Thursday, January 14, 2016

respond and move on.

I'm going to get really real. I have this problem where I obsess about things that I have no control over. Like, hardcore. I tend to live in the future a lot and daydream my life away. And I want specific things to happen at specific times and honestly, life just doesn't happen that way.

I will confess, I am obsessing over a boy... big surprise! I will not allow myself to text them until I am responding to their text message. That helps me to obsess just over them and not over whether I am being crazy and clingy or not. SO. That's a thing. I think that's been one of my biggest downfalls in the past, is that I just obsess over it and I overthink and I try to analyze how they are going to respond to what I'm saying if I say it THIS way over THAT way. I am also just responding with the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of how flirty or overly smart or even smart-ass-y it may sound. And that my friends, is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I just respond and move on. No censorship. No worrying about how they are going to take it. No worrying about if that will indicate to them that I like them (hi, that's the WHOLE POINT). And it is MARVELOUS. It will all work out in the end, just the way it's meant to.

One thing that I have been trying to do is to leave my phone in my room when I'm not in it. (Which, makes it so I leave my phone at home and then my best friend calls with IMPORTANT NEWS and I miss her call... but it's fine, I called her back and we freaked out together.) Because if my phone is next to me, then I am constantly checking it to see if someone has texted or called me and I somehow missed it when my phone was sitting right next to me the whole time? Or I am hopping on Instagram or Twitter or Pinterest just to see what's new since the last time I checked it like 20 minutes ago. AND I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY DOING THAT. So, I'm working on not having my phone be attached to my human at all times. And that seems to help.

Another thing that seems to be working is distracting myself with a project or a movie. I've been having a Harry Potter Marathon (RIP Alan Rickman) with my parents and sorting my pin boards at the same time and that has kept my brain mostly occupied (except when I sort quotes that are all lovey and they make me think of the thing I am trying not to obsess over). Oops.

What are things that you do to help you not obsess/worry over things that you have no control over?

all the love.
reille k. :)

Thursday, January 7, 2016

i'm trying.

I'm really trying, you guys, to have FAITH. In a very specific thing. And it's something that I have ALWAYS had a hard time having faith in.

The Lord's timing.

Because I want things to happen on MY timetable. Like, all the time. There are SO many times that I can recall that I have been so MAD that things weren't happening for me when I felt like they should. But, God had/has other things in mind for me. Other things in store. And ya know, I KNOW that He knows what He's doing. And I BELIEVE that I will get the blessings and desires of my heart WHEN it's right for me. I KNOW these things. But, its in the LIVING those knows and believes where I struggle.

For example, whenever I start talking to boys, I am NUTS. I want to have a whirlwind romance akin to one in a YA novel. I mean, I've read enough of those that I can almost always predict the ending when I'm reading it the first time. So I've inadvertently  programmed my brain to expect these things. But it doesn't happen. I don't ever have my whirlwind. I don't ever have my romance. I just have me. And Sharky (my pillowpet). And the comfort of not having to wear pants (PANTS ARE PRISON.) all the time. Then I get all caught up and I just WANT it to work out. Just once. And I try to reason with God that it wouldn't be a BAD thing for this one to work out. It's not like I can't date around a little bit. Please please please help this happen for me. But no. Because we all know that I am NOT a "dater". I will likely start dating someone and end up marrying them. Because that's just who I am as a person. And Heavenly Father knows that. But sometimes I think it's really annoying that He knows me so well. Is that totally awful of me? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

And I've tried using charts and reward systems and all kinds of things to get myself to read my scriptures every day. And none of them have ever worked. I do really well for a while and then I slowly stop making it a priority and I stop reading them altogether. And I can feel the difference. And I don't like the difference. I WANT to read them every day. But I just don't do it.

And, its not just The Men and scripture study... it's other things too. Like, losing weight. Deciding to not spend my money frivolously. Flossing regularly. And so many other things too. Heavenly Father has a plan for ME. And I just have to trust in that.

BUT, in the meantime... I'm trying this new thing where I am not expecting ANYTHING to happen. Would I LIKE certain things to happen? Duh. In a specific amount of time? For sure. But, the expectations are no longer there, so I can no longer be devastatingly disappointed when something doesn't happen. Or when I slack off and don't live up to my own expectations. I'm trying to be more loosey goosey. I'm not putting my life on hold for anyone anymore. I'm paying attention and doing things that I know are good for ME without worrying about it so much. And seeing what happens. I mean, I'm still TRYING, just letting go of the WORRYING ABOUT IT part (because ya gotta TRY). And you know... it's nice. I have a semi-obsessive personality, so it's HAAARD. But, so far, I think it's working? And you know? It's giving me more FAITH. In the LORD'S TIMING. And I like that. I want to have faith in that.

I've found myself thinking, "I wish *this* would happen... Enh! It'll happen in time." Or "I want to MAKE this happen NOW... Mm, it will happen in due time." And then subsequently thinking, "Did that just happen in my brain?" Because that is so not normal for me.

But, I'm trying. Really trying to have faith. I'm trying to put into practice all these beliefs that I have and let them help me shape my life. And I'm a firm believer in effort. So far, it's going well.

all the love.
Reille K. :)


Tuesday, January 5, 2016

because 2016.

Happy New Year! Like, 5 days ago. :)

I'm putting my goals here, because the more I talk about them, the less I have to actually do them, right? JOKES.

I'm trying something new, and I made my goals in categories this year. Because of something a beautiful man said in a lesson one Sunday. I mean, he just said it in passing, but I thought it was a GRRRRREAT idea. So, here we go!

Physical Goals:
Yoga, Water, Cardio. Lose 40 lbs. and not find it again. Eat healthy things. Floss.

Spiritual Goals:
Keep a Valid Temple Recommend. Read my scriptures and pray EVERYDAY. Be more grateful.

Mental Goals:
Read at least 2 books per month. Blog at least once a week. Write more. Declutter more. Make lists (for my forgetful brains).

Financial Goals:
Save AT LEAST $50 a paycheck. Not spend my money on things I don't ACTUALLY NEED. Take less trips to Target.


I mean, a lot of these are things that just require a tiny bit of brainpower/effort/pants wearing when I get home from work. I tried to do both MORE goals and LESS goals. Most of the LESS is in the financial category because I need to stop wasting my money on things that I find to buy at Target (mostly) that I could really exist without just fine.

And SO MANY of these things have been a goal of mine for so long and I do great for a while and then they fall by the wayside again.

Basically, I just want to be more intentional with my time and not just sit by idly while my life slips by. Which is what I naturally do. Just sit idly. And that's not going to help me progress into areas that I want to go. Like marriage. And motherhood. Because hey, that's the next big life step to take for me. I've already moved out (and back in). And I'm not going on a mission. I'm ahead of the curve here! Anyway, its late and my feet are falling asleep. So the rest of me probably should follow suit.

all the love.
Reille K. :)

we need to talk.

Hi there! I have been very absent lately. Because I felt like I didn't have anything to say, I guess. Even though I totally did. I just... didn't say it. And, you know, I've hardcore missed my little corner of the interwebs here. I used to be obsessed with it. With sharing my thoughts about anything and everything. And I was pretty good at it. But, something happened, and I still can't pinpoint it, that made me stop. That made me pause. That made me curl those thoughts right back up into my brain bag and keep them there. Instead of free flowing out through my fingers and into the world. I really want to get it back. That free-ness. It will take some time, but, I think we can make that happen.

I rediscovered my journal/quote book from my senior year of high school tonight. And WOW. The LOLs! Like, I can't even tell you how cute the things I was worried about are to me now. But, I also discovered that I was freaking SMART about so many things. And so many of the things that I wrote are still applicable to me now.

I found the journal entry that I wrote right after I confessed my big sin to the Bishop for the first time in my life. And I felt like I was on top of the world. It was Easter of 2012 and I was there for my Seminary Graduation interview. You know, I'm seeing a pattern here. I think that Heavenly Father allows me to have other reasons to be in interviews or meetings and then nudges me to say what I need to say. I was miserable in my calling and during this last tithing settlement, it all came spilling out of my eyes and my mouth when my bishop was just making small talk. I think Heavenly Father knows that I need that little push in order to make certain things happen for myself.

See, these are the things that I used to discover about myself all the time as I was free-typing out a blog post. I don't get that anymore. That's what I've been missing! Bloggerino, baby, darling. Forgive me, please? Let's forget about how I've been gone for so long and start fresh? Funky fresh? Also, I'm going to try to get back into labeling my posts, because it's good for me, I guess?

In true fashion, I am sitting here typing this whilst wearing NO PANTS. Just the way I like to exist. :) I think I'm going to do a post about my new years resolutions. And if you don't care, then don't read it.

all the love.
Reille K. :)