"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love..."

I feel like Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me something lately. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Until tonight. As myself and Cora had our usual decompress discussion after a ward activity, a phrase popped out of my mouth that surprised me. 

"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love... Love is meant to find me."

Which, is not to say that I can't make an effort. But, that I have to stop searching for it in every possible speck of interaction with people. I need to stop wishing and hoping that its "just around the next corner, I can feel it." And when it isn't, "oh the NEXT corner then." And being constantly disappointed and sad that I am alone and single. Or trying to convince myself that certain aspects of people that I probably am not actually attracted to, are not deal breakers, I could totally deal with that. 

This isn't to say that I dislike being single. I enjoy being alone, and having time to re-energize. I am an introvert after all, and alone time is ESSENTIAL to me being a happy, healthy individual. But, there is a stark difference to alone time, and being lonely. Alone time is chosen precious minutes or hours set aside where you can reacquaint with your thoughts and feelings. Being lonely is (often) bitter and agonizing time when you crave the presence of another human... Their touch, their embrace. Moments when you want nothing more than to feel another persons heart beating next to you. And sometimes, a friend just doesn't cut it. Not in the same way that a "lover" would. (I use the term "lover" loosely. Mostly meaning like, someone that wants to kiss your face sometimes, yeah?). And I wish so badly that I could turn it off every once in a while. 

This last General Conference, I went into it with a question in mind. Which, this was the first time I had ever done that. And that question was, "Heavenly Father, is there something specific that I need to be doing to find my husband? What do you want me to do?" And I got a few answers, mostly related to my personal progression in the Gospel, but I very firmly got a feeling of "Stop worrying so much about it. Just take a chill, it will happen when it's time. You'll know." 

If you know me well, or even semi-well, you know that I have a hard time not being in control. It's tough for me to not hold the reins with at least one hand. I don't like knowing that I have a surprise in store for me if I don't get to know what the surprise is within like, an hour. I like to keep things neat and organized because organized = control. And not knowing what's going on, stresses me out. So, you an imagine how hard it is for me to not know. Not know what or who God has in store for me. And it's hard when everyone around me wants it for me just as much as I do. 

I keep being told that I'm "a catch" and I think I am, but sometimes, it gets a little hard to believe that. It's hard to remember all the great things about myself when no humans of the male variety want to partake in these great things. Which, I think the phrasing of that makes me seem like I don't love myself, even though I do. I freaking rock. But, I just want a guy who wants to kiss my face and snuggle sometimes to think that I freaking rock too. 

Aaaand, circling back to the point... I want to stop looking for love. I want to let love find me. And even though it's probably going to be one of the harder things I've done emotionally, it's going to be worth it. Because he's out there somewhere. And maybe he needs to find me first for this to work. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 

Cheers,

     Reille K. :) 

the trunk labeled with your name.

I had to pack you away. I had to put you and us and all those memories in a trunk that I keep locked in the deepest parts of my heart. So that I could move on and stop feeling so sad and lonely without you in my life.

Try as I might, I still sit down with that trunk, sometimes. I still think about you. About what happened to us. About the good times, and the terrible times. About how you were the first person I loved so deeply outside of my family, who I would do anything for. I think about how I hope you're really, truly happy. I think about the pain I may have caused you, and if you think about me still. And I hope that I didn't affect you as much as you affected me. I hope that that wound healed. I hope that it has turned white with age. I hope that it didn't turn red and angry. I hope that when you think of me, you don't have angry feelings.

Because when I think of you, I feel sad. Sad for how it all turned out. Sad because I was so optimistic about us. And about who we would be to each other in the future. Sad because of the hole that you left, that sometimes feels like it still hasn't been filled. Sad because of the memories, but never sad enough to come back.

Because you were right. I wasn't the same person. I'm not the same person. Now, I love myself. Now, I know myself better than I ever have, I think. Now, I stick up for myself, because I know that I am worth it. I don't need someone else's validation anymore. And that has changed me. I know my purpose now. And I know how to be happy and fulfilled by myself. And that has changed me. 

I sometimes imagine seeing you at a store five years from now, or ten years, and stopping dead in my tracks. What would come next in that scene? Would I be wishing I could be anywhere but right there? Because the pain of seeing you again would probably be too much? Or maybe it will have been long enough that I will be excited to see you. And I would shout out your name down the aisle for everyone to hear. Will I want to sit there and chat and catch up, because I want to know that you're doing okay? That you're happy and fulfilled? Or will we feel obligated to politely greet each other as if we were not ever who we were to each other? Or... Will we simply not even recognize each other? Will we glance at each other as we pass and exchange a friendly smile, thinking to ourselves, "I know that person, don't I? I think I do... But from where? And from when?" 

Sometimes I imagine you calling me, and telling me that you're in town and you want to get together and catch up. And me saying yes, and instantly wishing that I could be that girl. Who wanted to revisit the past with someone else, and relive the glory days of our relationship. And meeting up with you and being miserable the whole time because I should have said no; I should have stayed away.  

I think about how I will tell our story to him. Whoever "him" might be. And what parts I will tell in the overview. And which parts I'll save for a little later. Or if I will even tell our story in one go, or just bits and pieces over time. I sometimes tell it to myself. Just to see. And it's different every time. Sometimes I am mournful over it. And sometimes I get angry. And sometimes, when im feeling extra vulnerable and sappy, I cry just a little.

I sometimes think about how I miss you. And I let myself sit there and miss you for a few hours, or a day, or a couple of days. And then, I open my eyes, and look around, taking in the world that I love in now. I pick myself up, brush myself off, close the lid of the trunk and lock it tight. I stand up straight, hold my head high, and I walk away from those thoughts and feelings and memories. 

Until next time. 

feels. i don't want to come out and play.

It may seem like I don't care, like I have no feelings, but, I do. I have a lot of feelings, too much, in fact. Enough that if I let myself feel all my feelings to their full extent, I would not be a functioning member of society. But late at night, sometimes those walls come down. Sometimes, I let the feelings come out to play.

Because late at night, I let myself feel the things that I don't let myself feel at any other time of the day. For fear that they will take over. That they will take me hostage, and accept no ransom. 

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to stop. I've never hated someone because I liked them so much. Hated them because I can't hate them. And not the kind of hate where you can't stand to be around them and you wish bad things on them. No. The kind of hate where you would rather not be around them if you had the choice. The kind of hate where you don't crave their presence at any given moment. Because any moment with them present is ten times better. I hate that you make my heart smile, even when it's broken. I hate that a lot. Because I think that's the hardest part. I still care about you, and it hurts. 

How do I make those feelings stop? I don't think that's something you can drown in watermelon slices or starburst. I feel like I can control it when I don't see them. But that's just it, I WANT to see them. I WANT them to stay part of my life despite everything. I try to joke, I try to make light, but the feels. They won't stay on the edge of the light like they are supposed to, slowly receding further and further back into the darkness, day by day. No, they stay sitting there, right on the edge. Right where I can still reach out and touch them if I wanted to. Right where they can jump into the light in the worst moment possible. And you want to just grab a sword and chop them up because you're so angry that they keep doing that. 

It's not an easy feat, to feel everything so deeply. To get stuck in feelings that you wish you wouldn't get stuck in. Because the ones that you would rather not have are the hardest ones to swim to the edge of, to hoist yourself over the side of the pool and dry off from with a towel. And the ones that you want to sit there and bask in forever with the rain pitter  pattering on your upturned, smiling face, are the ones that flee away in a moment. As likely to return as it is to rain in Utah. Enough to get you by, but not nearly as much as you would like. Not enough to soothe your troubled soul. 

Go away, feelings. I don't want to come out and play. 

Cheers, 

      Reille K. :)

"One day I will find the right words..."

All the feels have been happening and I want to write about them so bad! I've had approximately six blog post topics floating around up there for weeks, but I simply can't find the words to write them. Which... doesn't happen very often for me.

I have a quote on my wall by Jack Kerouac, that I've had up there for a little over a year, that says, "One day I will find the right words and they will be simple." I put it up there to remind me to choose words that would get my point across more quickly. And to remind me that one day, when it really matters, the right words will come. And they won't be some grand monologue. They will be simple. I mean, most of the time, less is more. And the past few months, I've had those words running across my mind more and more.

I've never been one who is short on words. I have not, however, always been quite as outspoken as I am now. I know, you're SHOCKED. But, I always had the words I needed packed away in the boxes I kept in my head's attic. Lately, I can't figure out how to unpack the words that I need and put them together in a way that exactly expresses my feelings and thoughts. And I can't seem to fix it. And I don't like that. I've always been able to express myself, but I couldn't seem to figure this one out.

I have a specific something that I have been trying to decide how to say for closer to a year than not, and regardless of how many times I have come back to it, I haven't solved it. I feel like it's a very important expression of emotions that I don't think I fully understood until recently. Now that I understand them, I'm having a hard time finding the courage to say them out loud to the people that need to hear. And that hasn't happened to me since high school when I was the girl who was not outspoken and such. And I don't remember how I used to deal with that. I just keep thinking, that my "One day" to find the right words has got to be close. But, I have to say these feelings out loud, and deal with what happens after whether it be good or bad. I've never been more ready for it, if only that readiness is for my own mental health.

I'm so close to the right words, that I can taste them. And I hope they taste as good as I think they're going to. Anyway, Happy Weekend! 

Cheers,
     Reille K. :)

this is real life.

I started this week as a CSR, and I love my job, I really do. I love that I get to help people. And I like that I know things that most people don't (because most people don't know anything about insurance because most people don't even think about their insurance until something happens. Fair enough, bro.) call me conceited, but it's true... So I started the week as a CSR, and I ended the week as an Underwriter. They're the people who actually write the policies and decide if someone is a good risk to insure and things like that. And holy crickets, this is my life. 

I got the company-wide email a couple weeks ago that there were two positions opening up, and I considered it, but I have only been there for two months and am I even ready for that?! So I didn't do anything, and I was telling my dad that I wanted to do it, but didn't really feel ready, and there are so many other people who are probably applying, right? And after a course of events, I ended up not only applying, but getting the position. 

Dude, I'm twenty years old and getting a position at an insurance company that usually takes at least a year or more to work up to and are you guys sure you want me for this position? But they see a lot of potential. And they know that I will work hard and learn as much as I can, because I've already shown them that with my current position. And just, wow, this is my life. And it's so crazy right now. 

I am so immensely blessed that I don't even know what to do with myself half the time. Like, I don't deserve to be blessed this much. But we never really feel like we deserve to be blessed, right? It's just amazing to me how quickly life can change. And how quickly you can grow when under the right circumstances. And how quickly we can adapt to a new way of life. I feel like "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend,". And things are going to be hard, and scary, and sometimes things are going to suck. But hey, the bigger picture is pretty freaking great. And I know that things won't suck forever. And that I will get used to the scary things and they will cease to be scary. 

I feel like I have become a real life grown up, the kind I always daydreamed about being when I was younger, in a few short months. And it's a little bit crazy and weird. And a little bit, "How did this even happen? Who decided that I was ready for this? AM I even ready for this?" But I have a lot of really great people supporting me, and I know that I can turn to them whenever I need to and that they will be there for me. I really am blessed beyond words.

Cheers,

         Reille K. :)

scary things.

When I have a big life change, I get the urge to write even more frequently. I get the urge in a way that it just won't be satisfied until I pour all the words out onto a page. Because, I mean, I get the urge to write ALL the time, but somehow I convince myself/I'm too lazy to actually do it. 

It's official. I'm all moved out. My bed and my clothes are now at the new pad and I slept here last night. And I hade to figure out how to work our new shower. And not feel so hot I was going to die when I was falling asleep last night. And I have to to buy food tonight. And I'm so responsible that it makes me shudder sometimes. When did that happen? Who LET it happen? I've never been so terrified and excited about anything ever, and it's a weird feeling to have. Like, this is my apartment. I'm not just doing this for a week. I'm in here for at least a year. A YEAR. I know that I'll be living in this place for the next year. And that's kind of weird. I thought that I was going to be working at Target and living at home this summer, and here I am, not working at Target and not living at home. It's amazing how quickly life can change. In such a drastic way. 

Someone said something on Sunday (this was the phrase that opened the floodgates and then I couldn't get a grip for the rest of Sacrament! Stupid beautiful boy who is so eloquent I just melt,) it was something like, "it's scary, but it feels so right" I don't know if those were his exact words. But that's the same message. And I was just floored. I hadn't been able to figure out exactly what I had been feeling and he put it into words and it was so spot on. I almost couldn't believe my ears. It's rare that I can't put my feelings into words, but I was struggling with this one. And when I wasn't even looking, someone else found the words for me. It was fantastic. 

Because it is SCARY. To move out on my own, and have to be responsible for everything and pay for power and think of things that I hadn't ever thought of before. And it's all me. I mean, I have a roommate, and my parents are still close, but... You know what I mean, right? And what if I'm not ready and what if I fail miserably and I can't do it? What then? But I'm also so excited. I have my own place and I have grown up responsibilities, and what if I succeed? What if it's the best thing that I ever do? What if I grow in ways I never would have if I didn't move out now? What if this is just the plan for me? Even though it's terrifying and hard? 

Everything is different now. And there are few things that I can find comfort in that have stayed the same. And, I'm actually really fine with that. Because those things that stayed the same are enough for me. Those things that stayed the same are the things that matter. Life is nuts, I can tell ya that. :)

Cheers!

          Reille K. 

how did I get here?

If you would have told me five years ago that this is where I would be, I would have laughed right in your face and thought you were a nutball. Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine being done with AP US history (my least favorite class of my entire high school experience, including Calculus)! Back then, I was convinced that I was going to work hard and get through high school and go away to college and I would instantly meet my one true love and I would have my two best friends beside me always and life would be blissful and I would be ignorant. Yes, that does happen for some people, but not for me.

I didn't go away to college. I didn't even go TO college. Which it took me a long time to get to be okay with that. I haven't met THE ONE yet. I mean, there are contenders that our amazing relationship really only exists in my head right now, but hey, I'm working on it. Guys are kind of scary for me. I still haven't completely gotten over my awkward Jr. High phase yet, I guess. At least when it comes to guys that I LIKE. I don't even TALK to my two best friends from high school. Which is fine, because none of us are the same people we were in high school and the people we became don't really mesh the same way. Life is certainly not a constant state of bliss, and I sincerely hope that I am not an ignorant swine.

What I DID do though, was figure out what MY values are, independent of my family and friends and church. I learned more about who I am, and what makes me tick. I met new people, and tried new things. I did things that scared me, and made me feel uncomfortable (in the healthy way, not the terrible way). I found people that I wouldn't trade for the world. I grew up faster and sooner than I ever thought I would. I discovered the sure way to calm my nerves. I came to love myself in a way that I never knew was possible. I had a job that I didn't really like. And I have a job that I really DO like. And I work with people that I think are fantastic. If you had told me even a year ago that this is what my life would be right now, I wouldn't have believed you.

But isn't that always the truth? No matter how much we plan for the future, and what's going to happen in said future, we never really know what's going to happen. There are so many variables and outside forces that we have no way to predict anything. We can't even predict ourselves, as we are constantly evolving. Forever malleable. 

Instead of looking at what we HAVEN'T done, look at what we HAVE done. Look at how and who the Lord blessed us with. Look at the amazing things that you did. And look at where it's taken you, somewhere you never imagined possible. Because when you look at your life, really look at it... Life can be pretty amazing. :)

Cheers!

     Reille K.