I've been listening to a lot of He is We lately. And it's actually a little depressing (The new stuff that I guess is really just old demos. Plus the new EP), but so beautiful. So... I guess it all evens out.
I want some motion. I want to love someone. Not in the, "You're my family, I love you." or "You're my best friend, I love you." ways. I want to love a boy. I want to be one of those girls. I guess I always have been, but I've been really good at hiding it. I pretended like it was okay. I pretended like it wasn't a big deal. But inside, I'm hopeless. I'm romantic. I've been longing to love.
It's hard. To find someone that fits. Someone that understands you exactly, the first time. Someone that you feel so comfortable around that you can act like a total dork. It's hard. And it doesn't help that I've read countless books that either raise my hopes WAY too high, or make me hate all of men-kind and make it hard to think that I could trust one of them with my heart. Boys are complicated. And scary in a not-so-scary way. Scary because they are unknown (to me). All the guys I've ever gotten close to... well... they're gay. So. It's kind of different.
Lately, "love" has been on my mind more than anything else. And I'm getting sick of it being only on my mind, and not in my reality. But... it's kind of my fault. In a way.
I feel awkward. I feel insecure. I feel confident. I feel too "straightforward". I feel like people are too intimidated by me. I feel like it'll never happen sometimes. But at other times, I'm so full of hope that I can't believe nothing has happened yet. My emotions that I keep locked away inside of me are contradictory. I don't know how to make sense of them.
This whole post probably makes little sense. But it's fitting. Because I can barely make sense of my own thoughts. All the ones that I can't bear to share with you. I don't understand them a lot of the time. I don't know how to arrange them in a way that's logical.
I guess all I really need... is to BREATHE. That's the advice I gave my best friend today before he went on his first date with a guy. He was so super nervous. I told him to breathe and that everything would be okay. Really. It would all work out. But once the focus was no longer on their date, it turned back to me. And my dealings with boys (that really don't even exist). And how we could finangle (not a real word) this guy into a date. Not that it's too much of a stretch, but, you know. He finally responded to a facebook message suggesting that he ask me on a date with "I'll think about it". Those four words are almost as hard to hear as a flat out "No." It means I have to wait more, wait longer. It also means that I have a foot in the door. It means that he's thinking about me. It means possibility.
I need distractions. That was my best friend's advice to me (the one I told to breathe). I don't know how to distract myself from this. It's hard. I obsess. I worry. I make myself crazy. It's just what I do. I like to know all the facts. I like to know things I didn't know before. Why do you think I've known almost every detail of the female (and male for that matter) reproductive system since fifth grade? The second I learned the tiniest thing about this mysterious "period" that happens every month, I had to know ALL of it.
Well, I think this post has pretty much come full circle (in my head, at least). So, I hope you didn't fall asleep.