Saturday, February 6, 2016

on being vulnerable.

I get it. I do. It can be TERRIFYING to be vulnerable with people. Because you open yourself up to potentially soul crushing deceit and swords that carry the weight of truth that can be wielded in your direction at a moments notice. That is SCARY.

I had a good long THINK about vulnerability a few weeks ago. And I thought about the people that I've decided were "worthy" to be vulnerable with, and those who didn't meet whatever criteria I may have had at the time and thought was important. I thought about the course of our relationships. I thought about whether it would have been easier had I been/not been vulnerable.

One thing you should know about me is that I've a terrible track record when it comes to humans and relationships. I talk to zero of the people I was friends with in Jr. High and High School. I still talk to a handful of my childhood friends every once in a while. But even that is scarce. It's not like I do it on purpose, I just... Once a relationship becomes toxic at all, I tend to get the hell out of dodge. It's not something I'm super proud of, but it's just who I am. 

Even with this great THINK I had, I can't really put my finger on which is better... To BE or NOT to be... Because I've had it both ways. But, only recently have I opened myself up to someone and been 100% vulnerable. And for the first time since I can remember, I have a relationship with someone that I have no insecurities about. We know exactly what we are to each other. And it is freaking MAGICAL. She makes me believe in the power of vulnerability. She makes me believe that it IS possible to find a MAN that I have that with and can be with for eternity. And that is pretty dang stellar. 

I'm no expert, of course. One thing that I can say though, is that it is so FREEING to be vulnerable. It helps you to get to know yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. It helps you own your identity because you talk about that with other people. It helps clear your mind of worrying what other people think of you... What you are, what you say, what you do. Those thoughts can be incredibly debilitating and paralyzing. Give vulnerability to those around you and you are giving them permission to be vulnerable with you themselves. You're allowing more opportunity for love, kindness, and service. You're deepening bonds and increasing the potential for a lasting relationship.

I've been trying to be more vulnerable lately and I am saying things to people that I never would have before. And then NOT WORRYING ABOUT IT. And you know? It is absolutely wonderful. I feel so FREE. And I am not obsessing. Which is new and different for me. 

So, what I'm saying is this: Even though it is freaking SCARY and TERRIFYING and you feel like your heart is going to beat OUT of your chest and you're going to VOMIT everywhere and your face is on FIRE and your voice is shaking from FEAR... BE VULNERABLE. Do it. Because in my experience, you only regret the things you DON'T do. 

all the love.
 Reille K. :)

PS, I'm typing this to you from my NEW LAPTOP. And I freaking love it. This means I will likely be blogging a lot more because it's going to be wayyyy easier. x

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