Friday, October 24, 2014

feels. i don't want to come out and play.

It may seem like I don't care, like I have no feelings, but, I do. I have a lot of feelings, too much, in fact. Enough that if I let myself feel all my feelings to their full extent, I would not be a functioning member of society. But late at night, sometimes those walls come down. Sometimes, I let the feelings come out to play.

Because late at night, I let myself feel the things that I don't let myself feel at any other time of the day. For fear that they will take over. That they will take me hostage, and accept no ransom. 

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to stop. I've never hated someone because I liked them so much. Hated them because I can't hate them. And not the kind of hate where you can't stand to be around them and you wish bad things on them. No. The kind of hate where you would rather not be around them if you had the choice. The kind of hate where you don't crave their presence at any given moment. Because any moment with them present is ten times better. I hate that you make my heart smile, even when it's broken. I hate that a lot. Because I think that's the hardest part. I still care about you, and it hurts. 

How do I make those feelings stop? I don't think that's something you can drown in watermelon slices or starburst. I feel like I can control it when I don't see them. But that's just it, I WANT to see them. I WANT them to stay part of my life despite everything. I try to joke, I try to make light, but the feels. They won't stay on the edge of the light like they are supposed to, slowly receding further and further back into the darkness, day by day. No, they stay sitting there, right on the edge. Right where I can still reach out and touch them if I wanted to. Right where they can jump into the light in the worst moment possible. And you want to just grab a sword and chop them up because you're so angry that they keep doing that. 

It's not an easy feat, to feel everything so deeply. To get stuck in feelings that you wish you wouldn't get stuck in. Because the ones that you would rather not have are the hardest ones to swim to the edge of, to hoist yourself over the side of the pool and dry off from with a towel. And the ones that you want to sit there and bask in forever with the rain pitter  pattering on your upturned, smiling face, are the ones that flee away in a moment. As likely to return as it is to rain in Utah. Enough to get you by, but not nearly as much as you would like. Not enough to soothe your troubled soul. 

Go away, feelings. I don't want to come out and play. 

      Reille K. :)