Saturday, August 9, 2014

this is real life.

I started this week as a CSR, and I love my job, I really do. I love that I get to help people. And I like that I know things that most people don't (because most people don't know anything about insurance because most people don't even think about their insurance until something happens. Fair enough, bro.) call me conceited, but it's true... So I started the week as a CSR, and I ended the week as an Underwriter. They're the people who actually write the policies and decide if someone is a good risk to insure and things like that. And holy crickets, this is my life. 

I got the company-wide email a couple weeks ago that there were two positions opening up, and I considered it, but I have only been there for two months and am I even ready for that?! So I didn't do anything, and I was telling my dad that I wanted to do it, but didn't really feel ready, and there are so many other people who are probably applying, right? And after a course of events, I ended up not only applying, but getting the position. 

Dude, I'm twenty years old and getting a position at an insurance company that usually takes at least a year or more to work up to and are you guys sure you want me for this position? But they see a lot of potential. And they know that I will work hard and learn as much as I can, because I've already shown them that with my current position. And just, wow, this is my life. And it's so crazy right now. 

I am so immensely blessed that I don't even know what to do with myself half the time. Like, I don't deserve to be blessed this much. But we never really feel like we deserve to be blessed, right? It's just amazing to me how quickly life can change. And how quickly you can grow when under the right circumstances. And how quickly we can adapt to a new way of life. I feel like "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend,". And things are going to be hard, and scary, and sometimes things are going to suck. But hey, the bigger picture is pretty freaking great. And I know that things won't suck forever. And that I will get used to the scary things and they will cease to be scary. 

I feel like I have become a real life grown up, the kind I always daydreamed about being when I was younger, in a few short months. And it's a little bit crazy and weird. And a little bit, "How did this even happen? Who decided that I was ready for this? AM I even ready for this?" But I have a lot of really great people supporting me, and I know that I can turn to them whenever I need to and that they will be there for me. I really am blessed beyond words.

         Reille K. :)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

scary things.

When I have a big life change, I get the urge to write even more frequently. I get the urge in a way that it just won't be satisfied until I pour all the words out onto a page. Because, I mean, I get the urge to write ALL the time, but somehow I convince myself/I'm too lazy to actually do it. 

It's official. I'm all moved out. My bed and my clothes are now at the new pad and I slept here last night. And I hade to figure out how to work our new shower. And not feel so hot I was going to die when I was falling asleep last night. And I have to to buy food tonight. And I'm so responsible that it makes me shudder sometimes. When did that happen? Who LET it happen? I've never been so terrified and excited about anything ever, and it's a weird feeling to have. Like, this is my apartment. I'm not just doing this for a week. I'm in here for at least a year. A YEAR. I know that I'll be living in this place for the next year. And that's kind of weird. I thought that I was going to be working at Target and living at home this summer, and here I am, not working at Target and not living at home. It's amazing how quickly life can change. In such a drastic way. 

Someone said something on Sunday (this was the phrase that opened the floodgates and then I couldn't get a grip for the rest of Sacrament! Stupid beautiful boy who is so eloquent I just melt,) it was something like, "it's scary, but it feels so right" I don't know if those were his exact words. But that's the same message. And I was just floored. I hadn't been able to figure out exactly what I had been feeling and he put it into words and it was so spot on. I almost couldn't believe my ears. It's rare that I can't put my feelings into words, but I was struggling with this one. And when I wasn't even looking, someone else found the words for me. It was fantastic. 

Because it is SCARY. To move out on my own, and have to be responsible for everything and pay for power and think of things that I hadn't ever thought of before. And it's all me. I mean, I have a roommate, and my parents are still close, but... You know what I mean, right? And what if I'm not ready and what if I fail miserably and I can't do it? What then? But I'm also so excited. I have my own place and I have grown up responsibilities, and what if I succeed? What if it's the best thing that I ever do? What if I grow in ways I never would have if I didn't move out now? What if this is just the plan for me? Even though it's terrifying and hard? 

Everything is different now. And there are few things that I can find comfort in that have stayed the same. And, I'm actually really fine with that. Because those things that stayed the same are enough for me. Those things that stayed the same are the things that matter. Life is nuts, I can tell ya that. :)

          Reille K. 

how did I get here?

If you would have told me five years ago that this is where I would be, I would have laughed right in your face and thought you were a nutball. Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine being done with AP US history (my least favorite class of my entire high school experience, including Calculus)! Back then, I was convinced that I was going to work hard and get through high school and go away to college and I would instantly meet my one true love and I would have my two best friends beside me always and life would be blissful and I would be ignorant. Yes, that does happen for some people, but not for me.

I didn't go away to college. I didn't even go TO college. Which it took me a long time to get to be okay with that. I haven't met THE ONE yet. I mean, there are contenders that our amazing relationship really only exists in my head right now, but hey, I'm working on it. Guys are kind of scary for me. I still haven't completely gotten over my awkward Jr. High phase yet, I guess. At least when it comes to guys that I LIKE. I don't even TALK to my two best friends from high school. Which is fine, because none of us are the same people we were in high school and the people we became don't really mesh the same way. Life is certainly not a constant state of bliss, and I sincerely hope that I am not an ignorant swine.

What I DID do though, was figure out what MY values are, independent of my family and friends and church. I learned more about who I am, and what makes me tick. I met new people, and tried new things. I did things that scared me, and made me feel uncomfortable (in the healthy way, not the terrible way). I found people that I wouldn't trade for the world. I grew up faster and sooner than I ever thought I would. I discovered the sure way to calm my nerves. I came to love myself in a way that I never knew was possible. I had a job that I didn't really like. And I have a job that I really DO like. And I work with people that I think are fantastic. If you had told me even a year ago that this is what my life would be right now, I wouldn't have believed you.

But isn't that always the truth? No matter how much we plan for the future, and what's going to happen in said future, we never really know what's going to happen. There are so many variables and outside forces that we have no way to predict anything. We can't even predict ourselves, as we are constantly evolving. Forever malleable. 

Instead of looking at what we HAVEN'T done, look at what we HAVE done. Look at how and who the Lord blessed us with. Look at the amazing things that you did. And look at where it's taken you, somewhere you never imagined possible. Because when you look at your life, really look at it... Life can be pretty amazing. :)

     Reille K.