Sunday, March 30, 2014

when people you know become people you knew.

Disclaimer: Nothing I say in this post is in any way placing blame or anything. I am simply writing about something that I am familiar with. No more, no less.

I am, unfortunately, quite familiar with this feeling. The feeling of people you know, becoming people you knew. This feeling, he and I are old friends. He comes to visit in that moment when you look at someone that you know and realize that a familiar stranger is standing before you. Each time he comes, he's just a little bit different, but you know. You know it's him. The circumstances can be angry, bitter, and full of contention; but can just as easily be sad, lonely, and depressing. And in even more rare cases, it can be happy, relieving... FREEING. In almost all cases, it's ALL these things at one point or another, like the stages of grief.

I feel as though people talk about the leaving the person/relationship part ALL THE TIME. Whether you leave because its now unhealthy or no longer beneficial or whatever, you just gotta move on with your life and leave them behind. Or you move on and they don't come with you. You know what I'm talking about? There are probably about a thousand quotes about it on Pinterest and Tumblr. And I completely agree--if a relationship (that is not familial, mind you) becomes unhealthy and is strained and full of contention and you're just hurting each other-- by ALL means, get outta there. Buy a one way ticket outta (insert name here) town. If you have the strength, courage, and self-respect to do that, to make it happen for yourself - cheers to you! (Let me be clear, you don't have to turn into a mega-beast to make it happen. Just speak from the heart, yeah?) It is HARD to end relationships, especially when they are relationships that are long.

But, not as widely talked about is what happens after. After you have bought that one-way ticket and you're outta there. The part where you are talking and say some weird made up word that you only ever used with that person. Or you pass their favorite restaurant. Or you smell the perfume or cologne they wore. Or you spot something that would make the PERFECT Christmas/birthday present. And you remember everything. And you can just barely hear your heart break the tiniest little bit. When you miss your old friend so much, it hurts, and you can barely breathe for just a second because of it. When you make the mistake of Facebook stalking them just a little bit and you see what they are doing with their life now and it makes you more sad because you could be doing those things with them and experiencing it right along side them. And for .2 seconds, you might entertain the idea of mending the relationship. That part freaking SUCKS. And it doesn't ever go away all together. It gets better, MUCH better, but not for a loooong while, at least in my case. Because I romanticize EVERYTHING. Perks of being a creator, eh?

But then, right after you consider for those .2 seconds, you remember WHY. Why you are no longer in each others lives. And you get mad and really angry for, hopefully, just a minute and you let it wash over you and then you shake it off and get back to the, "Hey, you know what, I'm fine. I'm happy with my decision. And I've never been better and I grew so much from this experience. And this is where I'm supposed to be and the people who are supposed to be with me are here. And I love them and they are great." It's okay to remember those that you had to leave behind. What's NOT OKAY is to dwell on them. To harbor a bucket ton of anger and resentment towards them. Because it WILL spill out of that bucket and get all over everything else in your life. And it will NOT be a picnic. Let me tell ya.

Can I let you in on a secret though? Something that I more recently learned for myself? You will NEVER stop loving that person. The person that you knew. I mean, you don't love the person at this moment, but at one point, they WERE that person that you love. Because at that time, they were exactly who you needed and they helped you grow and develop and that is fantastic. And they will forever be immortalized as that person in your memory. But, people change and grow and sometimes, outgrow. It happens, because we are humans. And that's how humans roll. We are ever evolving. You just have to build a little room in your heart for those people to go live once you kick them out of your life... or gently lead them out. Whatever your style is. :)

Anyway, I need to go to BED. Like, reals bad. So, goodnight! I hope this week is better than last. :)

     Reille K.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

being vulnerable is hard.

I have had so many ideas bouncing around in my head about posts I could write and all that jazz, but every time I sit down to write anything, I come up blank. I can't really figure out what it is, because if I could, I could deal with it and get back into writing. I haven't been writing for a while... and I don't like that. I loved writing one, sometimes two, posts in a day. I loved that this was a constant part of my life. I loved that I had an outlet for all the swirling emotions.

But at one point, I'm not sure when, exactly, but I started to censor what I shared, or how I shared some things. It wasn't the way that I wanted to write. It wasn't who I am. If you know me (which, most of you do, I think) I am NOT a censored person. I have very little filter to what I say. And I have no qualms with sharing exactly what I think and how I feel. Because, I don't see any point in speaking otherwise. Sure, it can sometimes take me a minute to figure out HOW to say those things, simply because I express myself best in the written word, but it still gets out most of the time.

With the occurrence of some recent events, I realized something. Something that I think I've always known, but not consciously. I was frustrated with someone because they wouldn't ACT... towards me. And I was ready to give up on the hope that something would happen. Literally, a centimeter away, when someone reminded me that I was just as responsible for the lack of action. And they were right. I hated that they were right and that they were being logical about this and not letting their emotions cloud the situation and run the show. And thinking about what I probably had to do, I was scared. It would make me vulnerable. It would be putting my feelings for this person out there... directly to them. Since a lot of people actually know about said feelings... It's hard to MAKE yourself vulnerable to other people. Whether that be because you have put your feelings out there, or sharing testimony, or saying what you think, or talking to someone that you have never talked to before, or broaching a subject that is hard to talk about with someone you care about--it makes you vulnerable and that's scary. But, you and I, especially I, can't get frustrated with people because they can't bring themselves to be vulnerable when you aren't willing to do the same.

But, all of this reminded me of something else. About six months ago, one of my dearest childhood friends got his mission call. And I was ecstatic for him. Insider tip, I had been absolutely in love with this kid forrrrr, my whole life. Or close to it. And I had told his twin brother about it and he "subtlety" informed him about it without saying that it was me? I don't know... And, I knew that he had a serious girlfriend and she is literally the nicest, cutest girl ever. And I always tried to keep my distance, because I knew that if I didn't, I would hate myself and get super jealous and blah blah blah. I also knew that, if I never talked to this human about my feelings for him and his feelings for me, I would always wonder, "What if?" and I would hate it forever. Wondering "what if" will eat your brains out. Like, an inner zombie, if you will. Around two months after that, it came time for him to head out. I went to his farewell and spent the *majority* of my Sunday just chillin' at his house and with his family. And his twin, who I LOVE TO DEATH, and I discussed it in depth. I had to talk to him before he left. I had to do it that night. But, I chickened and it never ended up happening. Which, I think, is how it was always meant to be. Because I know, I KNOW that there will only ever be friendship between me and this kid. I've already had that confirmation. BUT, it will always be my little baby "What if?" in the back of my mind. Like, what would my life be like if I HAD talked to him about it? Would it be different? (Probably not, but you get the picture). 

Having told you all that, go back to the other more recent situation. I hated the feeling of having that ,"What if?" in the back of my mind constantly. HATED it. And I don't want this situation to turn into that. Because I don't know that I can handle more than one "what if" zombie running around up there in my noggin. I'm not sure how anyone could. So, I hope, HOPE that I can take care of this one soon. Because it's on the brink of driving up the wall. I'm getting a tiny bit crazy about it. I say, "take care of this", as if it's some infestation or something like that. It's not. I just... its complicated. And once I set my mind to do something, I'm rearing and ready to get 'er done. And my course of action has been decided since Saturday and it's now Tuesday, and I'm just so ready. I'm weird and it's endearing, okay?

Anyway, I'll leave it there. See you soon, hopefully.

     Reille K. :)