Upside down.

My whole world has been turned upside down. I don't even know what to think about our newest revelation in this morning's session of General Conference.

On one hand, I feel like a mission is a good idea. I mean, I went back to visit my favorite seminary teacher a few weeks ago, and he told me to read the chapter in his book (yeah, the man has written a book. What a stud, right?) especially for sisters. And I just kept putting it off and putting it off, until I finally just grabbed the book and headed for the bath tub (don't think I'm weird, but I do all my best reading in the tub... I'm not the only one and you know it). I devoured that chapter, and started feeling like it could be possible for me. I've never seriously considered it, but this week, it's been on the brain.

Let's rewind a few years to the night I got my Patriarchal Blessing (I'm not positive if that's a thing that you capitalize like a proper noun, but let's be honest, if it isn't, it should be). As those of you who have gotten yours know, the Patriarch generally chats a little bit with you when you first get there. I mean, he's wouldn't just bring you into his home, give you direct revelation from your Heavenly Father, and send you on your way if you're just some random that happens to live in his stake boundaries. And my Patriarch (Patriarch Peay, he's seriously the cutest, little old man ever) was just chattin' away and telling us some stories (his stories are the best, and he tells them ALL the time) and in the middle of his story, he turned to me and asked if I was going on a mission. Well, I was sixteen and it had never even crossed my mind. I could barely fathom graduating high school, much less think about what I would be doing when I was 21.

And over the years, I've had a few instances where a seminary teacher or... okay, mostly just seminary teachers, would mention something in class that would pique my attention and get me thinking about it for a little bit, but eventually it would just get crowded out with all the math, science, and stupidity of most of the subjects I took in high school (that I KNOW for sure, that I will never use. Calculus? Never. Psychologists don't need no math [or grammar, apparently ;) double negative...]).

And I'll be honest. Completely honest. Going on a mission? It FREAKS ME OUT. More than anything else. Possibly even more than spiders. Which I could encounter huge, scary, flesh eating spiders on my mission if I were to go somewhere outside the U.S. When I've thought about it after high school (so like, the past few months... ) it just sends me into a panic and I push the thought away so I don't hyperventilate and die (not that I associate going on a mission with death, even though it kind of sounds that way a little...).

I have an irrational fear of failure. And disappointing people. I can't do it. That's why I secluded myself all the time through Jr. High and High School when my family was just sitting around talking. I went down to my room and struggled through my math homework (math was obviously my worst subject, I feel like I've said it a lot in this post) or read those chapters for english, or did my chemistry homework. I COULD NOT get a low grade. The first time I failed a test in AP U.S. History, I cried. Literally cried. I lost it (granted, I was a sophomore then, and since I've found better, more healthy ways to cope with things). This goes hand in hand with the fear of disappointment. I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in my grades or ANYTHING. That's why I was such a goody two-shoes in High School. I mean, I still went out and had fun, but I kept away from hanging out with a few people because I knew my parents wouldn't approve, or at least, that's what I thought. I've given myself some room now, because somewhere along the way, I realized how unhealthy I was being about them. It could have even been in Psychology when we talked about fears and mental health and such.

Anyway, back to the mission thing. I think I'm just so scared to fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I'm scared to miss my family and my friends too much. I'm scared that I won't be enough. I'm scared that I won't make a difference. I'm scared that I'm too shy when it comes to sharing my testimony. I'm scared that my relationship with Heavenly Father isn't strong enough. I'm just plain scared.

This announcement from the prophet this morning has just sent me into crazy mode. I feel like it would be good. I feel like I COULD do some good. But, then I think back to those thoughts in the paragraph above. It just... it scares me. A lot. I KNOW it would be good for me. I KNOW that I would be great. I KNOW everything would work out and be absolutely amazing. It's just the getting there and making myself do something that I have almost no knowledge about really.

30 Day Challenge

It's happening. I'm reading the Book of Mormon in 30 DAYS. It's tough, I'll tell ya that. But, oh my goodness, it is VERY worth it. Already in the past... since yesterday morning, I'm understanding more and making connections on my own. It's like a crash seminary course, all by yourself (when I say 'all by yourself', I mean, no seminary teacher there feeding you the answers or even there to give you any answers, y'know?)
Honestly, I've only had one or two periods where I actually read the scriptures EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So I think that could be why I feel so darn lazy when I had to read 10 whole chapters yesterday. But, I really feel like this is what I should be doing. This is a good way to kick start the habit, as well as cement it into my daily life. If you do something for fifteen to thirty days in a row, it becomes a habit (apparently). I'm so excited to see who I am after this experience. Hopefully, I'm WAY closer to who I'm meant to be than who I am right now. Not that I'm a bad person or anything (at least, I don't think I'm a bad person) I just have a lot of things that I REALLY needed to work on. Really. Two of them being: {1} Prayer and {2} Reading my scriptures. And ironically, those two things help A LOT with the third thing I really needed to be done with (sorry, it's not really blog appropriate, kinda personal, and I'd really rather not). Those two things give me a strength that I don't know I've ever quite felt before. I've never been much of a pray-er, which I HATE to admit. And it's something I've been struggling with... all my adolescent life. It's not like I don't WANT to pray, I just sometimes (most times) have no clue what to say and I feel silly because a lot of the time, my problems sound so stupid when I whisper them aloud. I know that it's dumb to feel this way too, and I know that God really wants to hear about them and help me. But still. I'm workin' on it. :) 

On to my actual process with the 30 day challenge. 

I start with a prayer. Always. It helps bring the Spirit and I feel it gives me the extra push (probably since I always pray for the motivation to keep this going for the full thirty days). I try to pick out any 'lists' or meanings of the parables/visions and write them in a notebook I keep next to me. Which, I think is very important. KEEP A WRITING UTENSIL AND PAPER OF SOME SORT OPEN AND READY TO WRITE THINGS DOWN. It shows that you're ready to record when inspiration hits. When I kept up that regimen in seminary and actually took notes, I got SO much more out of the lessons than I did when I slacked off and studied for my AP Psych test/did math homework/mythology homework/anything else really. I write down things that I find important to the story line of the scriptures, (yes, there's a story line, I always knew it was there, but now I'm ACTUALLY seeing it for myself). And at the very end, I write down "A QUESTION FOR THE HEAVENS". Which, is a question that, after having read that particular section, I want to ask one of the people involved when I meet them in heaven, whether it relates directly to what happened, or how they felt about something, or why it was them in particular, or what. It helps me to think more deeply about what's happening and relate better. I want to understand, which is a bog part of this whole thing. UNDERSTANDING THE SCRIPTURES. I don't think anyone really treats the scriptures as {books} necessarily. I mean, obviously they are BOOKS. But we would never read them like we read other pieces of literature (i.e. Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, ... Twilight, etc.) And I'm really loving this way of reading them. More like a BOOK. Even if there are times when I zone out a little bit because each section feels so long, or whatever, I'm still getting so much more out of it. 

"And I'll kick her, sir."

First off, can anyone name that movie? :) Okay, back to my point...
I want to be, for once, the one someone is scared of losing. It might seem selfish, but it's true. I've spent so much energy worrying about losing the people I like, or thought I like, best in the world and I still lose them anyway. And I'm not even all too fond of the person they seem to think I am, or, more likely, the person I become when I'm around them. It's as if they have a permanent picture of who I am and what I'm like in their head, but it's who I was in like, tenth grade. It gets on my nerves a bit, I want to talk about a specific instance that this happened that has changed my life, for the better.
One night, my friend and I were talking about how our seminary graduations went (which teacher came to ours, who spoke, who was on seminary council for our stakes, etc.). When she, one of my best friends, told me that she could NEVER see me on seminary council, I knew I wasn't living right. I wasn't allowing (somehow) my spiritual side to bleed into all the facets of my life, as it should. And I get it, a little. She and I would always complain to each other about our respective responsibilities in the church, because that's what best friends are for. They are the one you go to to complain about the things that bug you. And I guess I only ever complained in front of her, and we never had any real gospel moments. Somehow, I turned into a different person inside the seminary building, and this friend obviously couldn't see that. And the fact that she couldn't see me on seminary council hurt me more than I expected it to. I never really wanted to be on seminary council, but it's not as if that was because I couldn't see myself on it. It broke my heart to hear that.
So, this summer, I've been trying to get my act together. I'm trying to be the same girl on all fronts. I'm trying to be the girl I was in seminary ALL the time. I suppose I just needed a kick in the face to get myself going; for me to realize that I had gotten pushed off course much farther than I thought somewhere along the way. I want SO badly to be the woman God intends me to be. And I don't think I'm even CLOSE right now. But that's part of why we're here, isn't it? So we can make mistakes, realize all this, and tweak ourselves until we are finally good enough to be back in His presence. {I have the biggest urge to refer to Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter right now, but I won't.} None of us are perfect yet, we all have SOMETHING to work on, big or small. And as I strive to become better, I hope that you're doing the same. There's always room for a little more good in the world.

Cheers,
Reille K. :)

The first of many endings. And super fun nights. And other things.

Yesterday was my last day of real High School. 
It was slightly depressing, just because it's the unofficial end of an era. 
After this weekend it's all senior activities and finals and things. 
You know, it's CRAZY.
And it's also, WEIRD. 




Ooh, another thing to talk about...
Last night.
My friends and I went to see "This means War". It was just as delightful as I expected it to be. We decided to go to Target and check out the remodel, which was also delightful. We walked all around the store and had a generally good time. We didn't know where to go next so we went for a cruise. We ended up at Lindon Park and we were GOING to hang out there for a bit, buuuut, as we were pulling up there was a super creepy homeless guy smoking and we drove away screaming a little bit. 


We then tried to find Discovery Park. We found it, buuuuut, it was super creepy at night too. The PG cemetery is on the way there and my friends thought it would be fun to walk through it at night. Weirdos. :) We found out that Jane was unbusy and decided to creep on her. We accidentally scared the crap out of her parents and drove away and such and went to Bonneville Park. [holy fetch, there are a lot of parks in this story.] Chels decided it would be hilarious to drive "out of sight" when Amanda and I were in the bathroom. Too bad for her she didn't drive far enough that we couldn't see her and we sneaked up on them and TOTALLY scared her. HA! It was one of the best moments of the night. :) We then went back to Jane's and picked her up... Hopefully her parents weren't too upset with us! 


Chelsea then drove us to Provo because there was something she wanted to show us. She wouldn't tell us WHAT it was. Or really WHERE it was. We then got kinda lost and witnessed the Police interrogating a super drunk guy. Like, too drunk to stand up. And we finally found it. A GIANT Christus Statue in someone's front yard. Chels tells us that it's generally lit up and even more weird. WOW. Also, in the entire amount of time we were in Provo, we saw 7 or 8 people pulled over. Woah. A lot of people were super unlucky or really stupid last night. 


All in all, it was a lot of fun. And a good change from our usual, sitting at someone's house and watching a movie. With the occasional hot tubbing. :)


GOOD TIMES. :)


Also, last day of Seminary on Thursday. It was super sad and we just had Testimony meeting. Which was absolutely amazing. Loooooved it! I totally cried. I started crying even before I got up there, LAME. But everyone said they super loved my testimony and such, which was nice to hear. I'm glad that my little testimony, my nugget of knowledge about the gospel, is inspiring to people. :D


Also, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE STARTS ON THURSDAY! I CAN'T WAIT! AHHHHHHHHHH!


Also [last also. :)] Felice and Nate are coming. THIS WEEK! I'm super duper excited. Like, borderline crazy, excited. It will be grand! YAY! 


Okay, I'm done now. 


xoxo, 
    Reille K. :)

too many to count. :)

Remember how I couldn't decide what to blog about? Now I have a whole big list of things to say. I would make this really fancy and spend a ton of time on it, but alas, I'm going to a movie in approximately two hours. Ha! 

First: I wrote this in my journal on sunday and it seemed like a good thing to share, especially with my seminary buddies. 
Spiritual Death and Spiritual Rebirth. To be truly converted to Christ, and be able to really come to know Him, we must have a spiritual death. And from this death comes a rebirth. Once you know your lowest low, you can rise to you highest high and be forever converted to the gospel. Everyone has a conversion to the gospel, whether they grew up in the church or not. At one point or another, each and every member has a conversion and is able to come to know the Savior and the Heavenly love that surrounds them at all times. 
This this spiritual rebirth is generally when a lot of people, not all, but a lot, have their conversion. A conversion is that moment when you think to yourself, "This is the GREATEST feeling EVER. I don't know where I would be without this church and I know, without a doubt, that I never want to leave it," and make that silent vow to never sin again. We all make this vow at one point, be it at Girl's Camp, Scout Camp, EFY, or possibly even on your mission. And this vow, is going to be broken. None of us are perfect yet. That's what we are here for. We are here working towards perfection so as to enable us to live with God and Jesus Christ once more.
Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are those who have a gradual conversion. These are those who can't necessarily chalk up their surety of the gospel to one significant moment, but are still able to proclaim to others that they know the truthfulness of the gospel and believe in Christ. This type of conversion is just as wonderful as the big moment conversion, maybe some could perceive it as more wonderful, as this conversion gives more little memories that taste so sweet (yes, memories have flavors, think about it. There are sweet memories, bitter memories, salty memories, etc.). The only thing that really matters is that WE ARE CONVERTED. Most important part. 
Now, if you've had your conversion, and have gone on to lose sight of your goals and your spirituality has dipped down, don't fret. That's what repentance is for! Once you're able to rediscover that desire in your heart, you've taken  the first step towards getting back on the path, which is a great little metaphor for life, when you think about it. Paths can be smooth, bumpy, rocky, there could be thorns, and other various adjectives that are often used to describe paths. Life is the same way. 


It doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there.


Second: This is a baby one. But really not, as it pertains to my future... I was officially accepted to UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY!!!!! I'm now an Aggie! I'm sooooooo excited. So so so excited. I can't wait! :)


I'll work on the other subjects, they have pictures and things. :) Plus, I'm super tired. Ice skating takes a lot out of you, especially when you can't do it. 

here we are.

So, today was just another day at school, I learned a whole bunch (as always) and some things were completely just... odd. To say the least. Creation Myth? Look it up. Goddess' are born from cut off genitalia. Always fun, right? Anyways, that was Mythology and after that, I did something... completely rude. I told my friend she was being really judgmental and then I walked away. I felt horrible for a little bit, but I guess everything was pretty okay after we had both had about an hour apart. So then I went to Seminary. And that's where the fun began.


I walk in and sit down with my scriptures and everything, and my friend Tori comes in to join our class for the day, and class starts, no big deal. Well, my teacher has this thing during devotional called "G.I.A." which stands for Gospel In Action. And usually there are about 3-ish people who volunteer to be written on the board as for sure going to share. But today, there were about... seven? Or maybe more. Either way, I felt the Spirit so strongly during each and every one of them, and I thought back to last night. While I was doing my homework, I had this thought that I should stop and read my patriarchal blessing, but I didn't and just kept doing my homework. Tori talked about heeding the promptings of the Spirit. This past weekend, there was alot going on in the family department, and three or four people talked about their family. It was unreal how everything that other people were sharing, had something to do with the things that had been happening in my life lately. Then we went over some business type things, and Brother Christiansen started his little mini lesson for the day and we talked about how one person can make or break a seminary class. My sophomore year, during first semester, that person was a senior named Charles Thurber. He was amazing and shared almost every single day, his spirit was insane... he was just one of those guys that you can see going on a mission and totally rocking it. He helped me so much and in so many ways, that I can't even think of them all. But anyways, during that sophomore year, I promised myself that I would be that senior someday. 
I'm a senior today, and I have already broken that promise. I haven't gotten up to share at all this year. I've been totally slacking on scripture reading and prayer, and as a result of that, I feel that my life has been crazier than it should be. This weekend, I'm going to make a significant effort to turn things around and become that senior again. And feel that I am in the position to help others, and share the things that I have learned. 
Also, I want to start ending each post with a quote or two, so here are a few... couple. :)

                    "God works in mysterious ways, but so does the devil,".


   What is the use of living if it be not to strive
   for noble causes and to make this muddled world
   a better place to live in after we are gone. ---Winston Churchill