Thursday, April 4, 2013

Can't shake that feeling...

I feel almost as if I've let myself down. It seems silly, but there was a reason that I chose this to begin with; I had just forgotten what that reason was, I suppose. But I remember now... I can't shake the sinking feeling that I made a mistake. That I chose the wrong thing. It's hard because there's not really any way of knowing whether I did or not until it's much too late and time and energies and emotions have been wasted.
I saw something on Pinterest that reminded me of where I was when I made the initial decision.

I had forgotten that I didn't like the person I was. I had forgotten that I didn't appreciate how they spoke of others. I had forgotten that I have stopped judging people because that makes me happier and it's not something I even want around me. But I don't want to hurt them. I don't. But, is it worth potentially hurting myself to do that? Maybe I'm just too different. I could FEEL myself slipping back into my old, despised ways. Crawling back into the skin I thought I had shed for good. And I realized that it was just that easy. And that scares me.

Certain people can take you back to a time period of your past and with them, you're right back where you were. All your hard earned progress lost. All the pain, all the tears, all the grappling (is that how you spell that? Grapple-ing?) with yourself over who you truly wanted to be --for naught.

I gave it a second chance, didn't I? I made no promises, right?

I'm NOT saying that I regret the forgiving part. I'm just saying that I don't really... want to spend a slew of time with them? Like, we can totes go to lunch and catch up every once in a while but... I feel like the expectations are different for them than they are for me. I feel like we need to have an official meeting and discuss our expectations, but that sounds STUPID and really sad if that needs to happen.

I just, I don't even know.

Maybe I'm just weirded out by the situation?

Maybe I'll get my answer during Conference this weekend?

I DO know, however, that I'm not the same person. And if it works out, things won't be the same. I won't hide away how I feel and what I think just to spare their feelings or to keep them as a friend. I'm not scared of losing them anymore. So, that's not a problem.

I think I'll just get over myself for now, and let things pan out a little.

I think.

I feel like this shouldn't even be a big deal, but it is.

Maybe I'll make a pro/con list? (Oh my gosh, kill me, I'm laughing at myself about that. But, it would be helpful... wouldn't it? I mean, that's what they always do in movies and tv, so it HAS to work, right? HA!) (but seriously, would that be a good thing to try?)

It's definitely something to mull over. And it's hard, because it's not really a decision that anyone else can help me with. It's hard to summarize the relationship.

Anyway... I hope you all have a lovely day!

     Reille K.

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