Wednesday, August 6, 2014

scary things.

When I have a big life change, I get the urge to write even more frequently. I get the urge in a way that it just won't be satisfied until I pour all the words out onto a page. Because, I mean, I get the urge to write ALL the time, but somehow I convince myself/I'm too lazy to actually do it. 

It's official. I'm all moved out. My bed and my clothes are now at the new pad and I slept here last night. And I hade to figure out how to work our new shower. And not feel so hot I was going to die when I was falling asleep last night. And I have to to buy food tonight. And I'm so responsible that it makes me shudder sometimes. When did that happen? Who LET it happen? I've never been so terrified and excited about anything ever, and it's a weird feeling to have. Like, this is my apartment. I'm not just doing this for a week. I'm in here for at least a year. A YEAR. I know that I'll be living in this place for the next year. And that's kind of weird. I thought that I was going to be working at Target and living at home this summer, and here I am, not working at Target and not living at home. It's amazing how quickly life can change. In such a drastic way. 

Someone said something on Sunday (this was the phrase that opened the floodgates and then I couldn't get a grip for the rest of Sacrament! Stupid beautiful boy who is so eloquent I just melt,) it was something like, "it's scary, but it feels so right" I don't know if those were his exact words. But that's the same message. And I was just floored. I hadn't been able to figure out exactly what I had been feeling and he put it into words and it was so spot on. I almost couldn't believe my ears. It's rare that I can't put my feelings into words, but I was struggling with this one. And when I wasn't even looking, someone else found the words for me. It was fantastic. 

Because it is SCARY. To move out on my own, and have to be responsible for everything and pay for power and think of things that I hadn't ever thought of before. And it's all me. I mean, I have a roommate, and my parents are still close, but... You know what I mean, right? And what if I'm not ready and what if I fail miserably and I can't do it? What then? But I'm also so excited. I have my own place and I have grown up responsibilities, and what if I succeed? What if it's the best thing that I ever do? What if I grow in ways I never would have if I didn't move out now? What if this is just the plan for me? Even though it's terrifying and hard? 

Everything is different now. And there are few things that I can find comfort in that have stayed the same. And, I'm actually really fine with that. Because those things that stayed the same are enough for me. Those things that stayed the same are the things that matter. Life is nuts, I can tell ya that. :)

          Reille K. 

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