So this week, I've been re-reading for the millionth time, one of my favorite books. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. She's my favorite author and I love pretty much all of her books. I wanted to talk about a quote from that book that helped me realize something about my own life.
"I'd been through so much, falling short again and again, and only recently had found a place where who I was, right now, was enough."
As I read that, I thought about how I used to feel that way before I went through the temple. I always thought that any slip up, whether big or small, was a shortcoming. That I was just screwing everything up and that I would never get it right. I felt so inadequate. And I didn't fully comprehend that those were my feelings until pretty recently. I felt like I had to be absolutely 100% perfect in order to be worthy to go to the temple. Especially to go THROUGH the temple. And that was a big part of why I was so confused when Heavenly Father told me I needed to take out my endowment. But, I did it anyway because I trust Him. I was really nervous that I would feel trapped by the endowment. Once you do it, you can't really go back on that. I mean, you can, but... it's not really that simple. Ya dig?
After I went through the temple, I tried to make it a pretty regular habit. I went as often as I possibly could and found that I didn't feel inadequate anymore. I felt like I was right where I needed to be for me, and for those who I would serve by being temple worthy. I felt... bright, filled, and free. It's like the new knowledge and protection I had from the ordinance and the covenant I made broke whatever chains I may have not realized were there and I remembered that I have wings! I feel so much more available to the Spirit now. And part of that likely comes from the way that it all happened and how I learned how better to listen to that Spirit and the way that it speaks to me. But that's so important.
It all feels kinda weird, because I don't feel like I need to be "perfect" to be in the temple anymore. The temple is where I go when you feel broken, tired, and weary. When I'm celebrating, happy, and grateful. I go to the temple, not because I'm perfect, but because I'm not perfect. Because I can't do it alone. Because I don't WANT to do it alone. With the temple, I feel... ENOUGH. Just as I am, and just where I am, RIGHT NOW. More enough than I ever felt before I was endowed.
If you're feeling a little less than enough, I would encourage you to take a trip to the temple this coming week. Whether that's a trip to the inside, or to the outside. Just go. And be still there for a while. You might be surprised by what you find.
Reille K. :)