Friday, August 10, 2012

"And I'll kick her, sir."

First off, can anyone name that movie? :) Okay, back to my point...
I want to be, for once, the one someone is scared of losing. It might seem selfish, but it's true. I've spent so much energy worrying about losing the people I like, or thought I like, best in the world and I still lose them anyway. And I'm not even all too fond of the person they seem to think I am, or, more likely, the person I become when I'm around them. It's as if they have a permanent picture of who I am and what I'm like in their head, but it's who I was in like, tenth grade. It gets on my nerves a bit, I want to talk about a specific instance that this happened that has changed my life, for the better.
One night, my friend and I were talking about how our seminary graduations went (which teacher came to ours, who spoke, who was on seminary council for our stakes, etc.). When she, one of my best friends, told me that she could NEVER see me on seminary council, I knew I wasn't living right. I wasn't allowing (somehow) my spiritual side to bleed into all the facets of my life, as it should. And I get it, a little. She and I would always complain to each other about our respective responsibilities in the church, because that's what best friends are for. They are the one you go to to complain about the things that bug you. And I guess I only ever complained in front of her, and we never had any real gospel moments. Somehow, I turned into a different person inside the seminary building, and this friend obviously couldn't see that. And the fact that she couldn't see me on seminary council hurt me more than I expected it to. I never really wanted to be on seminary council, but it's not as if that was because I couldn't see myself on it. It broke my heart to hear that.
So, this summer, I've been trying to get my act together. I'm trying to be the same girl on all fronts. I'm trying to be the girl I was in seminary ALL the time. I suppose I just needed a kick in the face to get myself going; for me to realize that I had gotten pushed off course much farther than I thought somewhere along the way. I want SO badly to be the woman God intends me to be. And I don't think I'm even CLOSE right now. But that's part of why we're here, isn't it? So we can make mistakes, realize all this, and tweak ourselves until we are finally good enough to be back in His presence. {I have the biggest urge to refer to Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter right now, but I won't.} None of us are perfect yet, we all have SOMETHING to work on, big or small. And as I strive to become better, I hope that you're doing the same. There's always room for a little more good in the world.

Reille K. :)