My whole world has been turned upside down. I don't even know what to think about our newest revelation in this morning's session of General Conference.
On one hand, I feel like a mission is a good idea. I mean, I went back to visit my favorite seminary teacher a few weeks ago, and he told me to read the chapter in his book (yeah, the man has written a book. What a stud, right?) especially for sisters. And I just kept putting it off and putting it off, until I finally just grabbed the book and headed for the bath tub (don't think I'm weird, but I do all my best reading in the tub... I'm not the only one and you know it). I devoured that chapter, and started feeling like it could be possible for me. I've never seriously considered it, but this week, it's been on the brain.
Let's rewind a few years to the night I got my Patriarchal Blessing (I'm not positive if that's a thing that you capitalize like a proper noun, but let's be honest, if it isn't, it should be). As those of you who have gotten yours know, the Patriarch generally chats a little bit with you when you first get there. I mean, he's wouldn't just bring you into his home, give you direct revelation from your Heavenly Father, and send you on your way if you're just some random that happens to live in his stake boundaries. And my Patriarch (Patriarch Peay, he's seriously the cutest, little old man ever) was just chattin' away and telling us some stories (his stories are the best, and he tells them ALL the time) and in the middle of his story, he turned to me and asked if I was going on a mission. Well, I was sixteen and it had never even crossed my mind. I could barely fathom graduating high school, much less think about what I would be doing when I was 21.
And over the years, I've had a few instances where a seminary teacher or... okay, mostly just seminary teachers, would mention something in class that would pique my attention and get me thinking about it for a little bit, but eventually it would just get crowded out with all the math, science, and stupidity of most of the subjects I took in high school (that I KNOW for sure, that I will never use. Calculus? Never. Psychologists don't need no math [or grammar, apparently ;) double negative...]).
And I'll be honest. Completely honest. Going on a mission? It FREAKS ME OUT. More than anything else. Possibly even more than spiders. Which I could encounter huge, scary, flesh eating spiders on my mission if I were to go somewhere outside the U.S. When I've thought about it after high school (so like, the past few months... ) it just sends me into a panic and I push the thought away so I don't hyperventilate and die (not that I associate going on a mission with death, even though it kind of sounds that way a little...).
I have an irrational fear of failure. And disappointing people. I can't do it. That's why I secluded myself all the time through Jr. High and High School when my family was just sitting around talking. I went down to my room and struggled through my math homework (math was obviously my worst subject, I feel like I've said it a lot in this post) or read those chapters for english, or did my chemistry homework. I COULD NOT get a low grade. The first time I failed a test in AP U.S. History, I cried. Literally cried. I lost it (granted, I was a sophomore then, and since I've found better, more healthy ways to cope with things). This goes hand in hand with the fear of disappointment. I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in my grades or ANYTHING. That's why I was such a goody two-shoes in High School. I mean, I still went out and had fun, but I kept away from hanging out with a few people because I knew my parents wouldn't approve, or at least, that's what I thought. I've given myself some room now, because somewhere along the way, I realized how unhealthy I was being about them. It could have even been in Psychology when we talked about fears and mental health and such.
Anyway, back to the mission thing. I think I'm just so scared to fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I'm scared to miss my family and my friends too much. I'm scared that I won't be enough. I'm scared that I won't make a difference. I'm scared that I'm too shy when it comes to sharing my testimony. I'm scared that my relationship with Heavenly Father isn't strong enough. I'm just plain scared.
This announcement from the prophet this morning has just sent me into crazy mode. I feel like it would be good. I feel like I COULD do some good. But, then I think back to those thoughts in the paragraph above. It just... it scares me. A lot. I KNOW it would be good for me. I KNOW that I would be great. I KNOW everything would work out and be absolutely amazing. It's just the getting there and making myself do something that I have almost no knowledge about really.