why I don't subscribe to the Facebook lifestyle.

I rarely get on Facebook. And when I do, I leave feeling unfulfilled with my life and being a little sad about some of the choices that I have made. Why? Because I didn't go the traditional route. I didn't have a million friends in high school. And I didn't go to college right after graduation. And I didn't go on a mission. I'm not planning on going on a mission. I didn't meet tons of new friends in my college classes or dorm. I didn't get married before I had been out of high school for three years. And I definitely don't have a baby yet. I've still never even been kissed or had a boyfriend. 

Instead, I had every friend from high school fall out of my life. I started working at a dead end job for two years and I met the best friend that I have ever had there. One that I love enough to have moved out of my parents house for (I wouldn't and won't do that for... Anyone else. Except someone that I have hitched myself to for the rest of eternity). I've fallen in and out of love with the Gospel. I've had my ups and downs. I've had a few terrible dating experiences. And no good ones. I've gotten scars -- physical, emotional, and mental scars. I've grown and discovered things about myself that I wouldn't have unless my life had unfolded exactly the way that it has. 

But when I get on Facebook... And I see the pathways that everyone elses lives have taken them down... And I compare it to the pathway that I have been on... that's just it. I compare my journey to everyone else's when I get on Facebook. And I hate that. I can't stop doing it. Because it's human nature. That's become the norm of our society. Constantly comparing our everything to the "specifically engineered for the Internet" parts of everyone else's life. The only thing I can do is avoid it. And I'm honestly okay with that. Because why am I wasting time on the Internet when I can be off living my life instead?! I mean, I love the Internet as much as the next gal, but, I don't want to live there. 

So, I've been thinking about deleting my Facebook. Have any of you done it before? I've done a few social media fasts, and I still refuse to download Facebook back onto my phone... But, to completely delete my profile? It just seems like... A lot of things that I would be getting rid of. Although, it would completely purge my friends list of all those people that I never actually talked to in Jr. High and high school. And get rid of all those stupid, stupid things that I "became a fan" of, back when that was a thing. But, I would have to re-friend people, and build it back up, and I would lose all the über cringe-worthy posts from Jr. High, that are always good for a laugh. I don't know... I doubt that I will ever actually delete my profile, because I've thought about it a lot for about two years and still haven't. But, the thought is there. For now, I think I'll just keep not using it. That sounds like the best plan. :)

I'll keep loving and living with the choices that I've made that have gotten me to where I am today and try to stop comparing my journey to everyone else's. 

Cheers, 

Reille K. :) 

jessica, my darling. :)

I've discovered that one of my most favorite gifts I can give someone, is to talk about how much I love them publicly. I don't do it very often, and I'm not going to go crazy and make it really long, because our relationship is special and I want to keep it all for myself, because I'm selfish like that. :)

As most of you know, I have a bestie named Jessica Price. When I met Jessica, I was in a pretty dark place, emotionally. I didn't realize how bad it was until I was dragged out of that hole. I don't think she will ever know just how much she saved me. It started out as a co-worker who I could fan-girl over One Direction with... But somewhere along the way, she became one of the most important people I my life. She's the first person I've ever been able to cry in front of - really cry - with snot streaming down my face and my feelings slipping past my blubbering lips. She's the only person I this world who knows all my secrets. She reminds me that I was smart and beautiful and worth loving - even when I feel most un-loveable. 

Jessica is one of the most extraordinary beings I have ever crossed paths with. She has forever changed my life; she has a way of doing that, changing people's lives. She has a way of being there for anyone, and sometimes (it feels like) everyone. It can be difficult to share her sometimes, but I can't really blame them. She is a precious gem, and I say that in the least sarcastic way possible. I don't deserve a friend like her, but I am very thankful that I have her. I have a difficult time believing that the people I love (outside of my family, they are stuck with me), are not going to leave me. In the past that's how it has always been. No one has stuck around. But I just know, that no matter where Jess and I end up, together or apart, we will always be friends. 

Love you, Bestie Jess.

XOXO, 

Gossip Girl

Cheers, 

     Reille K. :) 

the spark.

I've been thinking a lot lately about New Years and resolutions. And all the hullabaloo surrounding both of those things. I've definitely partaken in the mindset of "New Year, New Me" and made a bunch of resolutions and gotten as far as six months into the year and felt so discouraged and disappointed in myself because I didn't make it the entire year. But this year is a little different. I was looking at my Timehop the other day (a pretty recent addition to my app collection) and I realized how VASTLY different my life and my Self are, in comparison to just one year ago. And how the resolutions that I made at the beginning of the year, which, I honestly have no idea what they even were, may not really have applied to me as my life changed throughout the year. And this New Years, I didn't feel that spark... that resides in that spot between your rib cage and your stomach? Where the exhilarated scream comes from when you ride a really good roller coaster? Or jump off a cliff into the water? That spark of hope, new beginnings, exhilaration, and change... It wasn't there this year. I still haven't found it. It's kind of funny to me that the entire world has the ability to feel this spark all together, once a year, and it's the time of year that majority of people make resolutions and don't keep them. I also think it's funny that people think that the shift from one minute to the next, indicating the new year, is going to make them become this new person that is immediately ABLE to tackle ALL things that they couldn't last year, changing at once all of their innate characteristics. It makes me feel like the spark might be a lie. And also that people are a little kooky. 

Don't get me wrong, resolutions are great, and cheers to you if you actually make them. Because, let's be real, you have to reflect and realize what your weaknesses are, in order to make resolutions. And that in and of itself is a very healthy exercise, in my opinion. Deciding what it is that you need to do to improve those weaknesses, and change them to strengths, make yourself a better you, that is also very healthy, in my opinion. Trying to tackle all of these problems all at the same time and solve every single mystery of why you are the way you are, and do things the way you do them., all at the same time... that feels like it may not be the healthiest choice. In my opinion. ;) It could also be why no one ever keeps their New Years Resolutions. Just a thought. 

My dad and I were discussing resolutions the other day, and he said, "Why are we basing our desire to change and improve on the Roman calendar so much?" And it's totally true! Every day is the start of a new year, if we're going to get a bit philosophical (and I am). Every DAY, every WEEK, every MONTH is a fresh start, a chance to turn over a new leaf. We don't have to wait for New Years to have resolutions to improve ourselves. We can literally start any day and have a chance at a fresh start, a new beginning. Clean slate. Blank canvas.

Along with the timing of resolutions, I also think that a year is a really loooooong time. Like I said before, I bet the resolutions I made at the beginning of last year wouldn't even apply to me anymore. Along with my inability to something every single day for a whole year probably... I think that year long goals (apart from the super general types, like "Be healthier" or "Be more giving", etc.) are just... To big a chunk of time. And also, how daunting?! It freaks people out, I think. And that's part of why we lazy humans have a hard time keeping our New Years resolutions. So here is the solution I came up with for myself...

Try setting goals for a week. Two weeks. A month. Sometimes, you may have the same goal for weeks at a time. But, each week that you accomplish one more week of it, it's not just another tick mark towards your end goal, it's the shiny star sticker at the end! And I don't know about you. But when I accomplish something, it pumps me up! Giving me more energy and motivation for the next goal/project/week. You already have that sense of accomplishment there, so if you mess up one week and fall off the wagon, the whole thing isn't shot. Just the one week. Also, you'll feel better equipped, I think, to tackle the task ahead of you. 

This year, I'm not making a list of resolutions. I'm making a single resolution, kind of, that is really going to be more of a mantra. "Be a better Me." I'm going to try to make weekly goals. And maybe I will have some of the same goals for weeks at a time, maybe they will change every time. But, I feel like I can totally do something really hard for a week. I can probably do it for two. And then 3. And so on and so forth. Also, this way I can see what my life looks like at that moment, and decide if I need to improve in one area over another and really focus in on specific things. Also, I think it will help cultivate that spark of change and hope in me a bit more. And it seems like it will fit me better to be more specific and focused with my goals. And it will be great.

Good luck with all your goals and resolutions, friends!

Cheers,

Reille K. :)

looking back on 2014

I sat down the other day to start planning this post because it's a staple post, in my opinion, and not one that you just sit down and let flow. It's a staple post not just for blogging purposes, but for life in general. It's good to not only sit and reflect on the past year as it comes to a close, but to write it down to be able to look back on so you can remember what even happened each year! Plus, it's fun to see your whole year written down. It reminds you of so many things that happened. 

2014 turned out to be a pretty big year for me, in terms of "game-changers", if you will.  So many big life events happened, this was the year that I feel like I turned into a real-life grown up.

The beginning of the year was a little rocky with my little Albus being ran into TWICE in the span of one month. Having to spend my entire (minus about $24) tax return on an insurance deductible to get Albus fixed? That totally sucked. It was very lucky, and totally a blessing that my tax return was *just* enough--but still. It was definitely a lesson in insurance claims. Which came in handy later on... :)

In April, I got to go on my first road trip with 1) someone not in my family, 2) with my own car, 3) with my best friend, 4) to somewhere I had never been before [VEGAS!!!]. It was seriously a fantastic weekend. One where I took entirely too many pictures, that I will absolutely never use. One where I got hit on by Merlin in front of at least a hundred people, then the next night we got hit on by beautiful Irish men. I got to spend 4 days straight with my bestie, and we talked about how we were going to be working at Target probably for the rest of our lives (exaggeration is one of our combined specialties) or at least the whole summer. And how I was going to live at home with my parents and we were gong to go on so many adventures together. Little did we know...

About a week after we got home from Vegas, I was driving home from work and my dad texted me to get my resume ready. There was a job opening at his work that he thought I would be perfect for. Was I looking for a job? Not even a little. Did I jump at the chance to maybe not work at Target anymore? Hells yes. I researched and slaved over how to write a great resume. And that, combined with my slightly above average writing skills got me a pretty rockin' resume, if I do say so myself. I had my first interview two days after I sent it in. And my second interview with the Executive team a week after that (Not intimidating AT ALL, by the way, to just casually meet with three dudes who run an entire company and are super profesh and all suited up). A phone call about an hour and a half later and less than two weeks after I had just got back from vacation, I had the opportunity to QUIT Target. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Believe me, I was terrified. I would have to leave the comfortable little nest I had built at Target- all the humans that were part of my daily life, that I would no longer see. My daily routine, my expertise and very specific knowledge of "all things Target", all gone in an instant. To go work at an insurance company where I knew next to nothing about anything. I didn't know anyone there, except my dad. I had to learn not only how to do a new job, but all the information that goes along with it... SO MUCH CHANGE. But I did it. Even though I was scared. Even though I knew it was going to be hard. Because it was the right thing for ME. And I have never once regretted that decision. 

About a month after I got the new job, Jessica and I started hunting for an apartment. Her family was moving to Colorado, and she wanted to stay here (thank goodness, I don't know what I would do without that girl!), and since I was making more money, and she was making more money, it was all totally possible for us to live on our own. We searched and searched for an apartment. From the beginning I said NO BASEMENTS. I ended up conceding a little and we checked one or two out and they were AWFUL, and totally proved my point. We were starting to feel defeated. And we started to feel the time crunch. We needed to find a place to live before Jessica's family left. We walked into an apartment that was being shown by this kind of crazy, super frazzled lady, and we both loved it immediately. We knew it was the one. We applied right there on the spot. And the girl said that she would go in the next day even though it was a holiday and process it for us. It felt like it was all coming together so perfectly. Then she called us the day after and said she didn't think anyone would go in over the holiday but they did. And that someone had snatched it out from under us. We were devastated. And you know me, I was LIVID. "You had one job! Don't make promises you don't intend to keep!" A couple days later though, we got a call from another lady saying that the other people fell through and that if we wanted it, it was ours. Uhh, duh! It all happened so fast. We immediately had to get deposits and sign things and get the power set up... So many "grown up" things in just a couple days... But by the end of that week, we were checking in for the next year. We had a place of our own. We had to buy things like toilet paper, and our own food. We had to pay for Internet and power. And all the responsibilities happened all at once. It was one of the scariest things that I had ever done. In no time, I had moved all of my boxes one day, and the next my dad and I moved my furniture and my clothes. When I was leaving my parents house to spend my first night in my new home, I cried as I pulled away. Even though I moved less than ten minutes away... The weight of what was happening really hit me. I was on my own. I mean, obviously if I need help, my parents are right there, but you know what I mean. It was the first time in my entire life that I had MOVED, much less out of my parents house. I was scared and unsure that I would be able to do it. When I got home and unloaded my last load, I sat down in the middle of our un-put together apartment and just cried for twenty minutes. But then I told myself that I could totally do this! I can do hard things! I had my best friend by my side and we were going to tackle anyhting that life threw at us. Right after I moved out, I got another opportunity...

A position opened up at work and at first I wasn't going to apply because I had only been there for two months and who did I think I was applying for a higher position? But, as I discussed with my counsel of elders (and by that, I mostly mean my dad) I realized that no harm could come from just applying. If anything, it would just be that much more experience in interviewing. Which, I've been told that interview really well, but I just don't really believe that. Anyway, I got the promotion! I found out the day that we had a company wide Lagoon day, and it was absolutely perfect. Per usual for me, I felt super uncomfortable with all the congratulatory compliments and all that, but then I got to go spend the rest of the day chillin' with my best friend and having a blast. I didn't move over into my new position until about a month later, but from day one, I felt like it fit. Like I fit. And I've become friends with some of my favorite humans. And gotten closer to people that I never would have expected to be close to. And it's been absolutely wonderful. 

2014 gave me a best friendship that I cherish more than anything. Jessica and I are the "dream team", "Trouble and her friend". I could not have chosen a better person to go on this crazy adventure with. And we have both grow so much I these short 5 months that we have been living together. Our sink flooded our kitchen and Jessica handled the entire thing herself! It was actually super boss. And I am still so proud of her. I cannot even imagine my life without her. She probably doesn't think so, but she challenges me, and makes me step out of my comfort zone, she makes me better. And she loves me when I feel like no one should. She reminds me that I am worth it. She reminds me that it's okay to feel. And she lets me cry on her when I can't keep those feelings in any longer. She is the only thing that Target gave me that I am going to keep forever. :) 

2014 gave me so many responsibilities, opportunities, and challenges. It gave me my first real, true broken heart. It gave me stronger relationships with people I love, dearly. It gave me perspective. It gave me hope for the future, and what I have in store. 

2014 was kind of a scary year for me. But someone in my life said something that I decided was a little bit my mantra for this whole year... "It's so scary, but it feels so right." And it's true. Nothing that I did this year was easy, or normal; it was all at least a little terrifying. But it all felt so right. It all still feels so right.

2014 was a year for the books. But I can't wait to see what 2015 has up its sleeves. :) 

Happy New Years, friends. 

Cheers, 

Reille K. :) 

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Cheers, 

Reille K.

"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love..."

I feel like Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me something lately. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Until tonight. As myself and Cora had our usual decompress discussion after a ward activity, a phrase popped out of my mouth that surprised me. 

"Maybe I'm just not meant to find love... Love is meant to find me."

Which, is not to say that I can't make an effort. But, that I have to stop searching for it in every possible speck of interaction with people. I need to stop wishing and hoping that its "just around the next corner, I can feel it." And when it isn't, "oh the NEXT corner then." And being constantly disappointed and sad that I am alone and single. Or trying to convince myself that certain aspects of people that I probably am not actually attracted to, are not deal breakers, I could totally deal with that. 

This isn't to say that I dislike being single. I enjoy being alone, and having time to re-energize. I am an introvert after all, and alone time is ESSENTIAL to me being a happy, healthy individual. But, there is a stark difference to alone time, and being lonely. Alone time is chosen precious minutes or hours set aside where you can reacquaint with your thoughts and feelings. Being lonely is (often) bitter and agonizing time when you crave the presence of another human... Their touch, their embrace. Moments when you want nothing more than to feel another persons heart beating next to you. And sometimes, a friend just doesn't cut it. Not in the same way that a "lover" would. (I use the term "lover" loosely. Mostly meaning like, someone that wants to kiss your face sometimes, yeah?). And I wish so badly that I could turn it off every once in a while. 

This last General Conference, I went into it with a question in mind. Which, this was the first time I had ever done that. And that question was, "Heavenly Father, is there something specific that I need to be doing to find my husband? What do you want me to do?" And I got a few answers, mostly related to my personal progression in the Gospel, but I very firmly got a feeling of "Stop worrying so much about it. Just take a chill, it will happen when it's time. You'll know." 

If you know me well, or even semi-well, you know that I have a hard time not being in control. It's tough for me to not hold the reins with at least one hand. I don't like knowing that I have a surprise in store for me if I don't get to know what the surprise is within like, an hour. I like to keep things neat and organized because organized = control. And not knowing what's going on, stresses me out. So, you an imagine how hard it is for me to not know. Not know what or who God has in store for me. And it's hard when everyone around me wants it for me just as much as I do. 

I keep being told that I'm "a catch" and I think I am, but sometimes, it gets a little hard to believe that. It's hard to remember all the great things about myself when no humans of the male variety want to partake in these great things. Which, I think the phrasing of that makes me seem like I don't love myself, even though I do. I freaking rock. But, I just want a guy who wants to kiss my face and snuggle sometimes to think that I freaking rock too. 

Aaaand, circling back to the point... I want to stop looking for love. I want to let love find me. And even though it's probably going to be one of the harder things I've done emotionally, it's going to be worth it. Because he's out there somewhere. And maybe he needs to find me first for this to work. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 

Cheers,

     Reille K. :) 

the trunk labeled with your name.

I had to pack you away. I had to put you and us and all those memories in a trunk that I keep locked in the deepest parts of my heart. So that I could move on and stop feeling so sad and lonely without you in my life.

Try as I might, I still sit down with that trunk, sometimes. I still think about you. About what happened to us. About the good times, and the terrible times. About how you were the first person I loved so deeply outside of my family, who I would do anything for. I think about how I hope you're really, truly happy. I think about the pain I may have caused you, and if you think about me still. And I hope that I didn't affect you as much as you affected me. I hope that that wound healed. I hope that it has turned white with age. I hope that it didn't turn red and angry. I hope that when you think of me, you don't have angry feelings.

Because when I think of you, I feel sad. Sad for how it all turned out. Sad because I was so optimistic about us. And about who we would be to each other in the future. Sad because of the hole that you left, that sometimes feels like it still hasn't been filled. Sad because of the memories, but never sad enough to come back.

Because you were right. I wasn't the same person. I'm not the same person. Now, I love myself. Now, I know myself better than I ever have, I think. Now, I stick up for myself, because I know that I am worth it. I don't need someone else's validation anymore. And that has changed me. I know my purpose now. And I know how to be happy and fulfilled by myself. And that has changed me. 

I sometimes imagine seeing you at a store five years from now, or ten years, and stopping dead in my tracks. What would come next in that scene? Would I be wishing I could be anywhere but right there? Because the pain of seeing you again would probably be too much? Or maybe it will have been long enough that I will be excited to see you. And I would shout out your name down the aisle for everyone to hear. Will I want to sit there and chat and catch up, because I want to know that you're doing okay? That you're happy and fulfilled? Or will we feel obligated to politely greet each other as if we were not ever who we were to each other? Or... Will we simply not even recognize each other? Will we glance at each other as we pass and exchange a friendly smile, thinking to ourselves, "I know that person, don't I? I think I do... But from where? And from when?" 

Sometimes I imagine you calling me, and telling me that you're in town and you want to get together and catch up. And me saying yes, and instantly wishing that I could be that girl. Who wanted to revisit the past with someone else, and relive the glory days of our relationship. And meeting up with you and being miserable the whole time because I should have said no; I should have stayed away.  

I think about how I will tell our story to him. Whoever "him" might be. And what parts I will tell in the overview. And which parts I'll save for a little later. Or if I will even tell our story in one go, or just bits and pieces over time. I sometimes tell it to myself. Just to see. And it's different every time. Sometimes I am mournful over it. And sometimes I get angry. And sometimes, when im feeling extra vulnerable and sappy, I cry just a little.

I sometimes think about how I miss you. And I let myself sit there and miss you for a few hours, or a day, or a couple of days. And then, I open my eyes, and look around, taking in the world that I love in now. I pick myself up, brush myself off, close the lid of the trunk and lock it tight. I stand up straight, hold my head high, and I walk away from those thoughts and feelings and memories. 

Until next time.