Disclaimer: Nothing I say in this post is in any way placing blame or anything. I am simply writing about something that I am familiar with. No more, no less.
I am, unfortunately, quite familiar with this feeling. The feeling of people you know, becoming people you knew. This feeling, he and I are old friends. He comes to visit in that moment when you look at someone that you know and realize that a familiar stranger is standing before you. Each time he comes, he's just a little bit different, but you know. You know it's him. The circumstances can be angry, bitter, and full of contention; but can just as easily be sad, lonely, and depressing. And in even more rare cases, it can be happy, relieving... FREEING. In almost all cases, it's ALL these things at one point or another, like the stages of grief.
I feel as though people talk about the leaving the person/relationship part ALL THE TIME. Whether you leave because its now unhealthy or no longer beneficial or whatever, you just gotta move on with your life and leave them behind. Or you move on and they don't come with you. You know what I'm talking about? There are probably about a thousand quotes about it on Pinterest and Tumblr. And I completely agree--if a relationship (that is not familial, mind you) becomes unhealthy and is strained and full of contention and you're just hurting each other-- by ALL means, get outta there. Buy a one way ticket outta (insert name here) town. If you have the strength, courage, and self-respect to do that, to make it happen for yourself - cheers to you! (Let me be clear, you don't have to turn into a mega-beast to make it happen. Just speak from the heart, yeah?) It is HARD to end relationships, especially when they are relationships that are long.
But, not as widely talked about is what happens after. After you have bought that one-way ticket and you're outta there. The part where you are talking and say some weird made up word that you only ever used with that person. Or you pass their favorite restaurant. Or you smell the perfume or cologne they wore. Or you spot something that would make the PERFECT Christmas/birthday present. And you remember everything. And you can just barely hear your heart break the tiniest little bit. When you miss your old friend so much, it hurts, and you can barely breathe for just a second because of it. When you make the mistake of Facebook stalking them just a little bit and you see what they are doing with their life now and it makes you more sad because you could be doing those things with them and experiencing it right along side them. And for .2 seconds, you might entertain the idea of mending the relationship. That part freaking SUCKS. And it doesn't ever go away all together. It gets better, MUCH better, but not for a loooong while, at least in my case. Because I romanticize EVERYTHING. Perks of being a creator, eh?
But then, right after you consider for those .2 seconds, you remember WHY. Why you are no longer in each others lives. And you get mad and really angry for, hopefully, just a minute and you let it wash over you and then you shake it off and get back to the, "Hey, you know what, I'm fine. I'm happy with my decision. And I've never been better and I grew so much from this experience. And this is where I'm supposed to be and the people who are supposed to be with me are here. And I love them and they are great." It's okay to remember those that you had to leave behind. What's NOT OKAY is to dwell on them. To harbor a bucket ton of anger and resentment towards them. Because it WILL spill out of that bucket and get all over everything else in your life. And it will NOT be a picnic. Let me tell ya.
Can I let you in on a secret though? Something that I more recently learned for myself? You will NEVER stop loving that person. The person that you knew. I mean, you don't love the person at this moment, but at one point, they WERE that person that you love. Because at that time, they were exactly who you needed and they helped you grow and develop and that is fantastic. And they will forever be immortalized as that person in your memory. But, people change and grow and sometimes, outgrow. It happens, because we are humans. And that's how humans roll. We are ever evolving. You just have to build a little room in your heart for those people to go live once you kick them out of your life... or gently lead them out. Whatever your style is. :)
Anyway, I need to go to BED. Like, reals bad. So, goodnight! I hope this week is better than last. :)