Footprints on my heart.

Normally, I wouldn't be so open about this, because it's led to some issues before. But this time, I'm not trying to gossip, bad mouth, or make myself feel better than another. I just want to talk about how I feel.

Fortunately for me, someone else wrote a post/poem that says what I wish I could say in a much more pleasing way than I think I could ever come up with. You can find that here. Honestly, I read that post and almost started crying because I have been feeling that way all week. I guess it's really only tuesday, but it's been since about friday. I've cried a lot lately and I'm just trying to keep it together more. I used to be able to be so aloof and stoic when it came to things like sappy moments in movies and TV shows and songs. But I don't know, ever since the last testimony meeting in seminary with my class, I can barely keep myself together sometimes!

Back to the post. I feel like one of my best friends is just kicking me to the curb. It's been a really long time since we've seen each other (like, graduation, long time). This is how it's always been though. Our relationship had never really been much of a summer thing, which I used to be fine with. I lived with it, because I knew that when school started again then we would be good as new! And now that I don't have the end of the summer to look forward to, I feel... more pressure I guess? to make sure that we stayed friends. But then, it felt like I was the only one making an effort. And I thought that if I shared my real feelings about the situation, then I would lose this person for good.

Well, without even trying, I feel like I've lost her. We haven't officially said "We're done." But when I found out that she had a specific reason for not talking to me the past two months, I was devastated. And I felt like no matter what I did or do is ever going to fix it, fix us. And I thought that I would never be able to handle losing yet ANOTHER best friend. And I sometimes feel like I might just fall apart. But I guess that's just part of life. Sometimes we have to let people go because we just want them to be happy and being with us isn't doing it for them. Sometimes, we have to let them go because we have to do what's best for ourselves for a while.

But I think that sometimes letting go of someone can just be a blessing in disguise. I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I know that sometimes people will walk into our life and walk out but their footprints will always be there on our heart. Their impact on us will be there always.

This song came on this morning while I was in the shower and I felt it would be perfect for this post. I'm sure you've heard it before, but enjoy nonetheless. :)

No matter what ends up happening with this friend, I know that she has made me a better person. She taught me to stand up for myself, to deal with my problems with others (which sometimes just creates more drama, but usually ends up making things better), she taught me that I can't just be passive even though it's easier. She taught me what I want in a best friend, and what I don't. Even if/when she walks out on my life, she has definitely left her footprints on my heart.

updated blog. :)

I decided, tonight, that I really needed to freshen up the look of my blog. It was classy before but feeling a bit dark. So, I made it bright and happy! :) Yay for new things!

growing up is hard to do.

Last night I went to my very first opening of a mission call. It was... interesting, to say the least. I have a brother, but he didn't serve a mission, and my two closest guy friends won't be serving either. But honestly? I don't think I could have picked a better one to go to.
It was my good friend, my bishopric buddy(I'm the only one who ever refers to him as that, I don't think he even knows I do), and neighbor, Jordan. Now, I've known Jordan for lots of years. We went to Elementary, Jr. High, and High School together. We had plenty of classes. We live just around the corner from each other, it literally takes me less than a minute to walk to his house. But I never REALLY got to know him until this past year or two. I've mostly been friends with his little sister, Arynn, who I've mentioned before and absolutely love. So I guess it was inevitable that I would get to know Jordan. Besides being in the same Sunday School class and all that. This kid, he's great. At first he's a little weird, which is the "reason" I never made an effort to get to know him. That was my "excuse" in Jr. High and such. But, he's turned into one of my favorite people. I don't think anyone in the world knows this. I didn't even realize this until last night.
On to the opening of the call. Naturally, there were a bunch of his friends there, and countless amounts of family. Our age group in the ward is really big, mostly consisting of boys, with two girls. And I think all of us were there.    It was funny [to me] when Jordan was so nervous he could barely get the envelope open. Then he read the entire letter and he's going to the Japan Kobe mission! Now, I have always known about that part. But the rest of the letter? It was interesting to me. It talked about living by the "missionary standard" and a little bit about what it means to be a missionary; who you ARE, what you'll be representing. And as Jordan was reading it, I couldn't help but think of what an AMAZING missionary Jordan is going to be. He really is though. I fully plan on writing him and I can't wait.
After that, all the friends just sat around the room and hung out, reminiscing about high school and talking {normal teenager stuff}. I had never hung out with the majority of the people that were there, even though I have known all of them since Jr. High. But honestly? It was one of the best nights of my entire summer. I loved it! I wish so badly that I would have made an effort to hang out with people other than the ones I hung out with every week. Don't get me wrong, I have really fun friends, but every once in a while it got a little monotonous. This change of scenery [in a sense] was awesome and just what I needed that day. Finally, at 11:00 pm, Jordan kicked the remaining three of us out. Me, Kaden, and Taylor.
None of us really wanted to leave and so we stood around on the sidewalk for about half an hour and just kept talking. Parker ended up coming back and joining us there, and was a great addition. We talked about growing up, marriage, moving away, etc. And we talked about how much we just don't want to. We don't want to grow up. It's scary. It's hard. There is SO much responsibility. But, we gotta.
Lately I've noticed something, and I find it interesting how similar all of us are. I've been getting into blog following and talking to people outside my norm and it's crazy how much I identify with all of them. It's crazy that I'm finding so many people who feel the same way that I've been feeling. They always say that if you feel alone and like no one knows what you're going through, Christ does because of the Atonement. And I fully believe that. And maybe, just maybe, they {Heavenly Father and Christ} make sure we find those on THIS earth who are feeling the same as us too, we just have to be open and looking for them.
Ahh, I'm just so proud of Jordan. I know, it's super cheesy and everything, but I am. He's one of the best kids I know, and I can't wait to see how much good he does on his mission. He will be great. :)

Cheers!
Reille K. :)

Feelin' like a straight up BOSS.

So yesterday, my dad took my sister and I to my new favorite place to eat burgers (the only place I really eat burgers, mind you) SMASHBURGER. I absolutely love it and can't get over how delicious it is. I get an avacado club with sweet potato fries and it's legitimately divine. If anyone wants to win me over on a date, take me there and then we should go to Yogurtland (which is conveniently a couple doors down and also yummy) for dessert. You'll definitely get a lot of points for that combination.
Anyway! While eating, my dad asked if we were cool going to BestBuy really quick and just check out some phones and such. I was down, since I do nothing with my life right now. But we got to BestBuy and they had like twenty billion people there just in the phone section and so we decided to go to the Tmobile store that is actually a lot closer to our house. Guess what? Zero people were there! Yay! The guy there was super great and made some adjustments and junk to our plan and made it cheaper and such. My dad was like, should we just upgrade now? And me being me, I said uhhh, heck yes! So we got new phones and I am now the proud owner of the Samsung Galaxy S. Wifi enabled. Smart phone with a data plan. Touch screen phone. WORD. I am still so excited about it. I freaking watched two episodes of a show in my room last night on Netflix on my phone simply because I COULD. Just in case you can't really imagine what a great thing this is, let's add some visuals, shall we? :D

Here's my old phone, I named him Titus. Isn't he a beaut? No data plan. No games. Just calling and texting. That's it.

Here's my NEW phone! It's just so pretty and touch screen-y. I'm absolutely in love with it. IN LOVE.  Samsung Galaxy S 4G. 

I feel like it's very fitting for right now. I'm really starting to get into this whole growing up and being an adult thing. I mean, I got a job and start next week. I graduated high school and such. And now, I have a brand stinkin' new phone and I just can't believe I'm lucky enough to have this fancy new phone. I just love it. LOVE IT! And I feel like a straight up boss when I use it. Errytime. 

In other news, all my shows are back on tonight! They all took a break last week because of the holiday. I can't wait for So You Think You Can Dance, Baby Daddy, and Melissa and Joey.

In other other news, my bishopric buddy, Jordan Casper is opening his mission call tonight and I'm really excited. I've never been to one so this is a pretty big deal for me. Jordan and I have really gotten to be pretty good friends this year and he's actually a really great kid. He's going to make an absolutely amazing missionary. 

Word.

I wish I could find the words to say about everything I think. I wish I could be as articulate here as I am (supposedly everyone thinks I am) not in the written word and bloggy type things. I always feel the urge to blog and share what I have to say to the world, but when I get here, I just feel ridiculous and I can't find the words to say. Which is weird because...

I've always had an affinity for words. Reading them, remembering them, wishing I had said them myself, thought of them myself. All of it. I have notebooks FULL of quotes, all handwritten and hand picked by me, each one carrying a different meaning to me. They remind me of things I once felt, taking me back to a moment in my past when I read over them again and again. They can be combined in so many ways and carry so much meaning if arranged in such a way.
Words keep us going. Words that inspire us, hurt us, tear us down. We want to prove them wrong, we want to live up to them, we want to say the right ones. But sometimes, we can't seem to find the right words or even any words at all.
And don't even get me started on talking about my feelings. Very few people have I found that I can talk to about my feelings and they don't feel so insanely verbally uncoordinated.
Like now. I feel like all that's coming out is a whole bunch of alphabet soup.
So, I think I'll leave it at that, and finish this episode of Pretty Little Liars. :) Night!

--Reille K. :)

*fingers crossed*

I have a job interview today at the lovely discount store that doesn't feel like a discount store, Target. 

I'm freaking out, just a bit on the inside. 

I feel like I'm just too awkward. 

And it's uncomfortable for me to "sell myself".

And I just get worried that once I get the job, I won't be good enough.

And things won't work out.

   What if I'm late?

   What if I don't get along with ANYONE I work with?

   (This one could seem kinda lame but...) What if I don't get to go to Minnesota with my parents in August?

   How am I going to get there everyday?

   Will I be able to save money once I have money to really save?

The list is really endless, and I'm really nervous so I don't want to think about all those things in detail right now. 

I know that I'll get the job. I mean, I've seen the people that work there, and know a little bit about some of their qualifications and such, and I think that at the very least, I'm about equal to them.

I just really hope it goes well.

I just really hope I don't be a total spaz.

I just really need a job, so I can someday go to college and learn stuff and junk. 

Sidenote: My AP Psych teacher says that he's supposed to get the AP results back this week. And I am DYING to find out what I got. Like, literally, I could die. I really want to get a five. *fingers crossed*

Cool people.

Once upon a time (sometime last year), this girl was in my seminary class. I always thought she was absolutely amazing and really super spiritual. I never really told her any of this, but I feel like we used to say hello to each other in the hallways. Anyway, she wrote a pretty durn fantastic post that I thought was AWESOOOME! It's about fear vs. faith and living in the moment. Being spontaneous. I guess, let's be real, actually LIVING.

Check out that post ---> HERE!  (no really, go read it)