Sunday, November 27, 2016

um hi.

Today is one of those days that I just kind of never want to forget. You know those days when you feel like you are spiritually in your element? Like, your comments in class all come out perfectly. Anything you are asked to do, you feel totally capable and it goes really well? Today was one of those days for me. 

I felt so on top of my game! I had lots to say in Sunday School, and I didn't get all nervous and flustered and my face didn't turn bright red with the stress. Which, hasn't happened in a REALLY long time. When I first started going to the single's ward, I was a mess. I was so shy and I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't talk to anyone. But I forced myself to make comments in class and participate. And then I was called to be a RS teacher after a few months in the ward. I could comment in class until my face turned blue, I was so okay with it at that point. And then I stopped being a teacher. And then a bunch of new people got put in our ward. And it was no longer this cozy little den of a ward. It felt like we had been invaded (no longer feels that way, btw), and these newbies were all beautiful and way more spiritual than me and I was no longer good enough to comment in class. So I stopped. And when I did comment, my voice was all shaky with Nervous. And my face and my ears would turn red because of stress and vulnerability. And that was hard. I had a hard time with that. 

But lately, I've been trying really hard to be more vulnerable. This is not the first time I have had to really work on that. I have a hard time being vulnerable in large groups of people. It's hard to let people love me. To let them look at me and see me. And SEE me for me. But, I also love the rush of participating in class, and helping others feel the spirit. And sharing my insights with "outside my brain" peeps. 

I gave the thought at ward prayer tonight because I was one) lazy and didn't want to go through the trouble of finding someone at church to do it. And two) I feel like I should sometimes take a turn when I am having to ask other people to do it. 
And you guys. I was clearly inspired to give the thought that I gave. And it was so cool. Aside from the fact that I cried A LOT. Like, the whole time, basically. 

I talked about how I was kinda freaking out when I was preparing to go through the temple. How I knew that it was from God, and I knew that God wanted me to do this and HE knew I was ready, but I just didn't know if I thought I was ready. I didn't FEEL ready. I went into April's general conference just pleading with Heavenly Father to give me SOMETHING. Something to help me feel okay with all of it. And during Elder Gerrit W. Gong's talk, "Always Remember Him", there was a paragraph or two that were the answer to MY prayer.  

"...we can always remember Him by trusting when the Lord assures us, “He who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”...
Once we repent and priesthood leaders declare us worthy, we need not continue to confess and confess these past sins. To be worthy does not mean to be perfect. Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness invites us to be humbly at peace on our life’s journey to someday become perfected in Christ, not constantly worried, frustrated, or unhappy in our imperfections today. Remember, He knows all the things we don’t want anyone else to know about us—and loves us still."

As soon as I heard this part of the talk, I was immediately overwhelmed with peace. I knew that I was ready... because God knew I was ready. If we do the things that God asks us to do, even when we don't feel ready or adequate or ENOUGH, he will bless us. He was bless us ESPECIALLY if we feel  unready, inadequate and less than enough and we do it anyway. If we will put our trust in Him. In His timing. Heavenly Father knows. He knows all the things about me that I don't broadcast. The mistakes I've made. The things I don't like about myself. AND LOVES ME STILL. And he told me that it was time to go to the temple. So, I did it. And I felt good about it.

I went to a fireside with Sister Oaks a few weeks ago and of COURSE Elder Oaks was there and said a few things. The topic that he focused his remarks on was TIMING. It's all down to timing. And even though going to the temple at that point was not MY timing, it was the RIGHT timing. Because it was 100% GOD'S TIMING. I gave it all over to Him and I know now that I did the exact right thing. I know that God has a plan for each of us. And it is completely tailored to you. And even if it's not YOUR timing, its going to be perfect timing. Because God knows exactly what you need, when you need it, to not only get YOU back to Him, but so you can help others along the way. 

My bishop came up to me afterwards and told me that I answered someone's prayer tonight. The Spirit was definitely present, I was overwhelmed myself (hence all the crying), so I feel pretty confident that the bishop was right. And that is SO AWESOME. I love that. I love being that for someone. And like SO many people came up and hugged me (which I'm starting to get more used to) and even some VERY unexpected people hugged me. Which... I didn't hate? I don't know. Today was just a really really good day. And I'm really happy. A good end to a good stretch of time off and a holiday. Yeah. 

Life is good. 
God is great. 
You are gorgeous.

-Reille K. :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

i want to remember this day.

Wow... Okay... So, update since the last time I posted... :)
I talked to my Bishop that week, and he was all for getting the process started. I began going to Temple Prep for Sunday School (which was a blessing in and of itself, I became better friends with this girl Piper, who I just LOVE), and I bought (and tried to read) The Holy Temple by Boyd K. Packer (this is not a book you can just sit down and read for hours and lose yourself in. I know, because I tried. You have to concentrate so HARD). And I prayed. A LOT. More than I think I may have ever prayed in my life at one time. I was like, legit, praying at all times. And when I wasn't praying, I was thinking about the temple. 

As I went through this process, I became closer and closer to Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. And I started to feel SO READY. One day, whilst urinating, I realized why it's all so different now. Why it all feels so RIGHT. It's because I am finally ready for the commitment. I think that's a lot of what has held me back in the past. In so many areas of my life. I can make commitments, but this... this is LIFE CHANGING. And so is dating. Like, for me, I know that once I start ACTUALLY dating someone, it's pretty much going to move really fast and before you know it, we'll be tying the knot. So, I have to be ready for that commitment before anything even happens. That's kind of how it was for the temple for me. I had to get to the point where I would be committed. To the covenants that I will make. To wearing the garment. To always paying my tithing. To resist sin and temptations. It's a big step. And I didn't want to mess anything up. There was also some issues with ME not feeling good enough... worthy enough... ENOUGH enough. But that's like, the struggle of my lifetime. I AM enough of all of the above, I just had to get to a point where I believed it for myself. 

I had a total of three interviews with my Bishop. The first, the middle, and the final as I like to call them. The first was when I told him I wanted to do this and he said YES. And was super enthusiastic about it. I was 100% not expecting to get a yes right away. I fully expected to be told that I had to wait. So, I was SHOCKED. The middle was when I confirmed, YES, I still want to do this. Let's move forward. Still a little too early to do the actual questions because of WHEN I wanted to go through. And the final. That happened tonight. And I was a little anxious, just because I was so READY. Ready to get going. Ready to take this next step. You guys, this whole process has been like a dream. The best dream that I never want to wake up from. (Aside from any family drama that I basically made up in my head... that was not a fun part. But, that was me being a drama queen and I resolved it within myself). I had my interview with my Bish, then went over to the Stake Office, and had my interview with the Stake Presidency member (DON'T WORRY, I'm a total spaz and I signed my recommend in the Stake Presidency Member's spot and he had to cross my name out and I had to sign it again... *face palm*). And while they were asking the official interview questions, I felt the Spirit SO STRONGLY. And I felt so peaceful. And I knew, in that moment, that it was right. I was doing what is RIGHT for me. 

Then I walked out to my car and as I sat down, I realized... really realized that I AM GOING TO THE TEMPLE. In a week and a day. Like, this is real. It's happening. And oh my goodness! And I was overcome with emotions and the Spirit. But, I just had like a little bit of teariness and was fine. Then I told my snap story and said the words "I'm going to the temple" out loud and cried a little more! Just saying those words out loud was... WHEW! 

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father. And my Savior. They know me SO WELL. Like, it's ridiculous because they know me better than ANYONE knows me. And they know my path and they light the way for me when I have no idea where to go next. They know when I am lost before I even know I am lost. They take care of me and give me so much more than I will ever deserve. I feel so content and happy and excited with where my life is headed. I can't WAIT for this next chapter of my life. It's going to be AMAZING. I'm so grateful for the testimony that I have of this Gospel. Some days, it's all that keeps me going. I am constantly in awe of how PERFECT God's plan is. And that He did it all FOR US. Even though we constantly fail Him. He loves us SO MUCH. 

I can't not testify of the Atonement... it is... the closest thing there is to magic. The moment you feel the power flow through your body is just... it is UNREAL. The Atonement is for sins, but it is also for sadness, disappointment, physical pain, emotional pain, grief, anxiety, worry, stress. Literally, it is for EVERYTHING. It is truly the best panacea EVER (like, you guys, the Atonement cured a migraine for me more than once). I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the Atonement and the power of the Priesthood. There aren't good enough words to truly convey how I feel tonight. I just feel so #blessed. And happy. And stoked.

Today was a good day. And next thursday is going to be one of the BEST days of my life. I just know it. 

Happy Tuesday, all!
All the love!

Reille K. :)

Sunday, February 14, 2016

life lately. and some personal revelations.

Um, hi. How is everyone? I hope that this Valentine's Day was filled with love and not sadness. And I hope that everyone had a phenomenal Sunday. I don't really talk about it a lot, but Sunday is actually my favorite day of the week. My next favorite is Thursday. But I'm not here to talk about my favorite days of the week.

I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind A LOT the past couple of months(ish). When the mission age was changed and one of my dear friends was preparing to go, we were just talking about the struggle of figuring out garments and sizing and adjusting your wardrobe to them one day. I came home and mentioned something to my parents and they said, "You know, you should take out your endowments. That's something you could totally do,". I felt uncomfortable and was all, "Uhh, no. Not right now! I'm a baby! I'm DEFINITELY not ready for that,". Which, in fairness, I don't know that I was at that time. And I quickly brushed that off and didn't really think about it for a while.

Fast forward about a year, and my parents mentioned again that I should seriously consider taking my endowment out. Again, I was like, "Duuude, could you give it a rest?" And there were a couple lessons or talks at church or something that piqued my Spirit and I thought about it for a few minutes but QUICKLY brushed them aside (again). I still felt that at (what... 20? Ish?) I wasn't there yet. I wasn't going on a mission. I definitely wasn't getting married anytime soon. I hadn't even been on a second date or kissed a boy yet! (Both of those still apply, by the way. Someone PLEASE think that I am a good watermelon and pick me! :) Haha, humor from a talk at church today, I know like, 99% of you likely won't get that) AND, I was kind of... scared. To be honest. As the things that go on in the temple are verrrrrrryyyy Sacred, even us members of the church don't really know what happens in there. And that Unknown aspect was terrifying to me. I didn't want to go in there and feel like... "Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?!" And the commitment just felt like too much for me. So, I again, brushed it off.

I didn't think about it for a while after that. I was sure that I would just do it when I was going to get married. Like a lot of people do. And that was okay with me. I was cool with sticking with the status quo on this one. Seriously. I was 100% cool with just waiting. In late 2015, I had the thought a couple of times that I could maybe take out my endowment before I got married. But that was it. I didn't go past that. I didn't put it into the context of, "I should start working on this RIGHT NOW,".

Then, all of a sudden (it felt like), liiiike in November or December of 2015, I could NOT get away from people talking about going through the temple. Talks and testimonies in church. Articles on Twitter. Posts on Instagram. And, on cue for my personality, I was like, WHAT?! What do you WANT from me? GO AWAY. THIS IS NOT FOR ME RIGHT NOW. And I tried and tried to push those thoughts of, "Maybe... it's time to take this... seriously?" and "Darling, it may be time for you to think about this NOW," away and not think about them (Avoidance coping at it finest, ladies and gents, as you'll see in a second, it didn't really work very well).

At the same time, everyone on Twitter was all fluttery and, for lack of a better word, twittery, about Al Carraway's new book that came out around that time, "More than the Tattooed Mormon". And so I asked for it for Christmas, and I received it. I was SO STOKED to read it, but, I also got myself a bunch of books for Christmas/around Christmas and I didn't end up reading it for a few weeks. When I finally read it, I was just happily reading along one day at work and I was getting kinda towards the end when BAM! Revelation happened and I was so... taken aback? Startled? Surprised? I'm not really sure how I want to phrase that. But, it happened and I hate to say this but, I DID NOT WANT IT. Ugh, I know! I was one of those people that won't ask the question because they know they are going to get an answer and then they'll have to actually DO something about it! I'm going to share with you the paragraph that I read, because maybe you're going through something similar? Or just so I can come back to this later and remember for myself. Either way. It's on page 116 and it's the last paragraph on the page. 

"If you are like me and are seeking to go through the temple outside of preparing for a mission or marriage, His timing truly is best, even if it is devastating to wait. The Spirit often speaks to us with recurring thoughts. If this [going through the temple] is something that keeps coming to your mind, it is definitely time to start taking that thought seriously. Don't let your age or anything else discourage you. The decision to go through the temple is between you, your bishop, and the Lord. In my opinion, the best way to prepare to go to the temple is to be ready and willing to accept everything you will learn and experience there. When you get to the point of knowing that the temple is the house of the Lord and that everything you do and hear there is of God, then you are ready. Many of you will go to the temple because you 'have' to go in preparation for a mission or marriage -- get excited!"

You guys. I was just sitting there in my darkened cubicle and I just about LOST IT. I was so... grateful that this passage had come into my life. And that I was finally in a place where I could hear what Heavenly Father has been TRYING to tell me for a long time. I do know that until that time, I wasn't ready. Which is probably why I wouldn't listen yet. And I was also SO MAD at myself for not listening before that. But, that was just a little baby mad, because now... I was listening. I was open to it. And I just... needed to come to terms with where Heavenly Father wanted to take my life. What direction He wants me to go in. Before, I had been letting my age (and so many other things) discourage me from taking this though seriously. This recurring thought that I kept yelling at to go away and "get out of my room!"... it was the SPIRIT. Trying to tell me something important!

Luckily for me, I was still being bombarded with articles and such about going through the temple. I follow this temple dress account on Instagram @qnoor_templedress and they had a blog post a week or so ago that was posted about a couple weeks after my big revelation (that I was honestly JUST coming to terms with and still trying to decide if I just made it up in my head) that you can read HERE if you feel so inclined. And just like that... I knew that it was REAL LIFE PERSONAL REVELATION. One thing about this article that I just LOVE is that she talks about how the endowment should not be overlooked and just as a stepping stone to a mission or marriage. Because the endowment is a saving ordinance! In and of itself! It is SO important! And up until that point, I hadn't really seen it as such. Not for someone living. I had realized this truth (mostly) for proxy work, but hadn't applied that to still alive people (that sounds SO weird, I know. But you see what I'm trying to say, right?)

Also, with the general tour of the Provo City Center temple and the Bridal room tour that I was blessed enough to attend... I just... I felt so... AT HOME there. And my Spirit was just like, "Girl, you need this in your life, just... be open to it,". And I knew that I had to give in and stop trying to push it all away. 

Since then, it's been ON MY MIND. And it WON'T leave. I think... it's time to start taking this seriously. I mean, I'm already serious enough about it that I talked to my parents about it over dinner tonight... this whole... journey, I've been on in coming to this decision. And that conversation just confirmed to me that it's probably time to consult with my Bish and see what he thinks. I know that it may not happen right away. And I know that this may be a long process, because I may not be QUITE there yet. But... this is a direction that I think I need to start going down. I need to at least make an effort at it. And... I'm kind of super excited about it. 

You guys... this Gospel is MIND-BLOWING and I am so so SO grateful to have it in my life. I honestly don't know what I would do without it. To quote one of my all time favorite passages from the scriptures, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27) Even if you feel like you don't know what's up or down in the Gospel and you feel like your testimony would sink and not float or even swim if thrown into a body of water... I PROMISE YOU, that if you have a little faith, and you put in even a little bit of work, then you will find what you are looking for. What have you got to lose? And you and your testimony will surprise yourself. Really. You know more and believe more than you think you do. You just have to be open to it.

all the love.
     Reille K. :)

Sunday, February 7, 2016

i believe 02.07.2016

Hi there. Today is the first Sunday of the month. If you are LDS, that means it's the day that fast and testimony meeting is held (we abstain from at least two meals and are given an opportunity to bear our testimony in front of the entire ward during Sacrament meeting). I personally am not suuuuper comfortable with bearing testimony in this way, as I am not quite as eloquent when I am SPEAKING as I can be when I am TYPING or WRITING. I know that I SHOULD do it, because it will help me grow as a person and all that. But, I just don't think fast enough. And the thought of going up there without knowing what I am going to even talk about makes me want to vomit. 

But, the member of our bishopric invited us to share our testimony with SOMEONE today, so here I am. And I think it would be a good thing if I did a blog post of my testimony each fast and testimony Sunday. So, hopefully I remember that I am committing to do this. ;)

I want to start by saying that I know this Gospel is true. Without a doubt. I know that I am so blessed because of the choice I have made to stay true to this Gospel, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that I have SO much room for improvement, and I can do so much better than I am, but the fact that I am trying, is enough.

I have a testimony of eternal families. I am so happy that I get to be with my goofy family for forever, even when we irritate each other. My siblings have taught me so much from their examples, and have shaped the paths that I have taken without their even knowing it. And my nephews and niece, I just love them SO MUCH. I can't remember what prompted me the other day to think about how I would feel if one of them were to suddenly pass away... I couldn't even entertain the idea because it made me too sad. I feel so much for people that do lose their children and I just want to hold them in my arms and cry with each and every one of them. I'm so happy that I have the knowledge that I do of what comes after death. I mean, I don't know EXACTLY what's going to happen, but I know the general idea. And I know that I will be with my family as I make the right choices. I can live with that and not be scared of death. Sure, I'm still sad when someone leaves, but it's also so exciting for them because they've made it! 

Sorry, that got a little melancholy without my even meaning it to! We are so blessed to have so much technology at our fingertips. What we choose to do with that is so important! Are we going to let our lives pass us by because we are just constantly scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and repeat? Or are we going to use the technology to connect with those around us and uplift, encourage and inspire? When was the last time you bore testimony on social media? Or is the only indication of your faith to others in your bio? Do  you talk to your friends about the Gospel? Do you use your technology for any family history? Do you use it to Index? Do you follow the church accounts and other positive influences? I know that social media is such a huge HUGE tool for us. And Heavenly Father has given it to us in the time that it would be most beneficial to us and our brothers and sisters of the world. Please, please use it for good. 

A few weeks ago, Elder Nelson gave a devotional about the true meaning of the title "Millenial". The entire time I was thinking of that President Hinckley quote that we have all heard a million times about how we are a chosen generation. It is so true! There are strengths and talents that our generation has that will bring the work about in the most spectacular way. Not that those in older generations aren't just as important; they paved the way for us and they raised this generation. We are all just walking each other home. And that is so important to remember. Even though my generation has some faults (seriously, it's ridiculous sometimes), as I sit in church every Sunday and listen to my peers and their insights and how they are dealing with their struggles and trials and see their faith... I know that we are doing much better than people think we are. Than even WE think we are! And maybe it's just that my ward is SO FANTASTIC. But seriously. Every Sunday is just magical with the Spirit that I am privileged enough to be a part of. I love it. 

Last week I finished the Book of Mormon for the first time BY MYSELF. FOR MYSELF. And you guys, I am SO PROUD of myself. I have never been very good at reading my scriptures, and it did take me multiple years to make it through the whole thing, but I DID IT. It was so cool to do that! Even though it's not my strong suit, I know that the scriptures are true. And reading them definitely makes life just a little smoother. I bought myself a new nice set of scriptures so that I would be more motivated to read, and it has actually helped! My other set is the set that I have had since I was baptized when I was 8... so they had LOOOTS of yucky and distracting markings and stuff from 13 years of use. It was time. I needed a grown up set. :)

Anyway, I think this is long enough for now. :)

all the love.
   Reille K. :)

Saturday, February 6, 2016

on being vulnerable.

I get it. I do. It can be TERRIFYING to be vulnerable with people. Because you open yourself up to potentially soul crushing deceit and swords that carry the weight of truth that can be wielded in your direction at a moments notice. That is SCARY.

I had a good long THINK about vulnerability a few weeks ago. And I thought about the people that I've decided were "worthy" to be vulnerable with, and those who didn't meet whatever criteria I may have had at the time and thought was important. I thought about the course of our relationships. I thought about whether it would have been easier had I been/not been vulnerable.

One thing you should know about me is that I've a terrible track record when it comes to humans and relationships. I talk to zero of the people I was friends with in Jr. High and High School. I still talk to a handful of my childhood friends every once in a while. But even that is scarce. It's not like I do it on purpose, I just... Once a relationship becomes toxic at all, I tend to get the hell out of dodge. It's not something I'm super proud of, but it's just who I am. 

Even with this great THINK I had, I can't really put my finger on which is better... To BE or NOT to be... Because I've had it both ways. But, only recently have I opened myself up to someone and been 100% vulnerable. And for the first time since I can remember, I have a relationship with someone that I have no insecurities about. We know exactly what we are to each other. And it is freaking MAGICAL. She makes me believe in the power of vulnerability. She makes me believe that it IS possible to find a MAN that I have that with and can be with for eternity. And that is pretty dang stellar. 

I'm no expert, of course. One thing that I can say though, is that it is so FREEING to be vulnerable. It helps you to get to know yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. It helps you own your identity because you talk about that with other people. It helps clear your mind of worrying what other people think of you... What you are, what you say, what you do. Those thoughts can be incredibly debilitating and paralyzing. Give vulnerability to those around you and you are giving them permission to be vulnerable with you themselves. You're allowing more opportunity for love, kindness, and service. You're deepening bonds and increasing the potential for a lasting relationship.

I've been trying to be more vulnerable lately and I am saying things to people that I never would have before. And then NOT WORRYING ABOUT IT. And you know? It is absolutely wonderful. I feel so FREE. And I am not obsessing. Which is new and different for me. 

So, what I'm saying is this: Even though it is freaking SCARY and TERRIFYING and you feel like your heart is going to beat OUT of your chest and you're going to VOMIT everywhere and your face is on FIRE and your voice is shaking from FEAR... BE VULNERABLE. Do it. Because in my experience, you only regret the things you DON'T do. 

all the love.
 Reille K. :)

PS, I'm typing this to you from my NEW LAPTOP. And I freaking love it. This means I will likely be blogging a lot more because it's going to be wayyyy easier. x

Thursday, January 14, 2016

respond and move on.

I'm going to get really real. I have this problem where I obsess about things that I have no control over. Like, hardcore. I tend to live in the future a lot and daydream my life away. And I want specific things to happen at specific times and honestly, life just doesn't happen that way.

I will confess, I am obsessing over a boy... big surprise! I will not allow myself to text them until I am responding to their text message. That helps me to obsess just over them and not over whether I am being crazy and clingy or not. SO. That's a thing. I think that's been one of my biggest downfalls in the past, is that I just obsess over it and I overthink and I try to analyze how they are going to respond to what I'm saying if I say it THIS way over THAT way. I am also just responding with the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of how flirty or overly smart or even smart-ass-y it may sound. And that my friends, is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I just respond and move on. No censorship. No worrying about how they are going to take it. No worrying about if that will indicate to them that I like them (hi, that's the WHOLE POINT). And it is MARVELOUS. It will all work out in the end, just the way it's meant to.

One thing that I have been trying to do is to leave my phone in my room when I'm not in it. (Which, makes it so I leave my phone at home and then my best friend calls with IMPORTANT NEWS and I miss her call... but it's fine, I called her back and we freaked out together.) Because if my phone is next to me, then I am constantly checking it to see if someone has texted or called me and I somehow missed it when my phone was sitting right next to me the whole time? Or I am hopping on Instagram or Twitter or Pinterest just to see what's new since the last time I checked it like 20 minutes ago. AND I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY DOING THAT. So, I'm working on not having my phone be attached to my human at all times. And that seems to help.

Another thing that seems to be working is distracting myself with a project or a movie. I've been having a Harry Potter Marathon (RIP Alan Rickman) with my parents and sorting my pin boards at the same time and that has kept my brain mostly occupied (except when I sort quotes that are all lovey and they make me think of the thing I am trying not to obsess over). Oops.

What are things that you do to help you not obsess/worry over things that you have no control over?

all the love.
reille k. :)

Thursday, January 7, 2016

i'm trying.

I'm really trying, you guys, to have FAITH. In a very specific thing. And it's something that I have ALWAYS had a hard time having faith in.

The Lord's timing.

Because I want things to happen on MY timetable. Like, all the time. There are SO many times that I can recall that I have been so MAD that things weren't happening for me when I felt like they should. But, God had/has other things in mind for me. Other things in store. And ya know, I KNOW that He knows what He's doing. And I BELIEVE that I will get the blessings and desires of my heart WHEN it's right for me. I KNOW these things. But, its in the LIVING those knows and believes where I struggle.

For example, whenever I start talking to boys, I am NUTS. I want to have a whirlwind romance akin to one in a YA novel. I mean, I've read enough of those that I can almost always predict the ending when I'm reading it the first time. So I've inadvertently  programmed my brain to expect these things. But it doesn't happen. I don't ever have my whirlwind. I don't ever have my romance. I just have me. And Sharky (my pillowpet). And the comfort of not having to wear pants (PANTS ARE PRISON.) all the time. Then I get all caught up and I just WANT it to work out. Just once. And I try to reason with God that it wouldn't be a BAD thing for this one to work out. It's not like I can't date around a little bit. Please please please help this happen for me. But no. Because we all know that I am NOT a "dater". I will likely start dating someone and end up marrying them. Because that's just who I am as a person. And Heavenly Father knows that. But sometimes I think it's really annoying that He knows me so well. Is that totally awful of me? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

And I've tried using charts and reward systems and all kinds of things to get myself to read my scriptures every day. And none of them have ever worked. I do really well for a while and then I slowly stop making it a priority and I stop reading them altogether. And I can feel the difference. And I don't like the difference. I WANT to read them every day. But I just don't do it.

And, its not just The Men and scripture study... it's other things too. Like, losing weight. Deciding to not spend my money frivolously. Flossing regularly. And so many other things too. Heavenly Father has a plan for ME. And I just have to trust in that.

BUT, in the meantime... I'm trying this new thing where I am not expecting ANYTHING to happen. Would I LIKE certain things to happen? Duh. In a specific amount of time? For sure. But, the expectations are no longer there, so I can no longer be devastatingly disappointed when something doesn't happen. Or when I slack off and don't live up to my own expectations. I'm trying to be more loosey goosey. I'm not putting my life on hold for anyone anymore. I'm paying attention and doing things that I know are good for ME without worrying about it so much. And seeing what happens. I mean, I'm still TRYING, just letting go of the WORRYING ABOUT IT part (because ya gotta TRY). And you know... it's nice. I have a semi-obsessive personality, so it's HAAARD. But, so far, I think it's working? And you know? It's giving me more FAITH. In the LORD'S TIMING. And I like that. I want to have faith in that.

I've found myself thinking, "I wish *this* would happen... Enh! It'll happen in time." Or "I want to MAKE this happen NOW... Mm, it will happen in due time." And then subsequently thinking, "Did that just happen in my brain?" Because that is so not normal for me.

But, I'm trying. Really trying to have faith. I'm trying to put into practice all these beliefs that I have and let them help me shape my life. And I'm a firm believer in effort. So far, it's going well.

all the love.
Reille K. :)


Tuesday, January 5, 2016

because 2016.

Happy New Year! Like, 5 days ago. :)

I'm putting my goals here, because the more I talk about them, the less I have to actually do them, right? JOKES.

I'm trying something new, and I made my goals in categories this year. Because of something a beautiful man said in a lesson one Sunday. I mean, he just said it in passing, but I thought it was a GRRRRREAT idea. So, here we go!

Physical Goals:
Yoga, Water, Cardio. Lose 40 lbs. and not find it again. Eat healthy things. Floss.

Spiritual Goals:
Keep a Valid Temple Recommend. Read my scriptures and pray EVERYDAY. Be more grateful.

Mental Goals:
Read at least 2 books per month. Blog at least once a week. Write more. Declutter more. Make lists (for my forgetful brains).

Financial Goals:
Save AT LEAST $50 a paycheck. Not spend my money on things I don't ACTUALLY NEED. Take less trips to Target.


I mean, a lot of these are things that just require a tiny bit of brainpower/effort/pants wearing when I get home from work. I tried to do both MORE goals and LESS goals. Most of the LESS is in the financial category because I need to stop wasting my money on things that I find to buy at Target (mostly) that I could really exist without just fine.

And SO MANY of these things have been a goal of mine for so long and I do great for a while and then they fall by the wayside again.

Basically, I just want to be more intentional with my time and not just sit by idly while my life slips by. Which is what I naturally do. Just sit idly. And that's not going to help me progress into areas that I want to go. Like marriage. And motherhood. Because hey, that's the next big life step to take for me. I've already moved out (and back in). And I'm not going on a mission. I'm ahead of the curve here! Anyway, its late and my feet are falling asleep. So the rest of me probably should follow suit.

all the love.
Reille K. :)

we need to talk.

Hi there! I have been very absent lately. Because I felt like I didn't have anything to say, I guess. Even though I totally did. I just... didn't say it. And, you know, I've hardcore missed my little corner of the interwebs here. I used to be obsessed with it. With sharing my thoughts about anything and everything. And I was pretty good at it. But, something happened, and I still can't pinpoint it, that made me stop. That made me pause. That made me curl those thoughts right back up into my brain bag and keep them there. Instead of free flowing out through my fingers and into the world. I really want to get it back. That free-ness. It will take some time, but, I think we can make that happen.

I rediscovered my journal/quote book from my senior year of high school tonight. And WOW. The LOLs! Like, I can't even tell you how cute the things I was worried about are to me now. But, I also discovered that I was freaking SMART about so many things. And so many of the things that I wrote are still applicable to me now.

I found the journal entry that I wrote right after I confessed my big sin to the Bishop for the first time in my life. And I felt like I was on top of the world. It was Easter of 2012 and I was there for my Seminary Graduation interview. You know, I'm seeing a pattern here. I think that Heavenly Father allows me to have other reasons to be in interviews or meetings and then nudges me to say what I need to say. I was miserable in my calling and during this last tithing settlement, it all came spilling out of my eyes and my mouth when my bishop was just making small talk. I think Heavenly Father knows that I need that little push in order to make certain things happen for myself.

See, these are the things that I used to discover about myself all the time as I was free-typing out a blog post. I don't get that anymore. That's what I've been missing! Bloggerino, baby, darling. Forgive me, please? Let's forget about how I've been gone for so long and start fresh? Funky fresh? Also, I'm going to try to get back into labeling my posts, because it's good for me, I guess?

In true fashion, I am sitting here typing this whilst wearing NO PANTS. Just the way I like to exist. :) I think I'm going to do a post about my new years resolutions. And if you don't care, then don't read it.

all the love.
Reille K. :)