Tuesday, November 18, 2014

"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love..."

I feel like Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me something lately. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Until tonight. As myself and Cora had our usual decompress discussion after a ward activity, a phrase popped out of my mouth that surprised me. 

"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love... Love is meant to find me."

Which, is not to say that I can't make an effort. But, that I have to stop searching for it in every possible speck of interaction with people. I need to stop wishing and hoping that its "just around the next corner, I can feel it." And when it isn't, "oh the NEXT corner then." And being constantly disappointed and sad that I am alone and single. Or trying to convince myself that certain aspects of people that I probably am not actually attracted to, are not deal breakers, I could totally deal with that. 

This isn't to say that I dislike being single. I enjoy being alone, and having time to re-energize. I am an introvert after all, and alone time is ESSENTIAL to me being a happy, healthy individual. But, there is a stark difference to alone time, and being lonely. Alone time is chosen precious minutes or hours set aside where you can reacquaint with your thoughts and feelings. Being lonely is (often) bitter and agonizing time when you crave the presence of another human... Their touch, their embrace. Moments when you want nothing more than to feel another persons heart beating next to you. And sometimes, a friend just doesn't cut it. Not in the same way that a "lover" would. (I use the term "lover" loosely. Mostly meaning like, someone that wants to kiss your face sometimes, yeah?). And I wish so badly that I could turn it off every once in a while. 

This last General Conference, I went into it with a question in mind. Which, this was the first time I had ever done that. And that question was, "Heavenly Father, is there something specific that I need to be doing to find my husband? What do you want me to do?" And I got a few answers, mostly related to my personal progression in the Gospel, but I very firmly got a feeling of "Stop worrying so much about it. Just take a chill, it will happen when it's time. You'll know." 

If you know me well, or even semi-well, you know that I have a hard time not being in control. It's tough for me to not hold the reins with at least one hand. I don't like knowing that I have a surprise in store for me if I don't get to know what the surprise is within like, an hour. I like to keep things neat and organized because organized = control. And not knowing what's going on, stresses me out. So, you an imagine how hard it is for me to not know. Not know what or who God has in store for me. And it's hard when everyone around me wants it for me just as much as I do. 

I keep being told that I'm "a catch" and I think I am, but sometimes, it gets a little hard to believe that. It's hard to remember all the great things about myself when no humans of the male variety want to partake in these great things. Which, I think the phrasing of that makes me seem like I don't love myself, even though I do. I freaking rock. But, I just want a guy who wants to kiss my face and snuggle sometimes to think that I freaking rock too. 

Aaaand, circling back to the point... I want to stop looking for love. I want to let love find me. And even though it's probably going to be one of the harder things I've done emotionally, it's going to be worth it. Because he's out there somewhere. And maybe he needs to find me first for this to work. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 

     Reille K. :) 

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