Wednesday, October 10, 2012

It's on the brain...

Yesterday, I mailed a letter. A very important letter, full of feelings, apologies, and freedom. I began the letter not really expecting to send it off, but I made myself do it. She deserved an explanation. I deserved to tell her how I really felt after all this time. And I think she needs to know. I won't say WHO this letter is to, but I think A LOT of you humans that are reading this (maybe?) might be able to use your incredible brainpower to figure it out (if it really means that much to you). If I get a lot of comments asking who it is, then I guess I could tell you. But I feel like the name would make it so much more personal. Not that this isn't personal as it is. But hey, it's super vague and y'all (yes, y'all) probably hate me a little.

If you're like me, you hate it when you don't have all the details and you just want to know exactly what people are talking about. I mean, if it's worth talking about, you should FOR REALS talk about it, right? But, in this instance, I feel like it would be a little of an attack on this person. Even though I super duper, higher than high-ly doubt that she'll ever even see my little blog I have here. I still have a tiny shred of loyalty to her, and I just can't. I mean, I'll forever keep any secrets she told me (not that I can even think of any right now), and she'll always have been one of my best friends, but I just couldn't bear to keep her around. And I feel AWFUL. Not that I did it. Not that it happened. Just, about the situation. Because up until this point, I've always been on the other side of this.

Which... I just realized. I've never been on this side of BFF Breakup! Oh man... awkward! That makes me hate myself a little bit. Which, I'll be honest, I don't think I'll ever not feel bad about how this all ended up. I'll be honest again, and tell you that I have never been happier since I accepted that I was no longer going to consider this person a friend, and that I was GOING to move on with my life.

I really feel like I've put my past behind me, with this letter. I hate that I feel like I might make her cry. I hate that it will probably hurt her feelings. I hate that. I hate what it will do to her. But I LOVE what it did for me. She will finally know all the things I was always scared to say, because I knew that if I did, I could very well lose her. In the end, I just did what was best for ME. Something I have had a hard time doing in the past. Like I've said before, I had an irrational fear of disappointing people.

But I know this is what was meant to happen. It's becoming more and more clear that there is a reason behind literally every single detail of our lives. The people we meet on a day to day basis, the things we do throughout the day, the roads and routes we drive to get to where we need to go, the things we see, the things we say. ALL OF IT. HAS. A. REASON. A purpose. A greater meaning than I think we may ever know in this life. And I am amazed at what I've been noticing. God is in the details, my friends. Look for Him.

Also, I realized that since I have decided to post all of my bloggies (hmm, maybe what I'll start calling blog posts... ew, no. I can't. Just this once...) on Facebook, I can no longer, ever talk about boys on here unless I end up getting a boyfriend (ha! With the way things have been going lately, I just have a hard time seeing that happen). Because, well, there's a 200% greater chance that they could see it. And that's super weird. And awkward. I can barely handle my own mother reading my blog (which, she really hates that I refuse to just type in my URL for her and I've made her find it herself even though I've now posted the links on facebook...) much less humans that I'm interested in, in that way. Blecgh (I SOOO wish you guys could hear how this is pronounced... maybe I'll make a video one day, it's hard to spell my personal onomatopoeia's). So... just a heads up! Not that I expect y'all (seriously, I can't help myself. I feel compelled to have to use it.) to really care about it. But... in case you do... Sorry!

Anyways, Cheers!

Reille K.
(I realize that I've forgotten to "sign off" like this in my last few posts, and I apologize. Like I've said. SCATTERBRAIN.)

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