"its where they have everything you need to be young and reckless."

That's right. VEGAS. In just under an hour, I'm headed out to Vegas for a long-weekend getaway with Bestie Jess. Kind of for my birthday, I suppose. My last few days of being a "teenager" will be spent in Sin City. Everyone has been asking if I'm turning 21. Because, Vegas. But, alas, I am not. Only 20. We're going because it will be nice to have a break from Orem and all things that reside here for a few days. To get away and to not think about all those things.

Jess planned a surprise for me, and I got it out of her. I hate waiting to know what people are surprising me with. And I also hate it when people sing Happy Birthday to me. And guys, I am so freaking excited. We're going to Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur and we are sitting in the front, and we're cheering for Norway and they are going to be jousting. JOUSTING. Can we say real life "A Knight's Tale", anyone? And once I know the surprise, I can be so excited for it! And I prefer being excited to being all, "Ugh, but what are they going to do to me? What if I don't like it? Uuuugh." Haha. I'm a little weird guy, but that's fine.

I'm really stoked to go and be able to come and go whenever I want to and not to have to worry about keeping people up and we can sleep whenever we want and do whatever we want. And just, have ALL the fun! It will be my first trip without family, or chaperones, and I'm nervous and excited and a tiny bit scared, but that's okay. Because hey, I'm a goin' on an ADVENTURE!!!!! With my best friend! And I just feel so good about that. Because, adventures are good for you.

So anyway, probably the next time I write, I'll be not a teenager and I'll have finally been to Vegas (this will be my first time being there!) and I'll have sat in a really big shark tunnel (we're going to Mandalay Bay). And I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Even though I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore... Oops.

Cheers!
     Reille K. :)

when you get a text before 7 am...

I wrote this last week, but couldn't publish it until I was officially released...

I planned a really super cool Easter lesson. With video clips and greatness. Thinking that this is for sure going to be either my last lesson as a Relief Society instructor or one of the last. 

A member of the bishopric texted me the morning of my lesson and asked to meet with me before church. Like, right before church. I saw it coming. I knew that he was going to at least release me. If not give me another calling to replace the old.

He did. 

Release me. 

And I got a new calling. 

I was happy, but there was a sadness there that I wasn't expecting. One that didn't come until the moment I ended my lesson. My lesson with the video clips that would NOT work because the wifi signal in the RS  room was rubbish. The lesson that I kind of had to just wing. My last lesson. Ironically, it landed on Easter, which, was actually really nice. 

Afterwards, there were a few people that told me they think the videos wouldn't work for a reason. And I'm sure they're correct. Because last week, the teacher had no issues with the wifi, so I though for sure I would be fine. I think I was given this last opportunity to really share my testimony of the Savior, because that's all I had to fall back on, in terms of a lesson. I didnt even cover the half of my testimony of Him, but I'm glad I shared the small portion that I did. 

He knows me better than anyone else. He knows what I struggle with. He knows the exact people to send into my life to help me and bless me in ways I never knew I needed or wanted. He knows the deepest fears of my heart. He knows about the bad days, as well as the good. He knew that this calling, of being a RS instructor would scare me to death, but would help me grow a LOT. More than ever expected, in ways I never expected. He knew that it would help me realize just how much I DO know about the gospel, where I never thought I knew all that much. He knew I would fall short in this mortal life, and he sent a Savior to help me when I did. I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to teach this past year. As much as I disliked it at times, it has truly made me better. 

I'm going to miss it. But I'm also excited for the new challenges that are coming my way. 

Cheers!

     Reille K.

the "fins" series.

Once upon a blue moon, I used to review books on here. And that was all I did. And that is also what got me into the idea that I enjoyed writing and that I was pretty good at it. I did that for an entire summer, the one that I convinced myself to ONLY read "Classics". Such as: Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice (I think)... I don't remember any of the other ones. They were a little boring to me and they all had basically the same plot line and all run together anyway... Woops.

Anyway... I posted on Instagram the other day my library haul, and someone wanted to know how a few of the books were, therefore, blogpost. :)

 

The "Fins" series, as it has been so lovingly christened. There's also a novella (I assume) called "Pretty in Pearls" that I haven't read, but might. We'll see. The series is written by a woman who used to be a swimmer and always wished to be a mermaid. (I mean, what girl HASN'T wished to be a mermaid at one point? I sure have! ... I still do sometimes.) I had read the first two books in high school (and maybe even the third) and totally forgotten until I was a little bit into the books. But, as I am the QUEEN of re-reading, I didn't mind reading again. Because, well, mermaids!

 

I mean, it gets a little cheesy and all that, but let's be real, we love the cheese-factor. It's about an *almost* 18 year old mermaid princess who lives on land and goes to high school. She's half-human but her mother (her human half) died like... when she was really little? The first book is about her falling for the boy, but the second and third books get a little bit less superficial and go more into the princess business and she has to stop wars against the humans because we are ruining the oceans. (Kind of true... oops.)

Personally, I really enjoyed them. I read the first two books in one day... ha! And the third book the next day. But, I also read reals fast. I thought the imagery was fantastic, and the love story was not super unrealistic. She, Lily, is magically bonded to the guy (no spoilers, just in case) and she still isn't sure if she Loves him, so she makes her dad, the king and the only one with the power to break the bond, sever the bond even though she ends up Loving the guy. It all works out in the end though, don't worry! It was refreshing, if you ask me.

Anyway, I would recommend them. Let me know if you read them and we can talk about them! Like a book club! ;)

Have a lovely weekend, everyone!

Cheers,
     Reille K.

no better place.

This place though. It is my absolute favorite, and I can't think of a better way to spend my Wednesday mornings than being here and doing work for people who have (usually) been waiting for over 100 years! I always open my eyes when I'm doing baptisms so I can see where and when my ladies were alive. And so I can look at their names and think of them more clearly.

The people at the temple know who I am. I'm a regular. And that is really cool. I have ALWAYS loved the temple. It was one of the first things I ever had a real testimony about. And when I wasn't sure about anything else, I was always sure of the temple. And if I knew that what happened in there was real and true and wonderful, then the rest of it HAD to be true too, right? RIGHT. The temple has always gotten me through. And I'm really bummed that I don't get to watch Conference this weekend as its happening, but hey, I still got to go to the temple this week. And hey, that's what the internet is for, right? So I can read, watch, or listen to the talks later. And try not to fall asleep all the time like I did when I did that in October. Their voices are just so soothing and wonderful, wouldn't you agree?

The only time I feel real peace, is at the temple. And I CRAVE it. I just can't find it anywhere else. I feel completely content when I am in the temple and I don't think of anything except the people that I am doing work for, and the temple workers who are standing right in front of me. Because guys, I just love them! They are so cute and great! And it is AWESOME. Because I am constantly overthinking everything and my thoughts are going a million miles a second and when I'm in the temple, my brain slows down and I get a break from my whirring thoughts. And I feel only positive emotions and it lifts me up. And it's the best.

I can barely put into words how much I love the temple. Because I don't think there is any combination of words that can do it justice. Not really.

Cheers,
     Reille K.

when people you know become people you knew.

Disclaimer: Nothing I say in this post is in any way placing blame or anything. I am simply writing about something that I am familiar with. No more, no less.

I am, unfortunately, quite familiar with this feeling. The feeling of people you know, becoming people you knew. This feeling, he and I are old friends. He comes to visit in that moment when you look at someone that you know and realize that a familiar stranger is standing before you. Each time he comes, he's just a little bit different, but you know. You know it's him. The circumstances can be angry, bitter, and full of contention; but can just as easily be sad, lonely, and depressing. And in even more rare cases, it can be happy, relieving... FREEING. In almost all cases, it's ALL these things at one point or another, like the stages of grief.

I feel as though people talk about the leaving the person/relationship part ALL THE TIME. Whether you leave because its now unhealthy or no longer beneficial or whatever, you just gotta move on with your life and leave them behind. Or you move on and they don't come with you. You know what I'm talking about? There are probably about a thousand quotes about it on Pinterest and Tumblr. And I completely agree--if a relationship (that is not familial, mind you) becomes unhealthy and is strained and full of contention and you're just hurting each other-- by ALL means, get outta there. Buy a one way ticket outta (insert name here) town. If you have the strength, courage, and self-respect to do that, to make it happen for yourself - cheers to you! (Let me be clear, you don't have to turn into a mega-beast to make it happen. Just speak from the heart, yeah?) It is HARD to end relationships, especially when they are relationships that are long.

But, not as widely talked about is what happens after. After you have bought that one-way ticket and you're outta there. The part where you are talking and say some weird made up word that you only ever used with that person. Or you pass their favorite restaurant. Or you smell the perfume or cologne they wore. Or you spot something that would make the PERFECT Christmas/birthday present. And you remember everything. And you can just barely hear your heart break the tiniest little bit. When you miss your old friend so much, it hurts, and you can barely breathe for just a second because of it. When you make the mistake of Facebook stalking them just a little bit and you see what they are doing with their life now and it makes you more sad because you could be doing those things with them and experiencing it right along side them. And for .2 seconds, you might entertain the idea of mending the relationship. That part freaking SUCKS. And it doesn't ever go away all together. It gets better, MUCH better, but not for a loooong while, at least in my case. Because I romanticize EVERYTHING. Perks of being a creator, eh?

But then, right after you consider for those .2 seconds, you remember WHY. Why you are no longer in each others lives. And you get mad and really angry for, hopefully, just a minute and you let it wash over you and then you shake it off and get back to the, "Hey, you know what, I'm fine. I'm happy with my decision. And I've never been better and I grew so much from this experience. And this is where I'm supposed to be and the people who are supposed to be with me are here. And I love them and they are great." It's okay to remember those that you had to leave behind. What's NOT OKAY is to dwell on them. To harbor a bucket ton of anger and resentment towards them. Because it WILL spill out of that bucket and get all over everything else in your life. And it will NOT be a picnic. Let me tell ya.

Can I let you in on a secret though? Something that I more recently learned for myself? You will NEVER stop loving that person. The person that you knew. I mean, you don't love the person at this moment, but at one point, they WERE that person that you love. Because at that time, they were exactly who you needed and they helped you grow and develop and that is fantastic. And they will forever be immortalized as that person in your memory. But, people change and grow and sometimes, outgrow. It happens, because we are humans. And that's how humans roll. We are ever evolving. You just have to build a little room in your heart for those people to go live once you kick them out of your life... or gently lead them out. Whatever your style is. :)

Anyway, I need to go to BED. Like, reals bad. So, goodnight! I hope this week is better than last. :)

Cheers,
     Reille K.

being vulnerable is hard.

I have had so many ideas bouncing around in my head about posts I could write and all that jazz, but every time I sit down to write anything, I come up blank. I can't really figure out what it is, because if I could, I could deal with it and get back into writing. I haven't been writing for a while... and I don't like that. I loved writing one, sometimes two, posts in a day. I loved that this was a constant part of my life. I loved that I had an outlet for all the swirling emotions.

But at one point, I'm not sure when, exactly, but I started to censor what I shared, or how I shared some things. It wasn't the way that I wanted to write. It wasn't who I am. If you know me (which, most of you do, I think) I am NOT a censored person. I have very little filter to what I say. And I have no qualms with sharing exactly what I think and how I feel. Because, I don't see any point in speaking otherwise. Sure, it can sometimes take me a minute to figure out HOW to say those things, simply because I express myself best in the written word, but it still gets out most of the time.

With the occurrence of some recent events, I realized something. Something that I think I've always known, but not consciously. I was frustrated with someone because they wouldn't ACT... towards me. And I was ready to give up on the hope that something would happen. Literally, a centimeter away, when someone reminded me that I was just as responsible for the lack of action. And they were right. I hated that they were right and that they were being logical about this and not letting their emotions cloud the situation and run the show. And thinking about what I probably had to do, I was scared. It would make me vulnerable. It would be putting my feelings for this person out there... directly to them. Since a lot of people actually know about said feelings... It's hard to MAKE yourself vulnerable to other people. Whether that be because you have put your feelings out there, or sharing testimony, or saying what you think, or talking to someone that you have never talked to before, or broaching a subject that is hard to talk about with someone you care about--it makes you vulnerable and that's scary. But, you and I, especially I, can't get frustrated with people because they can't bring themselves to be vulnerable when you aren't willing to do the same.

But, all of this reminded me of something else. About six months ago, one of my dearest childhood friends got his mission call. And I was ecstatic for him. Insider tip, I had been absolutely in love with this kid forrrrr, my whole life. Or close to it. And I had told his twin brother about it and he "subtlety" informed him about it without saying that it was me? I don't know... And, I knew that he had a serious girlfriend and she is literally the nicest, cutest girl ever. And I always tried to keep my distance, because I knew that if I didn't, I would hate myself and get super jealous and blah blah blah. I also knew that, if I never talked to this human about my feelings for him and his feelings for me, I would always wonder, "What if?" and I would hate it forever. Wondering "what if" will eat your brains out. Like, an inner zombie, if you will. Around two months after that, it came time for him to head out. I went to his farewell and spent the *majority* of my Sunday just chillin' at his house and with his family. And his twin, who I LOVE TO DEATH, and I discussed it in depth. I had to talk to him before he left. I had to do it that night. But, I chickened and it never ended up happening. Which, I think, is how it was always meant to be. Because I know, I KNOW that there will only ever be friendship between me and this kid. I've already had that confirmation. BUT, it will always be my little baby "What if?" in the back of my mind. Like, what would my life be like if I HAD talked to him about it? Would it be different? (Probably not, but you get the picture). 

Having told you all that, go back to the other more recent situation. I hated the feeling of having that ,"What if?" in the back of my mind constantly. HATED it. And I don't want this situation to turn into that. Because I don't know that I can handle more than one "what if" zombie running around up there in my noggin. I'm not sure how anyone could. So, I hope, HOPE that I can take care of this one soon. Because it's on the brink of driving up the wall. I'm getting a tiny bit crazy about it. I say, "take care of this", as if it's some infestation or something like that. It's not. I just... its complicated. And once I set my mind to do something, I'm rearing and ready to get 'er done. And my course of action has been decided since Saturday and it's now Tuesday, and I'm just so ready. I'm weird and it's endearing, okay?

Anyway, I'll leave it there. See you soon, hopefully.

Cheers,
     Reille K. :)

I'm baaaack!

It's a weird thing, this blogging business. I go through periods of time where I am like, "Holy buckets! I'm learning all these things and having all these great ideas and I want to blog ALL the time!" And other periods where I can't be bothered and I have absolutely NO interest in the blogosphere. I guess we can attribute that to my creative ebb and flow. Because, let's be honest, that's exactly what it is. And also, the stuff that happens to be going on in the life outside the internets. It affects my creativity and my writing and I get in grunky moods and I don't want this to ever be a place where I come to just vent and complain and hate on things. I think I'd like to save that for a different space.

But, as many or all of you have probably noticed, I have not blogged in MONTHS. I've been going through some hard and weird things lately and I was in the EBB part of the ebb and flow. With just about all of my creative outlets. But, I think I'm back and ready to party. Maybe. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, I've really been trying to get out of my little bubble that I've created for myself, my little cozy nest, if you will. It's HARD. I hate it sometimes. Because it makes me just a little ball of anxiety and stress. I'm sure most people don't notice it, but holy buckets, I feel like a mess half the time. I've been attempting to actually hang out with people and do things rather than sit at home and waste away. It's going... alright. I realized this past Friday though, that since I was not a touchy person in high school, I didn't get a lot of practice and so I am literally the most awkward of awkwards when people, say, go in for a hug. Which is what alerted me to this issue that I have. I just... Social interaction is hard.

I've missed blogging. But at the same time, I loved the time that I had away from it to replenish and restore the bucket of creativity.

Anyway,
until next time...

Cheers,
     Reille K.