Upside down.

My whole world has been turned upside down. I don't even know what to think about our newest revelation in this morning's session of General Conference.

On one hand, I feel like a mission is a good idea. I mean, I went back to visit my favorite seminary teacher a few weeks ago, and he told me to read the chapter in his book (yeah, the man has written a book. What a stud, right?) especially for sisters. And I just kept putting it off and putting it off, until I finally just grabbed the book and headed for the bath tub (don't think I'm weird, but I do all my best reading in the tub... I'm not the only one and you know it). I devoured that chapter, and started feeling like it could be possible for me. I've never seriously considered it, but this week, it's been on the brain.

Let's rewind a few years to the night I got my Patriarchal Blessing (I'm not positive if that's a thing that you capitalize like a proper noun, but let's be honest, if it isn't, it should be). As those of you who have gotten yours know, the Patriarch generally chats a little bit with you when you first get there. I mean, he's wouldn't just bring you into his home, give you direct revelation from your Heavenly Father, and send you on your way if you're just some random that happens to live in his stake boundaries. And my Patriarch (Patriarch Peay, he's seriously the cutest, little old man ever) was just chattin' away and telling us some stories (his stories are the best, and he tells them ALL the time) and in the middle of his story, he turned to me and asked if I was going on a mission. Well, I was sixteen and it had never even crossed my mind. I could barely fathom graduating high school, much less think about what I would be doing when I was 21.

And over the years, I've had a few instances where a seminary teacher or... okay, mostly just seminary teachers, would mention something in class that would pique my attention and get me thinking about it for a little bit, but eventually it would just get crowded out with all the math, science, and stupidity of most of the subjects I took in high school (that I KNOW for sure, that I will never use. Calculus? Never. Psychologists don't need no math [or grammar, apparently ;) double negative...]).

And I'll be honest. Completely honest. Going on a mission? It FREAKS ME OUT. More than anything else. Possibly even more than spiders. Which I could encounter huge, scary, flesh eating spiders on my mission if I were to go somewhere outside the U.S. When I've thought about it after high school (so like, the past few months... ) it just sends me into a panic and I push the thought away so I don't hyperventilate and die (not that I associate going on a mission with death, even though it kind of sounds that way a little...).

I have an irrational fear of failure. And disappointing people. I can't do it. That's why I secluded myself all the time through Jr. High and High School when my family was just sitting around talking. I went down to my room and struggled through my math homework (math was obviously my worst subject, I feel like I've said it a lot in this post) or read those chapters for english, or did my chemistry homework. I COULD NOT get a low grade. The first time I failed a test in AP U.S. History, I cried. Literally cried. I lost it (granted, I was a sophomore then, and since I've found better, more healthy ways to cope with things). This goes hand in hand with the fear of disappointment. I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in my grades or ANYTHING. That's why I was such a goody two-shoes in High School. I mean, I still went out and had fun, but I kept away from hanging out with a few people because I knew my parents wouldn't approve, or at least, that's what I thought. I've given myself some room now, because somewhere along the way, I realized how unhealthy I was being about them. It could have even been in Psychology when we talked about fears and mental health and such.

Anyway, back to the mission thing. I think I'm just so scared to fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I'm scared to miss my family and my friends too much. I'm scared that I won't be enough. I'm scared that I won't make a difference. I'm scared that I'm too shy when it comes to sharing my testimony. I'm scared that my relationship with Heavenly Father isn't strong enough. I'm just plain scared.

This announcement from the prophet this morning has just sent me into crazy mode. I feel like it would be good. I feel like I COULD do some good. But, then I think back to those thoughts in the paragraph above. It just... it scares me. A lot. I KNOW it would be good for me. I KNOW that I would be great. I KNOW everything would work out and be absolutely amazing. It's just the getting there and making myself do something that I have almost no knowledge about really.

30 Day Challenge

It's happening. I'm reading the Book of Mormon in 30 DAYS. It's tough, I'll tell ya that. But, oh my goodness, it is VERY worth it. Already in the past... since yesterday morning, I'm understanding more and making connections on my own. It's like a crash seminary course, all by yourself (when I say 'all by yourself', I mean, no seminary teacher there feeding you the answers or even there to give you any answers, y'know?)
Honestly, I've only had one or two periods where I actually read the scriptures EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So I think that could be why I feel so darn lazy when I had to read 10 whole chapters yesterday. But, I really feel like this is what I should be doing. This is a good way to kick start the habit, as well as cement it into my daily life. If you do something for fifteen to thirty days in a row, it becomes a habit (apparently). I'm so excited to see who I am after this experience. Hopefully, I'm WAY closer to who I'm meant to be than who I am right now. Not that I'm a bad person or anything (at least, I don't think I'm a bad person) I just have a lot of things that I REALLY needed to work on. Really. Two of them being: {1} Prayer and {2} Reading my scriptures. And ironically, those two things help A LOT with the third thing I really needed to be done with (sorry, it's not really blog appropriate, kinda personal, and I'd really rather not). Those two things give me a strength that I don't know I've ever quite felt before. I've never been much of a pray-er, which I HATE to admit. And it's something I've been struggling with... all my adolescent life. It's not like I don't WANT to pray, I just sometimes (most times) have no clue what to say and I feel silly because a lot of the time, my problems sound so stupid when I whisper them aloud. I know that it's dumb to feel this way too, and I know that God really wants to hear about them and help me. But still. I'm workin' on it. :) 

On to my actual process with the 30 day challenge. 

I start with a prayer. Always. It helps bring the Spirit and I feel it gives me the extra push (probably since I always pray for the motivation to keep this going for the full thirty days). I try to pick out any 'lists' or meanings of the parables/visions and write them in a notebook I keep next to me. Which, I think is very important. KEEP A WRITING UTENSIL AND PAPER OF SOME SORT OPEN AND READY TO WRITE THINGS DOWN. It shows that you're ready to record when inspiration hits. When I kept up that regimen in seminary and actually took notes, I got SO much more out of the lessons than I did when I slacked off and studied for my AP Psych test/did math homework/mythology homework/anything else really. I write down things that I find important to the story line of the scriptures, (yes, there's a story line, I always knew it was there, but now I'm ACTUALLY seeing it for myself). And at the very end, I write down "A QUESTION FOR THE HEAVENS". Which, is a question that, after having read that particular section, I want to ask one of the people involved when I meet them in heaven, whether it relates directly to what happened, or how they felt about something, or why it was them in particular, or what. It helps me to think more deeply about what's happening and relate better. I want to understand, which is a bog part of this whole thing. UNDERSTANDING THE SCRIPTURES. I don't think anyone really treats the scriptures as {books} necessarily. I mean, obviously they are BOOKS. But we would never read them like we read other pieces of literature (i.e. Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, ... Twilight, etc.) And I'm really loving this way of reading them. More like a BOOK. Even if there are times when I zone out a little bit because each section feels so long, or whatever, I'm still getting so much more out of it. 

Never in a MILLION years...

This week has been absolutely PACKED.

• I went back to high school for a day (half a day, really)
• I got lost on a college campus (barely)
• I led my team at work (which is weird because I'm a baby)
• I went on a date (whoo hoo!)
• I got home early, but still didn't go to bed until late.
• I finished season 8 of Grey's. (OH MY GOSH)
• I read two books.
• I went to a temple dedication. 
• I took a really long nap.
• And I saw a REALLY, just absolutely adorable little baby. (She's a week old.) 

I thought it would be as simple as walking into the building to go back and visit my favorite teacher. When I got there, though, I had a flash of an instinctive feeling that I didn't belong there. And I don't, obviously. But it was slightly hostile. And that was weird. It was weird to be back in that building. I am such a different person than I was when I went to school there, and it's only been a few months. I talked to Mr. Barth (Clayton and I have been trying to refer to him as 'Paul' now, since that's his name, but we can't make ourselves do it verbally. Only in writing, so far) for about an hour and a half. And then I thought I might as well go see Brother Christiansen, my favorite seminary teacher. Even with his class being slightly disruptive, I felt the Spirit. That man is incredible. Really. He told me that I should really just go get a schedule for institute so I could go a couple times a week. And we talked about my date. And I went on my way.
Which brings me to the college campus. I went to UVU, and somehow, I got really lost and I never ended up getting the institute schedule. It was just too much for my brain. I don't like getting lost when there is construction of any sort. So I scrapped the idea, for now.
I got to work on friday night and was informed that I was going to be leading the softlines team. (Softlines = Clothing parts of the store.) I've only been at Target for just over 90 days, so I feel like a Target baby. But my leaders see leadership potential in me. I feel like everyone sees me as a leader, and I'm the only one that doesn't. It's just a weird feeling for me. It was touch and go in the middle there, but the night ended on a successful note. It definitely has to stay a once-in-a-while deal while I'm just your average Team Member.
I went on a date last night. The first day of fall. The first day trying out the new me. I asked this kid named Joel on a date. We went to High School together, and he was DEFINITELY one of the populars. It felt insane. I felt insane for even asking him. A year ago, I would have LAUGHED at you openly if you told me that I would be going on a date with him, much less because I asked him. It went well, but it was definitely a "just friends" situation. Nothing too fancy. But I had a really good time.
I stayed up and watched a couple episodes of Grey's, and read a few chapters of my book. (which I finished today)
So I didn't go to bed until around 1:30 AM. And I had to wake up and be ready and at the stake center for the temple dedication by 7:45AM. So not much sleeping going on last night. After that, I finished season 8 of Grey's (OH MY FREAKING HECK), I finished the book I was reading last night, and then I took a four hour nap. When I woke up, my mom and I took dinner to my favorite young women's leaders family, since she just had a baby (approx. one week ago) and she is just the cutest little thing in the world. I just love her. Oh my gosh. (I've been getting a tiny bit baby hungry lately, and I really shouldn't be.)
So, overall, a really good, and really busy week. Man, oh man.

"All I really need is to Breathe"

I've been listening to a lot of He is We lately. And it's actually a little depressing (The new stuff that I guess is really just old demos. Plus the new EP), but so beautiful. So... I guess it all evens out.
I want some motion. I want to love someone. Not in the, "You're my family, I love you." or "You're my best friend, I love you." ways. I want to love a boy. I want to be one of those girls. I guess I always have been, but I've been really good at hiding it. I pretended like it was okay. I pretended like it wasn't a big deal. But inside, I'm hopeless. I'm romantic. I've been longing to love.
It's hard. To find someone that fits. Someone that understands you exactly, the first time. Someone that you feel so comfortable around that you can act like a total dork. It's hard. And it doesn't help that I've read countless books that either raise my hopes WAY too high, or make me hate all of men-kind and make it hard to think that I could trust one of them with my heart. Boys are complicated. And scary in a not-so-scary way. Scary because they are unknown (to me). All the guys I've ever gotten close to... well... they're gay. So. It's kind of different.
Lately, "love" has been on my mind more than anything else. And I'm getting sick of it being only on my mind, and not in my reality. But... it's kind of my fault. In a way.
I feel awkward. I feel insecure. I feel confident. I feel too "straightforward". I feel like people are too intimidated by me. I feel like it'll never happen sometimes. But at other times, I'm so full of hope that I can't believe nothing has happened yet. My emotions that I keep locked away inside of me are contradictory. I don't know how to make sense of them.
This whole post probably makes little sense. But it's fitting. Because I can barely make sense of my own thoughts. All the ones that I can't bear to share with you. I don't understand them a lot of the time. I don't know how to arrange them in a way that's logical.
I guess all I really need... is to BREATHE. That's the advice I gave my best friend today before he went on his first date with a guy. He was so super nervous. I told him to breathe and that everything would be okay. Really. It would all work out. But once the focus was no longer on their date, it turned back to me. And my dealings with boys (that really don't even exist). And how we could finangle (not a real word) this guy into a date. Not that it's too much of a stretch, but, you know. He finally responded to a facebook message suggesting that he ask me on a date with "I'll think about it". Those four words are almost as hard to hear as a flat out "No." It means I have to wait more, wait longer. It also means that I have a foot in the door. It means that he's thinking about me. It means possibility.
I need distractions. That was my best friend's advice to me (the one I told to breathe). I don't know how to distract myself from this. It's hard. I obsess. I worry. I make myself crazy. It's just what I do. I like to know all the facts. I like to know things I didn't know before. Why do you think I've known almost every detail of the female (and male for that matter) reproductive system since fifth grade? The second I learned the tiniest thing about this mysterious "period" that happens every month, I had to know ALL of it.
Well, I think this post has pretty much come full circle (in my head, at least). So, I hope you didn't fall asleep.

Cheers,
Reille K.

Minnesota Recap!

I know, I know. It's been a while since I got back from Minnesota. But, I have pictures! I really have like 300+ pictures, so I've chosen a few of my favorites from each "event". The formatting might be weird, but you can just deal with it. That week was just what I needed, at just the right time. As stupid as this sounds, it really helped me grow up. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the pictures, even though they aren't as good as experiencing it for yourself!

Mt. Rushmore, it was smaller than you would think, but still AMAZING.

South Dakota Sunset. Absolutely beautiful.

This is Nickelodean Universe. It's a theme park INSIDE the Mall of America. 

Polar Bear! Proof that their tongues are BLUE. And definitely a highlight of the zoo. 

Oh, Sparky the seal. He was so cute! 

This is also in the Mall of America. It's a minotaur made out of LEGO'S! 

Gorgeous little Bonzai tree from Como Zoo.

Ahhh, delicious pizza from Pizzeria Lola's. Prosciutto. Is. Yummy.

Minnehaha Falls. It was beautiful. 

Sculpture Garden. It was fantastic. This is super famous! :)

This is where Joey spends most of his time. He's an odd cat. :)

Minneapolis (..or St. Paul) skyline. Legit city! 

Butterfly House at the State Fair! It was so great! 

 

Butterfly House. I loved it! This guy was especially pretty. 

Buffalo Wild Wings, of course. Delicious as always. 

St. Paul, Minnesota Temple. It was SO SMALL. Which was weird for me. 

Gelato. One of them is GOLDFISH flavored. It really tasted like it! 

It's like Denny's/Village Inn, but SO much better! And Utah is the only place that doesn't have them!!! Dumb. So tasty. 

Sideways stoplights in Nebraska. North Platte, to be exact. Don't go there, not even McDonald's is worth it. 

As much fun as it was, it was good to get home to this beaut. Ahh, real mountains! I missed them dearly. 

P.S. Nebraska is my least favorite state of them all. I've now officially been to Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota... and I guess Wyoming, but I've been there before this trip. Woohoo!

You Make Me Feel Like Daaancin'!

That was stuck in my head for the last two hours of work tonight. Thanks, Michele.

So... there is this guy that I'm interested in, and my friend has been encouraging me to "get on that" (his words, not mine). But, I don't know, I feel like anything I say to him will be completely awkward and I just... feel like a super dork every time he's around. Now that I've voiced my... desire, for lack of a better word, I feel like there are strings attached. I can't just be normal anymore, because I want something that isn't normal for me. I may seem like I can talk to people and I'm fine, which I can in most cases... but males that are my age... they get me every time. (Unless of course it's one of my two besties with testes. But somehow it was always different with them.)

I don't know... I just feel like this guy is different. I actually have a really weird history with him. We were in the same Kindergarten class, and then he disappeared off the face of the earth only to show up again 12 years later. And I vividly remember having a crush on him then too! It feels almost... surreal how this has all worked out. I feel like I have had a few opportunities to be more than just work acquaintances, as in friends, and every time I just clam up and revert back to my awkward phase when I couldn't even look at guys when I talked to them. I mean, I'm sure no one else notices this or thinks that at all, but on the inside, I just feel like I'm going to die. Don't get me wrong, at this point I feel like it's more of an overly extreme excitement. But... it's killer.

I just don't want to end up like 25 and still unmarried. Immortalizing those that I once thought the world of as demons made of strokes and serifs. I don't think I would be able to handle that at all.

Basically, I've just been loathing my awkwardness lately. And I just want it to go away. And I just want to be the girl I am in all my daydreams. I'm sorry One Direction, but tonight, I'm one of THOSE girls. And tonight, I'll be falling asleep, alone with my thoughts and dreams of not being alone anymore. I look forward to that day more than anything else.

P.S. We got the footie pajamas in at work, and they have SHARK ones! I MUST get some. They would be incredibly hot, but I don't care. I love them already. And I can justify spending $24.99 on them. I really can't... But I want to.

"And I'll kick her, sir."

First off, can anyone name that movie? :) Okay, back to my point...
I want to be, for once, the one someone is scared of losing. It might seem selfish, but it's true. I've spent so much energy worrying about losing the people I like, or thought I like, best in the world and I still lose them anyway. And I'm not even all too fond of the person they seem to think I am, or, more likely, the person I become when I'm around them. It's as if they have a permanent picture of who I am and what I'm like in their head, but it's who I was in like, tenth grade. It gets on my nerves a bit, I want to talk about a specific instance that this happened that has changed my life, for the better.
One night, my friend and I were talking about how our seminary graduations went (which teacher came to ours, who spoke, who was on seminary council for our stakes, etc.). When she, one of my best friends, told me that she could NEVER see me on seminary council, I knew I wasn't living right. I wasn't allowing (somehow) my spiritual side to bleed into all the facets of my life, as it should. And I get it, a little. She and I would always complain to each other about our respective responsibilities in the church, because that's what best friends are for. They are the one you go to to complain about the things that bug you. And I guess I only ever complained in front of her, and we never had any real gospel moments. Somehow, I turned into a different person inside the seminary building, and this friend obviously couldn't see that. And the fact that she couldn't see me on seminary council hurt me more than I expected it to. I never really wanted to be on seminary council, but it's not as if that was because I couldn't see myself on it. It broke my heart to hear that.
So, this summer, I've been trying to get my act together. I'm trying to be the same girl on all fronts. I'm trying to be the girl I was in seminary ALL the time. I suppose I just needed a kick in the face to get myself going; for me to realize that I had gotten pushed off course much farther than I thought somewhere along the way. I want SO badly to be the woman God intends me to be. And I don't think I'm even CLOSE right now. But that's part of why we're here, isn't it? So we can make mistakes, realize all this, and tweak ourselves until we are finally good enough to be back in His presence. {I have the biggest urge to refer to Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter right now, but I won't.} None of us are perfect yet, we all have SOMETHING to work on, big or small. And as I strive to become better, I hope that you're doing the same. There's always room for a little more good in the world.

Cheers,
Reille K. :)