This one's gonna get a little deep... So put on your snorkelin' gear! And also very long, so cozy on up!
With everyone graduating and moving on with their life, I feel like this is the PERFECT time to talk about this. It's something I've wanted to write about for a really long time (like, november, not even kidding) and I just haven't. I guess I just needed a catalyst to help me pull all the thoughts together into something readable. And that, my friends, is the class below mine graduating. I've been contemplating about where I was at this time a year ago A LOT this past week.
I had just graduated high school. Finished the loooong 13 year base education that everyone (mostly everyone) gets. I had finally reached the long awaited "freedom" that comes with graduating. But...
It felt hollow. It felt sad. It felt weird.
I no longer got to see my friends every day.
I no longer got to have knowledge being shoved into my brain everyday.
I now had to GO SEEK knowledge if I wanted it.
I had to decide for myself what I wanted to learn about and what I didn't.
I had all this freedom that I simply wasn't used to before. I had NO structure in my life. I had... nothing. Nothing but a piece of paper that said I went to high school and finished it.
My best friend had moved to Logan.
My other best friend had stopped talking to me.
My family was all busy being grown up and stuff.
I felt COMPLETELY alone. And I had no idea how to fix it. I sat on Pinterest, Facebook, and Netflix ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. The entire month of June last year. I didn't have a job. I didn't have a car. I literally sat there. In my house. All day. I almost never left. I was depressed. And not that depressed that we all throw around like it's no big deal. Like, I was LEGITIMATELY DEPRESSED. The dark, scary, lonely, AWFUL depressed. I hated it. This time was a very horrible time in my life. And I didn't really make it any easier for myself by being on Facebook all the time, seeing everyone else going out and being social and having all these great adventures.
All I did was sit and wish that my life were like that. While surfing Pinterest and simultaneously watching Netflix. But then, I got a job at Target. And I had some structure in my life. And I had social interaction. And I got to help people, everyday. And I had income. And I could save for a car. Which gave me a goal to work towards. I started blogging even more, and actively trying to get better at said blogging. I started to become comfortable with myself again. I started to improve myself. I started to WANT TO BE BETTER, in general.
I finally came to terms with graduating. And "growing up". That was really hard for me to do. I've always been mature for my age, but being mature and actually acting grown up/being grown up are two different things. I had to give up relationships that weren't all that healthy for me, no matter how much I wanted to hold on to them. I had to cut out bad habits. The kind of bad habits that you wish you had never done and you never speak with anyone about. Ever. The kind that you cannot even say out loud. That, was INCREDIBLY hard. That actually began in the early spring of last year... Easter. To be exact.
But, I was improving. I was better than I ever had been before. I was meeting new people and learning new things. My blog was becoming much more successful. I had finally clawed my way out of that depression. And it was great.
It was a bit harder once things got monotonous and drone-feeling in Softlines at Target. It was even harder when I found out that people were talking about me behind my back. I lost it when it was taken too far. I switched to Instocks. I left Softlines and all the drama behind. I was better than that. I was no longer scared to stand up for myself. Which, I had been prepared for through what I had to go through during last summer. And, that switch worked out beautifully. I've never been as happy as I am now. But really, this is better. I feel much more fulfilled. I get more recognition for my hard work from not just my own team, but everyone else as well. I finally went to the Single's Ward. I have a calling. That calling scares the living daylights out of me, but I know that it was meant to be.
My point is... it's HARD. I never felt like I could talk about my graduation experience so candidly; it's supposed to be this really happy, awesome time in everyone's life, and it wasn't for me. I felt abnormal. And if you just graduated (or even if you didn't!) and you're feeling this way too, please, PLEASE make it your goal to figure out what will get you out of your funk. Give yourself some purpose. Do it because you owe it to yourself! You owe it to yourself to be happy.
This leads into that announcement I talked about yesterday. Which, I really am saving for Wednesday. I'm sorry if you're dying to know what it is, but you'll have to wait a little longer.
Have a lovely Monday! Thanks for stopping by!