Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Footprints on my heart.

Normally, I wouldn't be so open about this, because it's led to some issues before. But this time, I'm not trying to gossip, bad mouth, or make myself feel better than another. I just want to talk about how I feel.

Fortunately for me, someone else wrote a post/poem that says what I wish I could say in a much more pleasing way than I think I could ever come up with. You can find that here. Honestly, I read that post and almost started crying because I have been feeling that way all week. I guess it's really only tuesday, but it's been since about friday. I've cried a lot lately and I'm just trying to keep it together more. I used to be able to be so aloof and stoic when it came to things like sappy moments in movies and TV shows and songs. But I don't know, ever since the last testimony meeting in seminary with my class, I can barely keep myself together sometimes!

Back to the post. I feel like one of my best friends is just kicking me to the curb. It's been a really long time since we've seen each other (like, graduation, long time). This is how it's always been though. Our relationship had never really been much of a summer thing, which I used to be fine with. I lived with it, because I knew that when school started again then we would be good as new! And now that I don't have the end of the summer to look forward to, I feel... more pressure I guess? to make sure that we stayed friends. But then, it felt like I was the only one making an effort. And I thought that if I shared my real feelings about the situation, then I would lose this person for good.

Well, without even trying, I feel like I've lost her. We haven't officially said "We're done." But when I found out that she had a specific reason for not talking to me the past two months, I was devastated. And I felt like no matter what I did or do is ever going to fix it, fix us. And I thought that I would never be able to handle losing yet ANOTHER best friend. And I sometimes feel like I might just fall apart. But I guess that's just part of life. Sometimes we have to let people go because we just want them to be happy and being with us isn't doing it for them. Sometimes, we have to let them go because we have to do what's best for ourselves for a while.

But I think that sometimes letting go of someone can just be a blessing in disguise. I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I know that sometimes people will walk into our life and walk out but their footprints will always be there on our heart. Their impact on us will be there always.

This song came on this morning while I was in the shower and I felt it would be perfect for this post. I'm sure you've heard it before, but enjoy nonetheless. :)

No matter what ends up happening with this friend, I know that she has made me a better person. She taught me to stand up for myself, to deal with my problems with others (which sometimes just creates more drama, but usually ends up making things better), she taught me that I can't just be passive even though it's easier. She taught me what I want in a best friend, and what I don't. Even if/when she walks out on my life, she has definitely left her footprints on my heart.

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