assigning meaning. priorities.

Okay, I wrote this in my Notes on my phone IN SEPTEMBER. With the intention of posting it. Then completely forgot. But, I still want to put this out into the world, so I'm just going to leave this here for you. Whoever YOU are. :) 

So I do this thing where I assign SO MUCH meaning on something that is actually pretty insignificant. And assign NOT ENOUGH meaning to things that probably matter a little bit more. 

FOR EXAMPLE (pretend I'm cool enough to know how to make a gif of Hermione on the train with Ron and Harry from the first movie, saying this. That would go here.)

I gave my number to a waiter this weekend. And I’ve been STRESSED about him contacting me ever since. Like, downward spiral into the Gulf of Mexico over here. Thinking about how because he hasn’t texted me or called yet, I had to have been super annoying (which is kinda true) the whole time I was at the restaurant. Or that I’m not attractive. Or that I said this. Or did that. And it totally turned him off. Or that the interest I THOUGHT he was giving off was just for better tips. Like, hi, Reille, this doesn’t matter THAT MUCH. 

But. I think about reading my scriptures almost every day or going to the temple at least once a week. And those are, more than likely, spiritual promptings that I am not assigning ENOUGH MEANING to. I think about it, and then make excuses. Like, I’m too tired to do a whole session tonight, or walk across the room to get my scriptures off the shelf to only read one verse. And I’m already in bed. And I don’t have time to do it in the morning because SLEEP. Or whatever. 

Like, WHAT AM I DOING?! I don’t even know this kid that I gave my number to. And I’m allowing so much of my precious time and energy be channeled into him. 

But I DO know that the temple is where my Heavenly Father wants me to be at this time in my life. I DO know that sacred learning and progression happens when I go there. Not only for me, but also for the women I am there serving. I DO know that the scriptures will benefit my day to day life and my eternal testimony. After all, they hold the KEYS to ETERNITY. And eternity is my ultimate goal. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so HARD to be mortal? Like, seriously! (Because SATAN. And also because THIS IS A TEST. And also because the hard is what makes it worth it.)

I am going to try to recommit myself to this righteousness thing. Like, forget about the dude (ALL the dudes)(even though there will need to be a dude eventually, ya know?) and lose myself in the gospel again. Because THAT’s what is important. The gospel is what is important and as long as I spend my time in that, learning and growing and believing... then everything else will just work itself out. 

Cheers, 

 Reille K. :)  

do you believe in angels?

This summer, I went to the OCEAN for the first time. And it was amazing and I loved it and I already want to go back. All the heart eyes emoji for the ocean. 

But, back up to before I left for my trip. 

We were saying a prayer before I left for work (I left from work to go on my trip), and in the prayer, my dad asked for angels to protect us and that we would be safe. 

And while this was happening, I felt CHILLS. And it was nice. I didn't think much more about it. When I went to leave, I got on the road a bit later than I would have liked and I was a little miffed about that. On my way to Cedar, I passed a roll-over accident. It had literally JUST happened before I came upon it. A bunch of people had stopped, but there were no emergency vehicles or anything there. There was a huge piece of tire in the middle of the road, so I would guess that their tire blew and they lost control. I literally JUST missed it. 

Then, on our way to California and while there, there were a handful of times where someone ALMOST ran into us, but they didn't. And every time that happened, I was reminded of that prayer that my dad gave before I left. 

I was telling Jessica about it while we walked from the car to the beach, and again, I got CHILLS. I knew. I knew then and I know now, that we were being watched over and guarded. I can't tell you how absolutely incredible that was. 

Sometimes, when I'm sitting somewhere by myself and I allow everything to get REALLY quiet... I can feel them. The angels. MY angels. I really believe that the women I have done temple work for (ESPECIALLY the ones that are MY ancestors) are with me when I need them. And some of my other ancestors too. They are here to comfort and protect me. Do you know your angels? Do you feel them when they are near? Will you please, just take some time to b alone and sit. Without any music on. Without any Netflix playing. Put your phone away. And just listen with your heart for them. You might be surprised by what you find. (A good surprise, hopefully)

Cheers, fam
-Reille K. :)

stepping into the unknown.

I REEEEEAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY want to get back into blogging. Like, BAD. Remember when I had so much to say that I would write MULTIPLE posts in a day? Because the words would not stop flowing out of my fingertips?! I felt like I was so in-tune with how I was feeling those days and wrote with so much raw emotion. And had the confidence to spill so much of that out into the world! And I miss that part of me. That Reille was so freaking COOL. So. Here we are. Trying to wake that Reille up again. :) 
I want to make it a goal to write at least once a week. I'm not going to set a specific day or time for right now. I just want to start writing again. I think I might start out with quotes and talk about those. Or maybe tell you something cool that I've discovered. We'll see. 

"The foremost quality of our pioneers was faith. 

With faith in God, they did was every pioneer

does -- they stepped forward into the unknown." 

-Dallin H. Oaks

 I feel like I'm a little bit in that place right now. And I totally go through phases like this. But I feel like whatever is ahead of me is unknown right now. I know that I will be at work. I know that I will be at home. But all the filler of my life... is not something I know very much about right now. 

 

I know what I WANT it to be filled with. It's just a matter of getting myself to do the things. I want it to be filled with exercise and health. I want it to be filled with spiritual growth and learning. I want it to be filled with good books and the scriptures. I want it to be filled with the temple and self-care. 

But mostly, I want it to be filled with faith. Faith in God's timing. Faith that will help me to be patient (something I haven't felt very good at lately) in this waiting period of my life. Faith to learn those things that I need to learn right now. So that I can be the very best Reille that I can be. 

So, I'm stepping forward into my unknown. And I know that Heavenly Father will guide me to the right places and people and things.I just have to trust Him. 

Cheers, fam

-Reille K. :) 

i'm a changed woman.

So this week, I've been re-reading for the millionth time, one of my favorite books. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. She's my favorite author and I love pretty much all of her books. I wanted to talk about a quote from that book that helped me realize something about my own life.

"I'd been through so much, falling short again and again, and only recently had found a place where who I was, right now, was enough." 

As I read that, I thought about how I used to feel that way before I went through the temple. I always thought that any slip up, whether big or small, was a shortcoming. That I was just screwing everything up and that I would never get it right. I felt so inadequate. And I didn't fully comprehend that those were my feelings until pretty recently. I felt like I had to be absolutely 100% perfect in order to be worthy to go to the temple. Especially to go THROUGH the temple. And that was a big part of why I was so confused when Heavenly Father told me I needed to take out my endowment. But, I did it anyway because I trust Him. I was really nervous that I would feel trapped by the endowment. Once you do it, you can't really go back on that. I mean, you can, but... it's not really that simple. Ya dig?

After I went through the temple, I tried to make it a pretty regular habit. I went as often as I possibly could and found that I didn't feel inadequate anymore. I felt like I was right where I needed to be for me, and for those who I would serve by being temple worthy. I felt... bright, filled, and free. It's like the new knowledge and protection I had from the ordinance and the covenant I made broke whatever chains I may have not realized were there and I remembered that I have wings! I feel so much more available to the Spirit now. And part of that likely comes from the way that it all happened and how I learned how better to listen to that Spirit and the way that it speaks to me. But that's so important.

It all feels kinda weird, because I don't feel like I need to be "perfect" to be in the temple anymore. The temple is where I go when you feel broken, tired, and weary. When I'm celebrating, happy, and grateful. I go to the temple, not because I'm perfect, but because I'm not perfect. Because I can't do it alone. Because I don't WANT to do it alone. With the temple, I feel... ENOUGH. Just as I am, and just where I am, RIGHT NOW. More enough than I ever felt before I was endowed. 

If you're feeling a little less than enough, I would encourage you to take a trip to the temple this coming week. Whether that's a trip to the inside, or to the outside. Just go. And be still there for a while. You might be surprised by what you find. 

Cheers, 
Reille K. :)

the month I fell off the face of the earth and my niece was born.

I kinda fell off the face of the planet this month.  I stayed home sick for three and a half? days (I’m really hoping I entered all this into my timecard before I left for vacation because it’s all a blur now… I’m like 90% sure that I did) within the two weeks before I went on my required 40 hour vacation (which, myself and my parents flew to Colorado to meet my new niece, who I talk about later on in this post). And the days that I didn’t stay home, I was miserable and grumpy and had no voice. I’m currently in the middle of a second round of antibiotics because I had a sinus infection (round one) that morphed into an ear infection (round two). So, it’s been kind of a weird few weeks.

In the middle all the sickness hullabaloo, my sweet little niece, Hailey, was born. Instant obsession (I mean, who isn’t instantly obsessed with their nieces and nephews?). She was just a tiny little gummy bear, weighing 4lbs 11oz and measuring 17 inches when she was born. She came via an emergency c-section because she was in distress. Which is huge a blessing because she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, wrist, and legs. So, had she been born vaginally, she probably wouldn’t have survived birth. They did discover after she was born, that she was missing her right tibia (the big weight bearing bone in the lower leg) which makes her foot turn in as well. I know, you didn’t even know that was a thing, right? Neither did we. From what the internet has told us (because Google has been my family’s best friend for the past week), there’s a one in a million chance to be born without a tibia. More often a child is born without the fibula, which is the smaller, side bone in the lower leg. So, there’s not a TON of information about it, but there is enough that we’ve found some resources. There are a few options with these kinds of conditions, ranging from reconstruction to amputation. Depending on what kind of joints and other bones they have to work with. My sister and brother-in-law have only gotten one opinion so far, and there is still a lot of time before any decisions have to be made, so no definitive plans moving forward yet. Other than missing a bone, she is perfectly healthy.

So many people have been instantly supportive and it always has and always will amaze me how people can and will come together when something kind of big and scary is happening to someone they know. If you have been part of that, or become part of that in the future, thank you. Every text, Facebook comment, Instagram like, email, prayer – they mean so much. All in all, I think I can speak for the whole fam in saying that we just feel tremendously privileged to have the opportunity to be part of raising this sweet little babe. Her parents are AMAZING (I’m totally not biased) and have been being prepared for this wonderful little soul for a long time. She is so strong and just filled with light. It’s definitely not going to be easy, and this is just the beginning, but it will be so worth it. I can feel how amazing Hailey is already, and I think she is going to touch a lot of lives. The future is a little scary, but, I also feel a lot of comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father has put her in the hands of my sister and brother-in-law. And all of her aunts and uncles and grandparents… we will all be there to support her, and learn from her, and love her. It will all be okay in the end, and it will all go exactly as Heavenly Father has planned it. I just know it.

Not a fan of being unwrapped and cold

"But you gotta have faith, faith, faith!"

In 2016, I finally FINALLY figured out how to have faith in God's timing with ALL things. Something that I have struggled with since I was 18. Faith in his plan, I had (and have). Because he told me that I didn't have to go on a mission (because I actually didn't want to go on a mission, sue me) and I met my two very best friends in the time that I would have been gone. AND did SO many baptisms for the dead because I went every week for a year. Three HUGE things that have impacted my life in a big way! But the timing of that plan? My faith in that was... lacking. The experience that I had with God telling me to go through the temple at the time that He did... was kinda nuts. I thought it was a terrible thing, because (this might sound totally stupid) it felt like I was giving up on finding a husband. Because in my head, the endowment was directly linked to MARRIAGE, MISSION, OR OLD MAIDS. (!!!) And the fact that he was telling me to do it without any of those things being on the table, made me feel like... He wasn't listening to me. Hearing my prayers. Because it wasn't MY timing. I just wanted a man, dangit! And I kinda hate typing that out loud. But it really is how I felt. 
I read an article that was talked about how the endowment is not a "stepping stone covenant". And that totally changed the way I was thinking. Because it's not! The endowment, on it's own, is a saving ordinance. Like, duh Reille. And I've realized that with receiving my endowment, and being a temple going lady, Heavenly Father was making me into the woman I need to be in order to be ready for marriage. To be the type of woman that the guy He has in store for me is looking for. To fulfill my eternal potential. To give Him the tools to answer all dem prayers I was prayin'!
Now that I've been endowed for... 9 months... I can see it. I can see how the temple was integral to the Master Plan for me. I became exponentially more spiritual and spiritually minded since going through the temple. I'm in less of a hurry to marry myself off to someone. I'm learning how to enjoy the growth of this period in my life. And how that's going to positively affect my future romantic relationship(s?). And I understand so much more of the gospel and it's teachings than I ever have in the past.
Hindsight is 20/20. But the lesson lies within the hindsight, most of the time. God knows what and who you need to become, in order for you to be able to do the things He knows you want to do. And He's going to make those things happen for you. I promise. And I KNOW it's so freaking hard to have faith in the timing of everything. It really is. But, if you look back on your life... has He ever led you to something bad? God has so many awesome blessings in store for you. Better than you could ever dream up for yourself.

I hope that you can find something wonderful to hold on to, that will help you when hard things are happening. Like, the memory that you would think of to cast a patronus. 

Cheers, 
Reille K. :)
 

i never know what to title my posts.

I feel like Jessica just wants me to blog all the time. Which, I don't blame her. I just think its funny. We have #samebrain so we just get each other. I generally feel like I have a healthier, happier brain space when I just blog it out (which, most of my blog posts are me free writing and not thinking too much about things), and I think she remembers that more than I do. *insert crying laughing emoji here*.

I've been in a major funk lately when it comes to the social medias. I feel like what I have to say is not pretty enough. Eloquent enough. Or sparkly enough. For the "fancy" medias like Instagram. I feel like I'm only good enough for the "ratchet" medias like Snapchat. Which, wouldn't bother me so much if I always felt that way. Like... I hate, HATE that I have anxieties surrounding social media now because I used to literally post whatever and not give it a second thought. Now whenever I go to post, I can't find the words to say and I usually have thoughts like, "Screw it, it's not important. I'm just not going to post anything". So I don't. And then I have all these thoughts that were prepping themselves to be shared floating around up there with no where else to go. It makes me only marginally more crazy than I am in general. 

So, I think, I want to attempt to write more? I question it because I've said that a MILLION times and it just never happens. It's like, when you're terrible at journaling and you always start out your entry with, "Sorry I haven't written in a while, let me catch you up,". But, there was a time when I was writing a post basically every day. And most days I would write one post, and then have more to say about something else, so I would end u with more than one post a day! That seems crazy to me now. I feel a lot more... closed off than I once was. I feel like... people just don't care THAT much about what I have to say. Do I even have that much to say anymore? I don't know. But, I think I'm gonna attempt to get back into it. Because writing and putting it out there is much better for my brainspace than just laying in my bed and bingeing (is that really how you spell that? It looks gross... but if you take out the 'e' it;s binging...) on Netflix or Hulu (my current obsession is Smallville) all evening, EVERY evening. And wallowing in my thoughts. And scrolling and scrolling through Instagram and Pinterst and the like. Action feels better than inaction. I don't know. We're just gonna take this one day at a time. 

Also, I tried to change my sign off phrase or whatever you want to call it, and I hated it and couldn't ever remember it. So I'm gonna just stick with "Cheers" until I die, k? K. 
I hope you have a great week. And that nothing sucks too much. 

Cheers, 
Reille K. :) 

um hi.

Today is one of those days that I just kind of never want to forget. You know those days when you feel like you are spiritually in your element? Like, your comments in class all come out perfectly. Anything you are asked to do, you feel totally capable and it goes really well? Today was one of those days for me. 

I felt so on top of my game! I had lots to say in Sunday School, and I didn't get all nervous and flustered and my face didn't turn bright red with the stress. Which, hasn't happened in a REALLY long time. When I first started going to the single's ward, I was a mess. I was so shy and I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't talk to anyone. But I forced myself to make comments in class and participate. And then I was called to be a RS teacher after a few months in the ward. I could comment in class until my face turned blue, I was so okay with it at that point. And then I stopped being a teacher. And then a bunch of new people got put in our ward. And it was no longer this cozy little den of a ward. It felt like we had been invaded (no longer feels that way, btw), and these newbies were all beautiful and way more spiritual than me and I was no longer good enough to comment in class. So I stopped. And when I did comment, my voice was all shaky with Nervous. And my face and my ears would turn red because of stress and vulnerability. And that was hard. I had a hard time with that. 

But lately, I've been trying really hard to be more vulnerable. This is not the first time I have had to really work on that. I have a hard time being vulnerable in large groups of people. It's hard to let people love me. To let them look at me and see me. And SEE me for me. But, I also love the rush of participating in class, and helping others feel the spirit. And sharing my insights with "outside my brain" peeps. 

I gave the thought at ward prayer tonight because I was one) lazy and didn't want to go through the trouble of finding someone at church to do it. And two) I feel like I should sometimes take a turn when I am having to ask other people to do it. 
And you guys. I was clearly inspired to give the thought that I gave. And it was so cool. Aside from the fact that I cried A LOT. Like, the whole time, basically. 

I talked about how I was kinda freaking out when I was preparing to go through the temple. How I knew that it was from God, and I knew that God wanted me to do this and HE knew I was ready, but I just didn't know if I thought I was ready. I didn't FEEL ready. I went into April's general conference just pleading with Heavenly Father to give me SOMETHING. Something to help me feel okay with all of it. And during Elder Gerrit W. Gong's talk, "Always Remember Him", there was a paragraph or two that were the answer to MY prayer.  

"...we can always remember Him by trusting when the Lord assures us, “He who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”...

Once we repent and priesthood leaders declare us worthy, we need not continue to confess and confess these past sins. To be worthy does not mean to be perfect. Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness invites us to be humbly at peace on our life’s journey to someday become perfected in Christ, not constantly worried, frustrated, or unhappy in our imperfections today. Remember, He knows all the things we don’t want anyone else to know about us—and loves us still."

As soon as I heard this part of the talk, I was immediately overwhelmed with peace. I knew that I was ready... because God knew I was ready. If we do the things that God asks us to do, even when we don't feel ready or adequate or ENOUGH, he will bless us. He was bless us ESPECIALLY if we feel  unready, inadequate and less than enough and we do it anyway. If we will put our trust in Him. In His timing. Heavenly Father knows. He knows all the things about me that I don't broadcast. The mistakes I've made. The things I don't like about myself. AND LOVES ME STILL. And he told me that it was time to go to the temple. So, I did it. And I felt good about it.

I went to a fireside with Sister Oaks a few weeks ago and of COURSE Elder Oaks was there and said a few things. The topic that he focused his remarks on was TIMING. It's all down to timing. And even though going to the temple at that point was not MY timing, it was the RIGHT timing. Because it was 100% GOD'S TIMING. I gave it all over to Him and I know now that I did the exact right thing. I know that God has a plan for each of us. And it is completely tailored to you. And even if it's not YOUR timing, its going to be perfect timing. Because God knows exactly what you need, when you need it, to not only get YOU back to Him, but so you can help others along the way. 

My bishop came up to me afterwards and told me that I answered someone's prayer tonight. The Spirit was definitely present, I was overwhelmed myself (hence all the crying), so I feel pretty confident that the bishop was right. And that is SO AWESOME. I love that. I love being that for someone. And like SO many people came up and hugged me (which I'm starting to get more used to) and even some VERY unexpected people hugged me. Which... I didn't hate? I don't know. Today was just a really really good day. And I'm really happy. A good end to a good stretch of time off and a holiday. Yeah. 

Life is good. 

God is great. 

You are gorgeous.

-Reille K. :)

i want to remember this day.

Wow... Okay... So, update since the last time I posted... :)
I talked to my Bishop that week, and he was all for getting the process started. I began going to Temple Prep for Sunday School (which was a blessing in and of itself, I became better friends with this girl Piper, who I just LOVE), and I bought (and tried to read) The Holy Temple by Boyd K. Packer (this is not a book you can just sit down and read for hours and lose yourself in. I know, because I tried. You have to concentrate so HARD). And I prayed. A LOT. More than I think I may have ever prayed in my life at one time. I was like, legit, praying at all times. And when I wasn't praying, I was thinking about the temple. 

As I went through this process, I became closer and closer to Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. And I started to feel SO READY. One day, whilst urinating, I realized why it's all so different now. Why it all feels so RIGHT. It's because I am finally ready for the commitment. I think that's a lot of what has held me back in the past. In so many areas of my life. I can make commitments, but this... this is LIFE CHANGING. And so is dating. Like, for me, I know that once I start ACTUALLY dating someone, it's pretty much going to move really fast and before you know it, we'll be tying the knot. So, I have to be ready for that commitment before anything even happens. That's kind of how it was for the temple for me. I had to get to the point where I would be committed. To the covenants that I will make. To wearing the garment. To always paying my tithing. To resist sin and temptations. It's a big step. And I didn't want to mess anything up. There was also some issues with ME not feeling good enough... worthy enough... ENOUGH enough. But that's like, the struggle of my lifetime. I AM enough of all of the above, I just had to get to a point where I believed it for myself. 

I had a total of three interviews with my Bishop. The first, the middle, and the final as I like to call them. The first was when I told him I wanted to do this and he said YES. And was super enthusiastic about it. I was 100% not expecting to get a yes right away. I fully expected to be told that I had to wait. So, I was SHOCKED. The middle was when I confirmed, YES, I still want to do this. Let's move forward. Still a little too early to do the actual questions because of WHEN I wanted to go through. And the final. That happened tonight. And I was a little anxious, just because I was so READY. Ready to get going. Ready to take this next step. You guys, this whole process has been like a dream. The best dream that I never want to wake up from. (Aside from any family drama that I basically made up in my head... that was not a fun part. But, that was me being a drama queen and I resolved it within myself). I had my interview with my Bish, then went over to the Stake Office, and had my interview with the Stake Presidency member (DON'T WORRY, I'm a total spaz and I signed my recommend in the Stake Presidency Member's spot and he had to cross my name out and I had to sign it again... *face palm*). And while they were asking the official interview questions, I felt the Spirit SO STRONGLY. And I felt so peaceful. And I knew, in that moment, that it was right. I was doing what is RIGHT for me. 

Then I walked out to my car and as I sat down, I realized... really realized that I AM GOING TO THE TEMPLE. In a week and a day. Like, this is real. It's happening. And oh my goodness! And I was overcome with emotions and the Spirit. But, I just had like a little bit of teariness and was fine. Then I told my snap story and said the words "I'm going to the temple" out loud and cried a little more! Just saying those words out loud was... WHEW! 

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father. And my Savior. They know me SO WELL. Like, it's ridiculous because they know me better than ANYONE knows me. And they know my path and they light the way for me when I have no idea where to go next. They know when I am lost before I even know I am lost. They take care of me and give me so much more than I will ever deserve. I feel so content and happy and excited with where my life is headed. I can't WAIT for this next chapter of my life. It's going to be AMAZING. I'm so grateful for the testimony that I have of this Gospel. Some days, it's all that keeps me going. I am constantly in awe of how PERFECT God's plan is. And that He did it all FOR US. Even though we constantly fail Him. He loves us SO MUCH. 

I can't not testify of the Atonement... it is... the closest thing there is to magic. The moment you feel the power flow through your body is just... it is UNREAL. The Atonement is for sins, but it is also for sadness, disappointment, physical pain, emotional pain, grief, anxiety, worry, stress. Literally, it is for EVERYTHING. It is truly the best panacea EVER (like, you guys, the Atonement cured a migraine for me more than once). I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the Atonement and the power of the Priesthood. There aren't good enough words to truly convey how I feel tonight. I just feel so #blessed. And happy. And stoked.

Today was a good day. And next thursday is going to be one of the BEST days of my life. I just know it. 

Happy Tuesday, all!
All the love!

Cheers, 
Reille K. :)

life lately. and some personal revelations.

Um, hi. How is everyone? I hope that this Valentine's Day was filled with love and not sadness. And I hope that everyone had a phenomenal Sunday. I don't really talk about it a lot, but Sunday is actually my favorite day of the week. My next favorite is Thursday. But I'm not here to talk about my favorite days of the week.

I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind A LOT the past couple of months(ish). When the mission age was changed and one of my dear friends was preparing to go, we were just talking about the struggle of figuring out garments and sizing and adjusting your wardrobe to them one day. I came home and mentioned something to my parents and they said, "You know, you should take out your endowments. That's something you could totally do,". I felt uncomfortable and was all, "Uhh, no. Not right now! I'm a baby! I'm DEFINITELY not ready for that,". Which, in fairness, I don't know that I was at that time. And I quickly brushed that off and didn't really think about it for a while.

Fast forward about a year, and my parents mentioned again that I should seriously consider taking my endowment out. Again, I was like, "Duuude, could you give it a rest?" And there were a couple lessons or talks at church or something that piqued my Spirit and I thought about it for a few minutes but QUICKLY brushed them aside (again). I still felt that at (what... 20? Ish?) I wasn't there yet. I wasn't going on a mission. I definitely wasn't getting married anytime soon. I hadn't even been on a second date or kissed a boy yet! (Both of those still apply, by the way. Someone PLEASE think that I am a good watermelon and pick me! :) Haha, humor from a talk at church today, I know like, 99% of you likely won't get that) AND, I was kind of... scared. To be honest. As the things that go on in the temple are verrrrrrryyyy Sacred, even us members of the church don't really know what happens in there. And that Unknown aspect was terrifying to me. I didn't want to go in there and feel like... "Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?!" And the commitment just felt like too much for me. So, I again, brushed it off.

I didn't think about it for a while after that. I was sure that I would just do it when I was going to get married. Like a lot of people do. And that was okay with me. I was cool with sticking with the status quo on this one. Seriously. I was 100% cool with just waiting. In late 2015, I had the thought a couple of times that I could maybe take out my endowment before I got married. But that was it. I didn't go past that. I didn't put it into the context of, "I should start working on this RIGHT NOW,".

Then, all of a sudden (it felt like), liiiike in November or December of 2015, I could NOT get away from people talking about going through the temple. Talks and testimonies in church. Articles on Twitter. Posts on Instagram. And, on cue for my personality, I was like, WHAT?! What do you WANT from me? GO AWAY. THIS IS NOT FOR ME RIGHT NOW. And I tried and tried to push those thoughts of, "Maybe... it's time to take this... seriously?" and "Darling, it may be time for you to think about this NOW," away and not think about them (Avoidance coping at it finest, ladies and gents, as you'll see in a second, it didn't really work very well).

At the same time, everyone on Twitter was all fluttery and, for lack of a better word, twittery, about Al Carraway's new book that came out around that time, "More than the Tattooed Mormon". And so I asked for it for Christmas, and I received it. I was SO STOKED to read it, but, I also got myself a bunch of books for Christmas/around Christmas and I didn't end up reading it for a few weeks. When I finally read it, I was just happily reading along one day at work and I was getting kinda towards the end when BAM! Revelation happened and I was so... taken aback? Startled? Surprised? I'm not really sure how I want to phrase that. But, it happened and I hate to say this but, I DID NOT WANT IT. Ugh, I know! I was one of those people that won't ask the question because they know they are going to get an answer and then they'll have to actually DO something about it! I'm going to share with you the paragraph that I read, because maybe you're going through something similar? Or just so I can come back to this later and remember for myself. Either way. It's on page 116 and it's the last paragraph on the page. 

"If you are like me and are seeking to go through the temple outside of preparing for a mission or marriage, His timing truly is best, even if it is devastating to wait. The Spirit often speaks to us with recurring thoughts. If this [going through the temple] is something that keeps coming to your mind, it is definitely time to start taking that thought seriously. Don't let your age or anything else discourage you. The decision to go through the temple is between you, your bishop, and the Lord. In my opinion, the best way to prepare to go to the temple is to be ready and willing to accept everything you will learn and experience there. When you get to the point of knowing that the temple is the house of the Lord and that everything you do and hear there is of God, then you are ready. Many of you will go to the temple because you 'have' to go in preparation for a mission or marriage -- get excited!"

You guys. I was just sitting there in my darkened cubicle and I just about LOST IT. I was so... grateful that this passage had come into my life. And that I was finally in a place where I could hear what Heavenly Father has been TRYING to tell me for a long time. I do know that until that time, I wasn't ready. Which is probably why I wouldn't listen yet. And I was also SO MAD at myself for not listening before that. But, that was just a little baby mad, because now... I was listening. I was open to it. And I just... needed to come to terms with where Heavenly Father wanted to take my life. What direction He wants me to go in. Before, I had been letting my age (and so many other things) discourage me from taking this though seriously. This recurring thought that I kept yelling at to go away and "get out of my room!"... it was the SPIRIT. Trying to tell me something important!

Luckily for me, I was still being bombarded with articles and such about going through the temple. I follow this temple dress account on Instagram @qnoor_templedress and they had a blog post a week or so ago that was posted about a couple weeks after my big revelation (that I was honestly JUST coming to terms with and still trying to decide if I just made it up in my head) that you can read HERE if you feel so inclined. And just like that... I knew that it was REAL LIFE PERSONAL REVELATION. One thing about this article that I just LOVE is that she talks about how the endowment should not be overlooked and just as a stepping stone to a mission or marriage. Because the endowment is a saving ordinance! In and of itself! It is SO important! And up until that point, I hadn't really seen it as such. Not for someone living. I had realized this truth (mostly) for proxy work, but hadn't applied that to still alive people (that sounds SO weird, I know. But you see what I'm trying to say, right?)

Also, with the general tour of the Provo City Center temple and the Bridal room tour that I was blessed enough to attend... I just... I felt so... AT HOME there. And my Spirit was just like, "Girl, you need this in your life, just... be open to it,". And I knew that I had to give in and stop trying to push it all away. 

Since then, it's been ON MY MIND. And it WON'T leave. I think... it's time to start taking this seriously. I mean, I'm already serious enough about it that I talked to my parents about it over dinner tonight... this whole... journey, I've been on in coming to this decision. And that conversation just confirmed to me that it's probably time to consult with my Bish and see what he thinks. I know that it may not happen right away. And I know that this may be a long process, because I may not be QUITE there yet. But... this is a direction that I think I need to start going down. I need to at least make an effort at it. And... I'm kind of super excited about it. 

You guys... this Gospel is MIND-BLOWING and I am so so SO grateful to have it in my life. I honestly don't know what I would do without it. To quote one of my all time favorite passages from the scriptures, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27) Even if you feel like you don't know what's up or down in the Gospel and you feel like your testimony would sink and not float or even swim if thrown into a body of water... I PROMISE YOU, that if you have a little faith, and you put in even a little bit of work, then you will find what you are looking for. What have you got to lose? And you and your testimony will surprise yourself. Really. You know more and believe more than you think you do. You just have to be open to it.

all the love.
Cheers, 
     Reille K. :)

i believe 02.07.2016

Hi there. Today is the first Sunday of the month. If you are LDS, that means it's the day that fast and testimony meeting is held (we abstain from at least two meals and are given an opportunity to bear our testimony in front of the entire ward during Sacrament meeting). I personally am not suuuuper comfortable with bearing testimony in this way, as I am not quite as eloquent when I am SPEAKING as I can be when I am TYPING or WRITING. I know that I SHOULD do it, because it will help me grow as a person and all that. But, I just don't think fast enough. And the thought of going up there without knowing what I am going to even talk about makes me want to vomit. 

But, the member of our bishopric invited us to share our testimony with SOMEONE today, so here I am. And I think it would be a good thing if I did a blog post of my testimony each fast and testimony Sunday. So, hopefully I remember that I am committing to do this. ;)

I want to start by saying that I know this Gospel is true. Without a doubt. I know that I am so blessed because of the choice I have made to stay true to this Gospel, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that I have SO much room for improvement, and I can do so much better than I am, but the fact that I am trying, is enough.

I have a testimony of eternal families. I am so happy that I get to be with my goofy family for forever, even when we irritate each other. My siblings have taught me so much from their examples, and have shaped the paths that I have taken without their even knowing it. And my nephews and niece, I just love them SO MUCH. I can't remember what prompted me the other day to think about how I would feel if one of them were to suddenly pass away... I couldn't even entertain the idea because it made me too sad. I feel so much for people that do lose their children and I just want to hold them in my arms and cry with each and every one of them. I'm so happy that I have the knowledge that I do of what comes after death. I mean, I don't know EXACTLY what's going to happen, but I know the general idea. And I know that I will be with my family as I make the right choices. I can live with that and not be scared of death. Sure, I'm still sad when someone leaves, but it's also so exciting for them because they've made it! 

Sorry, that got a little melancholy without my even meaning it to! We are so blessed to have so much technology at our fingertips. What we choose to do with that is so important! Are we going to let our lives pass us by because we are just constantly scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and repeat? Or are we going to use the technology to connect with those around us and uplift, encourage and inspire? When was the last time you bore testimony on social media? Or is the only indication of your faith to others in your bio? Do  you talk to your friends about the Gospel? Do you use your technology for any family history? Do you use it to Index? Do you follow the church accounts and other positive influences? I know that social media is such a huge HUGE tool for us. And Heavenly Father has given it to us in the time that it would be most beneficial to us and our brothers and sisters of the world. Please, please use it for good. 

A few weeks ago, Elder Nelson gave a devotional about the true meaning of the title "Millenial". The entire time I was thinking of that President Hinckley quote that we have all heard a million times about how we are a chosen generation. It is so true! There are strengths and talents that our generation has that will bring the work about in the most spectacular way. Not that those in older generations aren't just as important; they paved the way for us and they raised this generation. We are all just walking each other home. And that is so important to remember. Even though my generation has some faults (seriously, it's ridiculous sometimes), as I sit in church every Sunday and listen to my peers and their insights and how they are dealing with their struggles and trials and see their faith... I know that we are doing much better than people think we are. Than even WE think we are! And maybe it's just that my ward is SO FANTASTIC. But seriously. Every Sunday is just magical with the Spirit that I am privileged enough to be a part of. I love it. 

Last week I finished the Book of Mormon for the first time BY MYSELF. FOR MYSELF. And you guys, I am SO PROUD of myself. I have never been very good at reading my scriptures, and it did take me multiple years to make it through the whole thing, but I DID IT. It was so cool to do that! Even though it's not my strong suit, I know that the scriptures are true. And reading them definitely makes life just a little smoother. I bought myself a new nice set of scriptures so that I would be more motivated to read, and it has actually helped! My other set is the set that I have had since I was baptized when I was 8... so they had LOOOTS of yucky and distracting markings and stuff from 13 years of use. It was time. I needed a grown up set. :)

Anyway, I think this is long enough for now. :)

all the love.
Cheers, 
   Reille K. :)

on being vulnerable.

I get it. I do. It can be TERRIFYING to be vulnerable with people. Because you open yourself up to potentially soul crushing deceit and swords that carry the weight of truth that can be wielded in your direction at a moments notice. That is SCARY.

I had a good long THINK about vulnerability a few weeks ago. And I thought about the people that I've decided were "worthy" to be vulnerable with, and those who didn't meet whatever criteria I may have had at the time and thought was important. I thought about the course of our relationships. I thought about whether it would have been easier had I been/not been vulnerable.

One thing you should know about me is that I've a terrible track record when it comes to humans and relationships. I talk to zero of the people I was friends with in Jr. High and High School. I still talk to a handful of my childhood friends every once in a while. But even that is scarce. It's not like I do it on purpose, I just... Once a relationship becomes toxic at all, I tend to get the hell out of dodge. It's not something I'm super proud of, but it's just who I am. 

Even with this great THINK I had, I can't really put my finger on which is better... To BE or NOT to be... Because I've had it both ways. But, only recently have I opened myself up to someone and been 100% vulnerable. And for the first time since I can remember, I have a relationship with someone that I have no insecurities about. We know exactly what we are to each other. And it is freaking MAGICAL. She makes me believe in the power of vulnerability. She makes me believe that it IS possible to find a MAN that I have that with and can be with for eternity. And that is pretty dang stellar. 

I'm no expert, of course. One thing that I can say though, is that it is so FREEING to be vulnerable. It helps you to get to know yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. It helps you own your identity because you talk about that with other people. It helps clear your mind of worrying what other people think of you... What you are, what you say, what you do. Those thoughts can be incredibly debilitating and paralyzing. Give vulnerability to those around you and you are giving them permission to be vulnerable with you themselves. You're allowing more opportunity for love, kindness, and service. You're deepening bonds and increasing the potential for a lasting relationship.

I've been trying to be more vulnerable lately and I am saying things to people that I never would have before. And then NOT WORRYING ABOUT IT. And you know? It is absolutely wonderful. I feel so FREE. And I am not obsessing. Which is new and different for me. 

So, what I'm saying is this: Even though it is freaking SCARY and TERRIFYING and you feel like your heart is going to beat OUT of your chest and you're going to VOMIT everywhere and your face is on FIRE and your voice is shaking from FEAR... BE VULNERABLE. Do it. Because in my experience, you only regret the things you DON'T do. 

all the love.
cheers, 
 Reille K. :)

PS, I'm typing this to you from my NEW LAPTOP. And I freaking love it. This means I will likely be blogging a lot more because it's going to be wayyyy easier. x

respond and move on.

I'm going to get really real. I have this problem where I obsess about things that I have no control over. Like, hardcore. I tend to live in the future a lot and daydream my life away. And I want specific things to happen at specific times and honestly, life just doesn't happen that way.

I will confess, I am obsessing over a boy... big surprise! I will not allow myself to text them until I am responding to their text message. That helps me to obsess just over them and not over whether I am being crazy and clingy or not. SO. That's a thing. I think that's been one of my biggest downfalls in the past, is that I just obsess over it and I overthink and I try to analyze how they are going to respond to what I'm saying if I say it THIS way over THAT way. I am also just responding with the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of how flirty or overly smart or even smart-ass-y it may sound. And that my friends, is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I just respond and move on. No censorship. No worrying about how they are going to take it. No worrying about if that will indicate to them that I like them (hi, that's the WHOLE POINT). And it is MARVELOUS. It will all work out in the end, just the way it's meant to.

One thing that I have been trying to do is to leave my phone in my room when I'm not in it. (Which, makes it so I leave my phone at home and then my best friend calls with IMPORTANT NEWS and I miss her call... but it's fine, I called her back and we freaked out together.) Because if my phone is next to me, then I am constantly checking it to see if someone has texted or called me and I somehow missed it when my phone was sitting right next to me the whole time? Or I am hopping on Instagram or Twitter or Pinterest just to see what's new since the last time I checked it like 20 minutes ago. AND I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY DOING THAT. So, I'm working on not having my phone be attached to my human at all times. And that seems to help.

Another thing that seems to be working is distracting myself with a project or a movie. I've been having a Harry Potter Marathon (RIP Alan Rickman) with my parents and sorting my pin boards at the same time and that has kept my brain mostly occupied (except when I sort quotes that are all lovey and they make me think of the thing I am trying not to obsess over). Oops.

What are things that you do to help you not obsess/worry over things that you have no control over?


all the love.
cheers,
reille k. :)

i'm trying.

I'm really trying, you guys, to have FAITH. In a very specific thing. And it's something that I have ALWAYS had a hard time having faith in.

The Lord's timing.

Because I want things to happen on MY timetable. Like, all the time. There are SO many times that I can recall that I have been so MAD that things weren't happening for me when I felt like they should. But, God had/has other things in mind for me. Other things in store. And ya know, I KNOW that He knows what He's doing. And I BELIEVE that I will get the blessings and desires of my heart WHEN it's right for me. I KNOW these things. But, its in the LIVING those knows and believes where I struggle.

For example, whenever I start talking to boys, I am NUTS. I want to have a whirlwind romance akin to one in a YA novel. I mean, I've read enough of those that I can almost always predict the ending when I'm reading it the first time. So I've inadvertently  programmed my brain to expect these things. But it doesn't happen. I don't ever have my whirlwind. I don't ever have my romance. I just have me. And Sharky (my pillowpet). And the comfort of not having to wear pants (PANTS ARE PRISON.) all the time. Then I get all caught up and I just WANT it to work out. Just once. And I try to reason with God that it wouldn't be a BAD thing for this one to work out. It's not like I can't date around a little bit. Please please please help this happen for me. But no. Because we all know that I am NOT a "dater". I will likely start dating someone and end up marrying them. Because that's just who I am as a person. And Heavenly Father knows that. But sometimes I think it's really annoying that He knows me so well. Is that totally awful of me? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

And I've tried using charts and reward systems and all kinds of things to get myself to read my scriptures every day. And none of them have ever worked. I do really well for a while and then I slowly stop making it a priority and I stop reading them altogether. And I can feel the difference. And I don't like the difference. I WANT to read them every day. But I just don't do it.

And, its not just The Men and scripture study... it's other things too. Like, losing weight. Deciding to not spend my money frivolously. Flossing regularly. And so many other things too. Heavenly Father has a plan for ME. And I just have to trust in that.

BUT, in the meantime... I'm trying this new thing where I am not expecting ANYTHING to happen. Would I LIKE certain things to happen? Duh. In a specific amount of time? For sure. But, the expectations are no longer there, so I can no longer be devastatingly disappointed when something doesn't happen. Or when I slack off and don't live up to my own expectations. I'm trying to be more loosey goosey. I'm not putting my life on hold for anyone anymore. I'm paying attention and doing things that I know are good for ME without worrying about it so much. And seeing what happens. I mean, I'm still TRYING, just letting go of the WORRYING ABOUT IT part (because ya gotta TRY). And you know... it's nice. I have a semi-obsessive personality, so it's HAAARD. But, so far, I think it's working? And you know? It's giving me more FAITH. In the LORD'S TIMING. And I like that. I want to have faith in that.

I've found myself thinking, "I wish *this* would happen... Enh! It'll happen in time." Or "I want to MAKE this happen NOW... Mm, it will happen in due time." And then subsequently thinking, "Did that just happen in my brain?" Because that is so not normal for me.

But, I'm trying. Really trying to have faith. I'm trying to put into practice all these beliefs that I have and let them help me shape my life. And I'm a firm believer in effort. So far, it's going well.

all the love.
cheers,
Reille K. :)

 

because 2016.

Happy New Year! Like, 5 days ago. :)

I'm putting my goals here, because the more I talk about them, the less I have to actually do them, right? JOKES.

I'm trying something new, and I made my goals in categories this year. Because of something a beautiful man said in a lesson one Sunday. I mean, he just said it in passing, but I thought it was a GRRRRREAT idea. So, here we go!

Physical Goals:
Yoga, Water, Cardio. Lose 40 lbs. and not find it again. Eat healthy things. Floss.

Spiritual Goals:
Keep a Valid Temple Recommend. Read my scriptures and pray EVERYDAY. Be more grateful.

Mental Goals:
Read at least 2 books per month. Blog at least once a week. Write more. Declutter more. Make lists (for my forgetful brains).

Financial Goals:
Save AT LEAST $50 a paycheck. Not spend my money on things I don't ACTUALLY NEED. Take less trips to Target.

LIVE YOUR HAPPY.

I mean, a lot of these are things that just require a tiny bit of brainpower/effort/pants wearing when I get home from work. I tried to do both MORE goals and LESS goals. Most of the LESS is in the financial category because I need to stop wasting my money on things that I find to buy at Target (mostly) that I could really exist without just fine.

And SO MANY of these things have been a goal of mine for so long and I do great for a while and then they fall by the wayside again.

Basically, I just want to be more intentional with my time and not just sit by idly while my life slips by. Which is what I naturally do. Just sit idly. And that's not going to help me progress into areas that I want to go. Like marriage. And motherhood. Because hey, that's the next big life step to take for me. I've already moved out (and back in). And I'm not going on a mission. I'm ahead of the curve here! Anyway, its late and my feet are falling asleep. So the rest of me probably should follow suit.

all the love.
cheers,
Reille K. :)

we need to talk.

Hi there! I have been very absent lately. Because I felt like I didn't have anything to say, I guess. Even though I totally did. I just... didn't say it. And, you know, I've hardcore missed my little corner of the interwebs here. I used to be obsessed with it. With sharing my thoughts about anything and everything. And I was pretty good at it. But, something happened, and I still can't pinpoint it, that made me stop. That made me pause. That made me curl those thoughts right back up into my brain bag and keep them there. Instead of free flowing out through my fingers and into the world. I really want to get it back. That free-ness. It will take some time, but, I think we can make that happen.

I rediscovered my journal/quote book from my senior year of high school tonight. And WOW. The LOLs! Like, I can't even tell you how cute the things I was worried about are to me now. But, I also discovered that I was freaking SMART about so many things. And so many of the things that I wrote are still applicable to me now.

I found the journal entry that I wrote right after I confessed my big sin to the Bishop for the first time in my life. And I felt like I was on top of the world. It was Easter of 2012 and I was there for my Seminary Graduation interview. You know, I'm seeing a pattern here. I think that Heavenly Father allows me to have other reasons to be in interviews or meetings and then nudges me to say what I need to say. I was miserable in my calling and during this last tithing settlement, it all came spilling out of my eyes and my mouth when my bishop was just making small talk. I think Heavenly Father knows that I need that little push in order to make certain things happen for myself.

See, these are the things that I used to discover about myself all the time as I was free-typing out a blog post. I don't get that anymore. That's what I've been missing! Bloggerino, baby, darling. Forgive me, please? Let's forget about how I've been gone for so long and start fresh? Funky fresh? Also, I'm going to try to get back into labeling my posts, because it's good for me, I guess?

In true fashion, I am sitting here typing this whilst wearing NO PANTS. Just the way I like to exist. :) I think I'm going to do a post about my new years resolutions. And if you don't care, then don't read it.

all the love.
cheers,
Reille K. :)

friday night.

Homies. It's Friday night, I went to dinner with my parents. Had a really awkward experience that I wish I could scrub off of my skin. And now I'm sitting here, in my bra and underwear, typing to you. I couldn't wait to get home and take off my clothes. That's one thing I didn't realize I would miss, moving back home. The luxury of not having to wear clothes. I was never wearing clothes when I was moved out! It was awesome! My future husband will probably really like this about me. My dislike of wearing clothes. Maybe we'll have Naked Thursday or something! ;) (but really, pants are prison. #nopantsdance)

I don't really have much to say, I just wanted to say hello. Also, I BOUGHT MYSELF A BED. A queen size bed. That is all for me. And maybe Fritz (my dog), but I probably won't invite him to my lair still. Maybe just on the weekends. I'm so freaking STOKED for it. I ordered it on the internet, so I have to wait for it to ship and all that, but YOU GUYS. I'm adult enough that I bought my own bed. How did this happen? This new purchase is prompting a redecorate of my bedroom, by the way, so I'll likely put pictures of that somewhere... because I'm also going to buy a HEADBOARD to go with my new bed that I can put twinkle lights on. And obviously I need a new quilt for my new size of bed. And I've got my eye on a new desk. And I have plans to make a new chair to go with this new desk. One that I can sit on with my legs criss cross apple-sauced. I am so stoked!

I've also decided to make a gallery wall of art in our guest bedroom. So I might take one or two of the larger pieces from my room to incorporate there too. My art needs a makeover. Hardcore. Whether it is made by me, or purchased. If you have any suggestions of Etsy shops or things that I can make, send me the link! Or tell me how to get to this place.

Anyway, I'm going to go. Lay on my bed with no clothes on. And Introvert. And dream of my new bed. It's going to be stellar. Happy Friday, y'all! (I'm watching The Voice, and I LOVE so many of them! I'm really not into Country music, but I really like Zach Seabaugh. He needs to stop converting me to country. It's unacceptable. I don't recognize myself anymore! ;))

Cheers,
     Reille K. :)

why I write.

This was originally another page on my blog, but I've decided that it's more post-y type material. So, here we are...


People have different reasons to write. And here's mine.

 

That's one reason. Writing it all out and just letting the words flow from my fingertips helps me sort it all out. And by "it all", I mean all the thoughts that float around in my head at a constant, fast-paced rate. I feel like when I SAY what I think, my mouth gets left behind while my thoughts race ahead and then I stumble over things. But somehow, when I write, that doesn't happen.

 

 

I also write because this is a way that I express myself. My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions. It's my little slice of home on the Internet. More so than any profile or whatnot on any social media website, because this is ALL ME. What you see here, is basically what you get in real life. And that's important to me. I don't filter what I write about because so-and-so might see it and be offended. Or someone that doesn't even exist in my life yet won't like it. I write FOR ME, and if you want to read it, great! Thank you so much for caring what I have to say and offer the world. If you don't like it, I'm not forcing you to be here. And that's fine.

 

 

I feel like my blog has been an essential tool in my process of "growing up". And it's definitely been a process. It's helped me to realize that I DO have things to say. And that I shouldn't tuck them away and not tell anyone what I really, truly think and feel.

 

Of course, I still get that clinchy, "Ooh, should I post this one?", feeling for a good amount of my posts. But when I get that feeling, I think those end up being the posts that I'm most proud of. It's still hard to put my feelings on display for potentially ANYONE with the internet to see, but, I mean, free speech and all that jazz.

 

 

And that. I've always had a hard time loving myself. I was always the "fat girl" or the "really smart girl" or "the best friend" or whatever other label has ever been stuck on me in my life. Not that those are all negative, but I always let those labels define me. And writing has helped me to shed those labels, and become more comfortable in my own skin. It's helped me to feel a sense of community, however small, on the internet and realize that I'm not alone. That people care what I have to say. And they like it because with each post, they get a little window into who I really am. People can FEEL that I'm telling them exactly how I feel, exactly what I think. There's no holding back on here. And it's nice to have a place where I can do that, and that it isn't some little journal that, chances are, no one will ever see. I "watered myself down to please people" for far too long, and I was MISERABLE. But, since shedding that persona and writing it out, I HAVE found a love for myself that wasn't there before, and I've discovered who I am.

 

I write because that's just who I am now. And I kind of like that person.

 

As always,

Cheers!

how to be a sick person, according to me.

Hi friends!

This week, I was sick for a couple of days and had to stay home from work. Which, is something that I've had to learn how to do in recent years. But, I thought I would write a little post about it.

I have five tips for sickness for you. And honestly, they may be more to remind myself to do these things the next time I'm sick than anything else. So, take it or leave it.

• DRUGS. Figure out as quickly as possible what kind of drugs are going to suit you and your sickness best. And always try the ones that your mom suggests first. Vomiting up cough syrup is not something I want to ever do again in my lifetime... It's going to help with a speedy recovery. At least, it did with the variety of death that I somehow contracted this week.
• Try to find someone else to make your necessities run. I made the mistake of going to Winco for myself before I had figured out my drug situation and was in delirious pain. I also made the mistake of choosing a hand basket, not a cart, so I was panting my way around Winco, just trying to get some dang Gatorade. I looked like death because I also had a fever but, really, I was in no state to have even put real clothes on. I should have called someone for help.
• DRINK and EAT THINGS. I personally like to get Gatorade or PowerAde if you have had a fever. They help restore all those electrolytes you just sweated out with your fever. And they taste pretty good. If it's more of a stomach thing, Sprite or 7 Up is swell for helping calm things down. As far as food goes... that depends on your sickness. If it's like, a cold, then SOUP. If it's something stomach-y, then try to find something that's not going to hurt on it's way back up. My personal favorites for this are Double Noodle Soup, Saltines, and Fruit Snacks.
• HEAT. My heated blanket was a lifesaver. I would also consider turning up the thermostat just like, 2 degrees. When you have a fever, your body is definitely going to like being too hot more than being chitter-chattering from being cold.
• Baths. I took like three "baths" on Tuesday. Because it was the only place that my body was not in constant pain (because of the heat and the buoyancy). And by bath, I mean I just lied there in the hottest water I could get for like, an hour. And as the bath slowly started draining/getting cold, I added more hot water. But, they were great.

So there you have it. I'm not really sure what sickness I had? It was kind of flu-y, but not? I woke up and it hurt to touch my skin and I was all body aches and pain and fever. I spent much of Tuesday in bed trying to sleep but mostly just writhing in pain. It was actually probably the worst day of at least this year, if not like, the past 5 years. And then Wednesday the more traditional cold type things like coughing and stuff came. But, I'm fine now. Mostly. My lungs had some residual issues for a couple of days, but so far today, they are okay. Anyway.

All the Love.
Cheers,
     Reille K. :)

when in doubt, count to ten.

I have a disease. One where I do a brave thing and then once it has happened, I regret doing that brave thing. Because I have successfully pushed myself out of my comfort zone. And usually in a way that I can't just be out of it for like, a second, and then hop right back in. But once I am back in the safety of my comfort zone, I am back to being okay and happy that I did the brave thing. I guess it's just like a form of situational anxiety, maybe?

But everything I want is on the other side of fear. This phrase has become my mantra or motto (or both? Is there even a difference?) over the past year or so. Because it is SO true! I'm never going to get anywhere in life if I don't do scary things. Even if that scary thing is simply texting/talking to a cute boy. Or wearing that outfit that I'm not 100% sure about. Saying hi to that person that I think is really cool. Giving my number to a cute server at a restaurant. Or having to face someone who's heart you broke. Or someone who broke your heart. Or owning up to a bad thing that you did and having to face the consequences of that.

I realized this week, that this past year, I did a lot of scary things with my best friend by my side. She made me brave. I think part of that is because she was always boasting to people that I am such a brave person. Which, I guess is true? That's uncomfortable. But anyway, she made me brave because I knew that she believed in me. I knew that she knew that I could do anything that I wanted to do. And even if I was scared, I would do it anyway. Because otherwise, nothing gets done! But, now that she is a whole state away from me, I'm not quite as brave. And that was a weird thing to realize. I never really thought that I had grown quite so dependent on having a partner in crime. And now that she's far away... how am I going to cope?! Just kidding, I'm sure that I will figure it all out. It's just going to take some time to figure out how to grow back into my Self.

I guess my point to this is that it is SO easy to just get in a groove and to stay in your comfort zone. It's so easy to do nothing, but you can't get anywhere if you don't do SOMETHING.  There is this Netflix Original, "Unbreakable: Kimmy Schmidt", that is absolutely HILARIOUS, but there is an episode where she talks about how she would take things 10 seconds at a time. See if you can get through ten seconds, and if you could, try another ten seconds. Then another ten seconds. And so on and so forth. When I was watching that episode, I thought it was a charming little idea. But, I've found myself thinking back on that a lot. Especially when I am in an uncomfortable situation. And I find myself counting to ten. It really does help!

So, talk to the cute boy. Go after the promotion you want and think you deserve. Say your sin out loud and figure out what you need to do about it.  Wear that outfit. Hold your head up high and just feel out the situation. And when in doubt, count to ten. :)

Cheers,
Reille K. :)