my best friend is better than your best friend" type of things. But really, he is THE BEST. We can communicate without even using real words, complete sentences. This kid is going to be my Man of Honor at my wedding. And it'll be fantastic. Even when he moved away for a few months this summer, and we didn't talk very much, when we finally DID it was like he had never left. 

Don't get me wrong, I know EXACTLY what you're thinking. "They're going to end up married" "They're both secretly in love with each other" blah blah blah. But, that's where you're wrong. Clayton and I have been very honest with each other over the past three years. And I know that since you haven't been there for those conversations, you have no clue. But it just gets a little exhausting after a while. It gets exhausting when you ask someone from high school on a date and they talk about how Clayton and I will end up married while he's on his mission. And I get it, I do. We're extremely close. It's the first thing people think is logical. But, it's not the case with us. Something that Clayton told me (yelled at me really, because it was in the middle of a fight where we weren't necessarily mad at each other as someone else... long story) "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you". Truer words have never been spoken. And those words really put a lot of things into perspective for me too. That's our relationship. 

I didn't intend for this post to take that turn... but it did. So, there you are! 

Anyway, I'm really excited to see Clayton on Saturday. We're going to see Perks of being a Wallflower. And we're going to Red Robin (it's our new crawl, since we befriended our waiter, Tyler, last time. It's kinda what we do). And I have been waiting to see Perks since... wait for it... LAST SEPTEMBER. As in, September 2011. That's right. I hadn't read the book or anything, but I noticed that Logan Lerman (who I LOVE) was in production for this new movie, with Emma Watson (who I also LOVE). And I read the synopsis and fell in love immediately. I held off on reading the book until the end of August, because I knew it would make me crazy until I saw the movie. I was right. Anyway. I'll do a review of the movie after I go see it! And it'll be grand and good. 

I had a few other things to talk about, but every time I touch my hair (which is a lot) I'm reminded of how disgusting I am. I'd just like to point out that I have a new tab up top with my bucket list. Feel free to peruse, and if you'd like to help me out with any, let me know! Happy Tuesday everyone! 

    Reille K. 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Package Deal and Temple Adventures

Yesterday, I went on an adventure with my package deal! I'm almost positive that I've explained the package deal to you before... so... I won't explain again. Danielle and I have been meaning to go to the Temple and do baptisms for FOREVER and a day. Like, we've been trying to do it for a few months and it just hasn't happened. And we finally got around to it! (I know, it's awful that it took us forever to get to the temple. I KNOW.) 

As great as baptisms are, just on their own, Danielle and I wanted a change, or rather, an ADVENTURE. So we went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple instead of the usual Timpanogos. Well, we didn't think to get directions there. So, naturally we just drove on the freeway until we thought we were in the right city and just drove towards the temple. Luckily, this temple is literally set on a hill above the city and it wasn't too difficult. 

It was nice to go to a temple that wasn't busy. AT ALL. We literally didn't have to wait for anything (oh pause, we had to wait for about three minutes to do confirmations, but in comparison, it was nothing), and they thanked us for coming A LOT. Which caught me by surprise. I mean, they always thank you for coming, but I'm pretty sure every single person thanked us, some more than once. And there was a lot of hand shaking that I had never experienced before. It was just... it was amazing. One of the BEST temple experiences I've had. Also, they give you SOCKS to wear! Maybe it's just been that long since I've gone and everywhere does it, or they are the only ones, but Danielle and I were really excited about them. They were the no-slip grip kinds too! 

We finished in record time. As in, with the drive, getting lost a little bit, and the actual time spent in the temple, it still took less time than going to Timpanogos. And then we saw super gorgeous, craftsman style homes when we were in the parking lot and we went to find them. Basically, we are moving there someday, even though we're sure that they are EXPENSIVE. I also ended up going to the bathroom in the model home/ office place. HA! It was GORGEOUS inside. Like, insanely so. And I'm sure the guy was really disappointed that that's all I wanted. Sorry! Then Danielle discovered Fish Hook Road, which we obviously had to take a picture by. 

It was really windy too, by the way. :)

We decided that we were going to go to City Creek Mall, too. Since I had never been (I did A LOT of new things this weekend), and it was a BLAST. We went to Temple Square too, since we were there. Always a pleasure. We had crazy makeup put on us at Sephora (it was great since neither of us brought makeup to the temple), and we got matching bows at Forever 21 (which were $1.92 with tax, which I guessed a penny off! I also got a really cute necklace and a slouchy beanie for winter! Yay!) and ate delicious Asian food. We compared the prices of clothes between Anthropologie (really expensive) and Forever 21 (not even CLOSE to expensive, really) and we both pined and lusted after big, comfy sweaters and neither of us ended up buying any. We couldn't find our way back to the freeway and just generally got lost a lot. It was a FANTASTIC day spent with my package deal. And I absolutely loved it. 

Friday night went well, for those of you who care (and even knew about it). Princess Bride was a good movie, I enjoyed it. But I think the highlight was playing the Logo Game (which is really fun guys, even if it makes me crazy because I love it when I actually know the answers). I gained two new friends, and spent time with an older new friend. And I had a thoroughly enjoyable evening. :) 

     Reille K. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I had a really good title for this post...

But I've completely forgotten it since I thought of it a few hours ago. *stank face* I hate it when that happens. I sometimes feel like I should CONSTANTLY be writing down the thoughts in my head to keep track of them for my next blog post. You're probably thinking, "But, you post so often now, how could you forget anything?!" It happens people, okay? ;)

So, remember that letter I sent off on Tuesday? I'm pretty sure it's gotten to the human. It has to have. Either today or tomorrow. And I realized how AWFUL my timing is. I sent it the day before her sister got married. I sometimes hate myself for a few minutes when I think of that letter... but then I remember that I'm better off this way. Anyway, I'm just gettin' a little antsy to see how/if/when she could possibly maybe respond. 

I'm super excited for tomorrow. I'm hanging out with a few people from work, and we're watching The Princess Bride... which I've never seen. I KNOW, it's a travesty. I've heard that about a million times. I get it. Okay? But, I'm fixing it! Tomorrow! I'll probably be a super NERD (did you know that Dr. Seuss invented that word? Did you know about how much I LOVE Dr. Seuss?) and be Instagramming the whole night. Because I'm just that kind of person. We'll see how it goes though. 

My BFF, Clayton, is leaving for New York in 48 minutes. It's only a week, but I'll miss him while he's gone. Let's be real, he's the only person I hang out with (except now I'm hanging out with my work friends!). I just don't want to get lonely while he's in the Big Apple, like I did when he lived in Logan for two and a half months. I hated those two and a half months. A lot. **Disclaimer** Guys, stop it. Clayton and I are NOT dating, nor will we EVER. So quit it. I know what you're thinking. We've already decided that he's my Man of Honor. 

I've felt really scatterbrained this week. It was a rough time at work, a rough time at home, a rough time in my brain. I don't know what my deal has been. And today, I got really frustrated with it, and may have been a little (a lot) less pleasant than was called for. I hate it when I get like that. So, my apologies. It's just been a ROUGH week. (I overused "rough" in this paragraph, I'm too lazy to bring up another tab with right now) 

I'm going to the temple on Saturday with my package deal human! We have always kind of been a package deal. Ward stuff? Danielle and Reille are always together. Always. Don't even THINK about splitting us up. Astronaut? Ha! Sometimes we even have the same brain. The seminary teacher who came to our stake's graduation? He was mentioning some of the kids he'd had as students, and he talked about Danielle and I like a package deal, even though we didn't have him at the same time. THAT was really great. Anyway, I'm super excited for Saturday. It's been MUCH too long since I've gone to the temple. And I feel like it has come at the perfect time that Danielle and I FINALLY have a solid plan to go. We've been trying to do this since... July? Only two and a half months later... :D Eeeeeee! 

I guess that's the mostness of what I wanted to say... But here's a picture/quote that I feel summarizes my whole state of mind this week. 

I NEVER would have imagined myself where I am a year ago. I never could have imagined the that people I have in my life now, and the people who are no longer there would be the ones that they are. It's been quite the year. 

          Reille K.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Music expresses what words cannot sometimes...

I just have two songs that I'm really connecting with right now. 
             *They pertain to two different people. 

This guy pertains to the recipient of that letter I told you about.

This one... I don't really want to mention who it's about... But I think you can guess! I'm going back on what I said (slightly) about not being able to talk about boys on here anymore. Well, this is as good as it'll get for now! 

Plus, these are both really good songs. 

I'm actually really hipster about He is We.

I saw them live when they were still un-famous and I'm really proud of that.

She helped me decide which of their band shirts I was going to buy.

And wished me a happy birthday, because I saw her on my 16th.

So technically, He is We played for my Sweet Sixteen.


            Reille K. 

It's on the brain...

Yesterday, I mailed a letter. A very important letter, full of feelings, apologies, and freedom. I began the letter not really expecting to send it off, but I made myself do it. She deserved an explanation. I deserved to tell her how I really felt after all this time. And I think she needs to know. I won't say WHO this letter is to, but I think A LOT of you humans that are reading this (maybe?) might be able to use your incredible brainpower to figure it out (if it really means that much to you). If I get a lot of comments asking who it is, then I guess I could tell you. But I feel like the name would make it so much more personal. Not that this isn't personal as it is. But hey, it's super vague and y'all (yes, y'all) probably hate me a little.

If you're like me, you hate it when you don't have all the details and you just want to know exactly what people are talking about. I mean, if it's worth talking about, you should FOR REALS talk about it, right? But, in this instance, I feel like it would be a little of an attack on this person. Even though I super duper, higher than high-ly doubt that she'll ever even see my little blog I have here. I still have a tiny shred of loyalty to her, and I just can't. I mean, I'll forever keep any secrets she told me (not that I can even think of any right now), and she'll always have been one of my best friends, but I just couldn't bear to keep her around. And I feel AWFUL. Not that I did it. Not that it happened. Just, about the situation. Because up until this point, I've always been on the other side of this.

Which... I just realized. I've never been on this side of BFF Breakup! Oh man... awkward! That makes me hate myself a little bit. Which, I'll be honest, I don't think I'll ever not feel bad about how this all ended up. I'll be honest again, and tell you that I have never been happier since I accepted that I was no longer going to consider this person a friend, and that I was GOING to move on with my life.

I really feel like I've put my past behind me, with this letter. I hate that I feel like I might make her cry. I hate that it will probably hurt her feelings. I hate that. I hate what it will do to her. But I LOVE what it did for me. She will finally know all the things I was always scared to say, because I knew that if I did, I could very well lose her. In the end, I just did what was best for ME. Something I have had a hard time doing in the past. Like I've said before, I had an irrational fear of disappointing people.

But I know this is what was meant to happen. It's becoming more and more clear that there is a reason behind literally every single detail of our lives. The people we meet on a day to day basis, the things we do throughout the day, the roads and routes we drive to get to where we need to go, the things we see, the things we say. ALL OF IT. HAS. A. REASON. A purpose. A greater meaning than I think we may ever know in this life. And I am amazed at what I've been noticing. God is in the details, my friends. Look for Him.

Also, I realized that since I have decided to post all of my bloggies (hmm, maybe what I'll start calling blog posts... ew, no. I can't. Just this once...) on Facebook, I can no longer, ever talk about boys on here unless I end up getting a boyfriend (ha! With the way things have been going lately, I just have a hard time seeing that happen). Because, well, there's a 200% greater chance that they could see it. And that's super weird. And awkward. I can barely handle my own mother reading my blog (which, she really hates that I refuse to just type in my URL for her and I've made her find it herself even though I've now posted the links on facebook...) much less humans that I'm interested in, in that way. Blecgh (I SOOO wish you guys could hear how this is pronounced... maybe I'll make a video one day, it's hard to spell my personal onomatopoeia's). So... just a heads up! Not that I expect y'all (seriously, I can't help myself. I feel compelled to have to use it.) to really care about it. But... in case you do... Sorry!

Anyways, Cheers!

Reille K.
(I realize that I've forgotten to "sign off" like this in my last few posts, and I apologize. Like I've said. SCATTERBRAIN.)

Oh, stawwwp it!

Seriously, guys. I'm just... completely overwhelmed and overjoyed and just... over-allthegoodemotions. I already did this on facebook, which is where all of you are coming from (as far as I know) but I feel the need to do it here too, since... y'know, I can say more words and not feel as super lame (I know it probably isn't lame at all, but I just naturally feel like a dork at almost all times). :)

This past weekend was... intense, for lack of another, probably better, word. It was such a roller coaster in my brain and I'm still feeling the effects. I feel super scatterbrained (which, there are a few people who can definitely confirm this), and just... so accomplished (which I find weird, since I didn't really DO anything). 

I can't even begin to express how much it means to me that so many people were 1) so supportive 2) so willing to help me in my process (even though I really knew this was one that I really had to do by myself, as hard as it was) and 3) so supportive of my eventual choice! The announcement from the prophet about the mission age change has sent the greater LDS community into a blender of crazy (in a good way, definitely a good way) and I think it's made a lot of people take a closer look at their faith and where they are spiritually. I know it did that for me. It strengthened my relationship with my Heavenly Father SO MUCH. More than I even realized during the actual weekend. 

But, my point. Thank you, thank you, thank you! To everyone who decided that MY blog post's were one of the (most likely MANY to choose from) that they checked out. I didn't really expect anyone to come read them (somehow, but I posted them on facebook, which I never do, so I don't know where that train of thought came from), and I was astonished, jaw-to-the-floor, surprised at the rising number of page views I got this weekend. I mean, honestly. I've had this blog for... somewhere around two years (I think, I could EASILY be wrong) and I had barely gotten around 350 views. And now I have just shy of 600 in two DAYS. I could barely fathom that so many people were interested in what I was saying. Interested in my life. 

I'm starting to believe that I have something to say. 

I'm starting to believe that maybe my words DO make sense when I vomit them onto a page through the keyboard.

I'm starting to think I'm maybe a pretty good writer. 

I'm starting to realize just how many people like me as a human being.

I'm starting to feel more and more grateful for all that I have every day. 

I'm starting to see God's hand in my life even more.

I'm starting to feel so undeserving for how incredibly blessed I am.

I'm starting to want to blog every second of the day.

I'm starting to feel like a grown up, and it isn't scaring the living daylights out of me anymore.

I'm starting to live the life I think I was always meant to live

Sunday, October 7, 2012

As the dust settles

Alright. Let me preface this by thanking everyone for their overwhelming faith IN ME. I had a good handful of people yesterday that encouraged me to serve a mission, told me that they thought of me when the announcement was made, etc. And I feel honored that I came to so many people's minds, but here's the sitch. 

I was fine, normal even, no great promptings and personal revelations to be spoken of FOR MYSELF. Then, between the two sessions, I obviously got on facebook, and the realization of just how impactful the announcement was, and for how many people. I started thinking about the times I had pondered the idea of going on a mission, and I felt like I SHOULD be feeling the same way as my fellow young ladies of the church. I got caught up in the craziness and excitement of it all, and didn't take the time for myself to stop. Take a breather. Think for myself. I GOT CAUGHT UP IN A RIGHTEOUS MOB MENTALITY (psychology reference! Learn it, live it, love it). I didn't have an unrestricted amount of time after I wrote my last post, as I thought I should focus on getting a grip before I had to go to work at seven. So I just put it out of my mind and went on with my day. Once I got to work, and ended up zoning jewelry, meaning that I was basically alone for almost the entire five and a half hours that I was there, I let myself go back to it (ew, that's a run-on sentence... let's just pretend that didn't happen). I thought about where I was in life. What I had gone through to get to where I am. I thought about where I'm at spiritually, and what I was really feeling. I thought about how I still have six months until I'm even nineteen and how that's the MINIMUM age. 

By the end of work, I had gone in circles and not really came to a conclusion yet. Even though I didn't get home until after 12:30 AM, I pulled out my Patriarchal Blessing and got to work. Some background: I take notes on what I'm feeling and what I get out of my P. Blessing every time I read it. No matter how short/long it's been since the last time. I first read through my blessing. It was the first time I had read through with eyes looking for specific revelation, a specific answer to a specific question. I saw a few things on the first page that COULD indicate a mission, but I saw those through academic eyes, not spiritual ones. I got to the second page. My favorite part, ever since the night I heard it. It talks about my future husband and family. I've always been insanely excited to finally meet the man that it talks about. I finished reading, and then moved on to the notes I've made over time. Reading through them, I had a little baby inkling that I was getting closer to my answer. And last of all, after I had pondered the question and come to the answer I thought was right for me, I knelt in prayer and took it up with my Heavenly Father. And I was surprised by what happened. I prayed first about going on a mission, and I didn't really feel the Spirit, but I felt peaceful. I felt the need to pray about the second page of my P. Blessing though. And the second I finished that specific question, I felt an overwhelming outpouring of the Spirit. I got my answer. 

For now, I'm not going to PLAN on going on a mission. I'm not ruling it out, I'll still hear people out if they want to talk to me about it. And there's no doubt that it would be an amazing experience, and it would definitely make me a better person, disciple, and eventual mother. But, I don't feel like it's exactly my cup of hot chocolate right now. It could be eventually, but I wasn't planning on going on a mission before the announcement. I wasn't planning on getting married before that age either. I don't think that the simple issue of a minimum age should be THE THING that changes my mind. It's not about the age, it's about the personal circumstance. 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Upside down.

My whole world has been turned upside down. I don't even know what to think about our newest revelation in this morning's session of General Conference.

On one hand, I feel like a mission is a good idea. I mean, I went back to visit my favorite seminary teacher a few weeks ago, and he told me to read the chapter in his book (yeah, the man has written a book. What a stud, right?) especially for sisters. And I just kept putting it off and putting it off, until I finally just grabbed the book and headed for the bath tub (don't think I'm weird, but I do all my best reading in the tub... I'm not the only one and you know it). I devoured that chapter, and started feeling like it could be possible for me. I've never seriously considered it, but this week, it's been on the brain.

Let's rewind a few years to the night I got my Patriarchal Blessing (I'm not positive if that's a thing that you capitalize like a proper noun, but let's be honest, if it isn't, it should be). As those of you who have gotten yours know, the Patriarch generally chats a little bit with you when you first get there. I mean, he's wouldn't just bring you into his home, give you direct revelation from your Heavenly Father, and send you on your way if you're just some random that happens to live in his stake boundaries. And my Patriarch (Patriarch Peay, he's seriously the cutest, little old man ever) was just chattin' away and telling us some stories (his stories are the best, and he tells them ALL the time) and in the middle of his story, he turned to me and asked if I was going on a mission. Well, I was sixteen and it had never even crossed my mind. I could barely fathom graduating high school, much less think about what I would be doing when I was 21.

And over the years, I've had a few instances where a seminary teacher or... okay, mostly just seminary teachers, would mention something in class that would pique my attention and get me thinking about it for a little bit, but eventually it would just get crowded out with all the math, science, and stupidity of most of the subjects I took in high school (that I KNOW for sure, that I will never use. Calculus? Never. Psychologists don't need no math [or grammar, apparently ;) double negative...]).

And I'll be honest. Completely honest. Going on a mission? It FREAKS ME OUT. More than anything else. Possibly even more than spiders. Which I could encounter huge, scary, flesh eating spiders on my mission if I were to go somewhere outside the U.S. When I've thought about it after high school (so like, the past few months... ) it just sends me into a panic and I push the thought away so I don't hyperventilate and die (not that I associate going on a mission with death, even though it kind of sounds that way a little...).

I have an irrational fear of failure. And disappointing people. I can't do it. That's why I secluded myself all the time through Jr. High and High School when my family was just sitting around talking. I went down to my room and struggled through my math homework (math was obviously my worst subject, I feel like I've said it a lot in this post) or read those chapters for english, or did my chemistry homework. I COULD NOT get a low grade. The first time I failed a test in AP U.S. History, I cried. Literally cried. I lost it (granted, I was a sophomore then, and since I've found better, more healthy ways to cope with things). This goes hand in hand with the fear of disappointment. I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in my grades or ANYTHING. That's why I was such a goody two-shoes in High School. I mean, I still went out and had fun, but I kept away from hanging out with a few people because I knew my parents wouldn't approve, or at least, that's what I thought. I've given myself some room now, because somewhere along the way, I realized how unhealthy I was being about them. It could have even been in Psychology when we talked about fears and mental health and such.

Anyway, back to the mission thing. I think I'm just so scared to fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I'm scared to miss my family and my friends too much. I'm scared that I won't be enough. I'm scared that I won't make a difference. I'm scared that I'm too shy when it comes to sharing my testimony. I'm scared that my relationship with Heavenly Father isn't strong enough. I'm just plain scared.

This announcement from the prophet this morning has just sent me into crazy mode. I feel like it would be good. I feel like I COULD do some good. But, then I think back to those thoughts in the paragraph above. It just... it scares me. A lot. I KNOW it would be good for me. I KNOW that I would be great. I KNOW everything would work out and be absolutely amazing. It's just the getting there and making myself do something that I have almost no knowledge about really.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

30 Day Challenge

It's happening. I'm reading the Book of Mormon in 30 DAYS. It's tough, I'll tell ya that. But, oh my goodness, it is VERY worth it. Already in the past... since yesterday morning, I'm understanding more and making connections on my own. It's like a crash seminary course, all by yourself (when I say 'all by yourself', I mean, no seminary teacher there feeding you the answers or even there to give you any answers, y'know?)
Honestly, I've only had one or two periods where I actually read the scriptures EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So I think that could be why I feel so darn lazy when I had to read 10 whole chapters yesterday. But, I really feel like this is what I should be doing. This is a good way to kick start the habit, as well as cement it into my daily life. If you do something for fifteen to thirty days in a row, it becomes a habit (apparently). I'm so excited to see who I am after this experience. Hopefully, I'm WAY closer to who I'm meant to be than who I am right now. Not that I'm a bad person or anything (at least, I don't think I'm a bad person) I just have a lot of things that I REALLY needed to work on. Really. Two of them being: {1} Prayer and {2} Reading my scriptures. And ironically, those two things help A LOT with the third thing I really needed to be done with (sorry, it's not really blog appropriate, kinda personal, and I'd really rather not). Those two things give me a strength that I don't know I've ever quite felt before. I've never been much of a pray-er, which I HATE to admit. And it's something I've been struggling with... all my adolescent life. It's not like I don't WANT to pray, I just sometimes (most times) have no clue what to say and I feel silly because a lot of the time, my problems sound so stupid when I whisper them aloud. I know that it's dumb to feel this way too, and I know that God really wants to hear about them and help me. But still. I'm workin' on it. :) 

On to my actual process with the 30 day challenge. 

I start with a prayer. Always. It helps bring the Spirit and I feel it gives me the extra push (probably since I always pray for the motivation to keep this going for the full thirty days). I try to pick out any 'lists' or meanings of the parables/visions and write them in a notebook I keep next to me. Which, I think is very important. KEEP A WRITING UTENSIL AND PAPER OF SOME SORT OPEN AND READY TO WRITE THINGS DOWN. It shows that you're ready to record when inspiration hits. When I kept up that regimen in seminary and actually took notes, I got SO much more out of the lessons than I did when I slacked off and studied for my AP Psych test/did math homework/mythology homework/anything else really. I write down things that I find important to the story line of the scriptures, (yes, there's a story line, I always knew it was there, but now I'm ACTUALLY seeing it for myself). And at the very end, I write down "A QUESTION FOR THE HEAVENS". Which, is a question that, after having read that particular section, I want to ask one of the people involved when I meet them in heaven, whether it relates directly to what happened, or how they felt about something, or why it was them in particular, or what. It helps me to think more deeply about what's happening and relate better. I want to understand, which is a bog part of this whole thing. UNDERSTANDING THE SCRIPTURES. I don't think anyone really treats the scriptures as {books} necessarily. I mean, obviously they are BOOKS. But we would never read them like we read other pieces of literature (i.e. Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, ... Twilight, etc.) And I'm really loving this way of reading them. More like a BOOK. Even if there are times when I zone out a little bit because each section feels so long, or whatever, I'm still getting so much more out of it.